WAS vs. LBS

[Crazyville]

AJ, you keep coming back. Maybe you're a little masochistic yourself. We're both a mess, I think.

Thanks for the rewording. It is less confrontational, I think. It isn't making my intended point however, but that's probably irrelevant. The first sentence you wrote "You seem so interested in your IL's marriage, but to me it feels like you are not as interested in us," which is actually my point, still seems confrontational and attacking.

I'm told I'm supposed to change me and my actions, but not to do it expecting a response from H

I see the frustration, but look at it this way. You'll be doing that if you leave.

Doing what? Sleeping in the other bedroom? And that somehow relates to "being the change I want to see in others?" I just don't get this point, at all.

Have you always done that? Each year you put your life and relationships under a microscope looking for particular query items?

No, I don't. And, yes, even I could read the sarcasm. As I said, I was told to FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES. I'm trying to find them. Have you heard the phrase, "People won't necessarily remember what you did for them, but they'll always remember how you made them feel."? I definitely remember how H made me feel. I'm trying to find events to counter that. Otherwise, what would it look like instead for me to "focus on the positives?"

When? What do YOU call what you're doing now?!? Does a clock magically start ticking later when you physically are where you've gone emotionally?

AJ, I've always referred to myself as the WAS. I'm not sure what your contest is. The difference will be when I stop even thinking about the R, move out, and file for D.

For the sake of argument, what makes you think he'll take you back if you did change your mind? What makes you think he couldn't get the same or better elsewhere?

I don't look at it as "better" or "worse." I'm certain he could find someone more compatible.

That says he's been living with a roommate for a very long time. Somebody who wasn't authentic. Somebody who didn't love him.

You're making this much more dramatic than it is. I'm simply tired of the R being all about him. The last 10 years haven't been masochistic, it's been poor self-esteem on my part. It's taken me a lot of years to rebuild my self-esteem, and I'm holding firm for a "reciprocal M or else."

I think you can drop the rest of the items until you understand why you can't find them. And why you went 10 years without having any. And why that seems normal to you.

It doesn't seem normal to me. It's why I need a change before I go back in.

Your H still loves you and cares about YOU. But make no mistake, he's bleeding from the wounds as much or more than you are.

I want to believe you on this, but I just don't know. I follow Adinva's thread because she reminds me so much of my H. I can see her pain in her words, but I don't see it in her daily life. And she writes regularly about filling her life with activities so she doesn't feel the pain. H does the same thing, always on the go, doing things, socializing, while I have a difficult time even getting out of bed. I asked him last night if he had thought anymore about what I said earlier. He responded that yes, he had, and do I mind if he turns on the TV (I was doing homework.) Is that pain, really? This is where the logic of the WAS spouse comes from, thinking the LBS will be fine or perhaps better off without them.