You represent responsibility to your H - and he is running from that. Fast.
He needs to escape any form of responsibility - and the shame of what he is doing makes it all the worse. So he runs faster and feels worse, and needs someone like an OW (any convenient OW) to make him feel better about himself.
He is focused on his own survival, that is all. The OW makes it a little bit more likely that he will survive, as he sees it.
Buying expensive gadgets to woo the kids seems like script in these sitches. And your H's failure to comment on the Xmas tree is pretty much par for the course as well. Can you imagine how they must feel missing things like this with their families? Maybe ignoring the evidence is the only way they can cope.
I think one of the worst aspects of our situations is the way our H's used to be around the family - loving and involved fathers. Others can't fathom how these guys could be doing what they are doing. Everyone seems shocked by what is going on with our H's. And this makes it so very hard to deal with. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for where we find ourselves. And yet, that is MLC.
Your words below really resonated with me - because this is exactly what I've noticed about my stbx's behaviour:
" in the beginning he was back and forth, honestly confused on what to do and who to be with. He said things like "I cant imagine life without you" and "I want to be home and with you and my kids" but that changed so quickly. It was like one day, he was up in the air and than the next, he was with her and moved out...I guess this is normal of WAH...they cake eat until they cannot anymore. I just never, ever thought he would chose her over me...I never thought that he would stoop so low."
My take on this is that they get so conflicted about what they are doing - i.e. having the affair, that they just can't 'do it' any more. So they choose the path of escape - set up with the OW. This way they feel they don't need to face the shame and lies and betrayal of having a wife and family while running an OW as well. It happens quickly because they feel they are 'dying' if they don't escape from the horror of what they are doing.
