Now it is time to think about where I go from here, if anywhere.
Obviously, there was no progress with us. He wants to remain friends and of course, there is no pressure from OW to give me up as we are only friends!
I need to decide what I want to do.
I have re-read the Going Dark link provided by Cadet. I know that it is not recommended, but I am wondering if there isn't a benefit in my case to asking him not to contact me until I contact him. I truly may never contact him but I do not think that is the case. My logic is that I want a break from waiting to hear from him and if I tell him not to call me, then I am not hoping he will call, the continual checking of the phone would stop and I would cease hugging my phone waiting for a text that only sporadically comes. Because I feel as if I just "go dark", I will still be watching and waiting.
I also just feel that when he calls, I should return his call. Maybe not right away, but then the returning of the call takes on monumental importance.
I have not made any decision, but I would love some feed back. I know now, more than ever before that I need to let go and detach. This latest experience will help with that. I am hoping the darkness will also help.
I do not know when the next time we will see each other will be, if ever. I have been able to find a few "long distancers" here on the Board but visits appear to be frequent (25yrMLC is an example, but I do not think OW was involved).
There is no doubt that I will put more focus on me and my life. But right now, until I am ready for the Last, Last Resort Technique, I at least want to keep our options open, however truly miniscule our chance at reconciling are.
Portia, It's time to let him go and allow God to work on him. It is very evident from the conversation that he has no romantic interest in you, i.e., wants to remain friends. I think, for now, you need to go totally dark and just leave the man alone. If he should contact you, then you could respond when YOU feel like it.
Time to turn the focus back on to you. It's time that you start living your life to the fullest and if he should ever decide that he wants a serious relationship w/you, he will then have to prove himself worthy of your time and love, as well as earn your trust again. But until that time, do not put your life on hold...live it to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He sounds pretty confused, but I agree with one thing - he'll never get around to missing you until you are GONE. Don't ask him not to contact you, just go silent. (If you ask him not to contact, it sounds like it's because it's SOOOO HARD for you - like you're still pining. Far better that you just stop answering, so he can wonder what you're up to and he can start missing you).
AND - yes, focus on living and enjoying life for YOU - because it IS possible that he'll never come back, if he's decided he wants to have kids now.
Regardless of the outcome - if he DOES come back, it's not gonna be for quite some time. So don't waste any of that time - go out and have fun. If you KNEW you were gonna be hit by a truck next week, would you waste all this mental space on him? No, you'd get out there and LIVE.
It's clear that this is about him, not about you, so just dust yourself off and plan some adventures. How about a trip to Italy?
Hey I'm up for a trip to Italy! Will I need more than $37? Cause that's all I've got....
Portia,
the whole thing sounds exhausting. You must have been so drained. At least its behind you now.
I agree with Snodderly and kml regarding going dark. And I understand the whole "carrying the phone like its your baby" thing - I do that when H goes to the casino (which he just left for AGAIN btw). But if you tell him to not contact you you are giving his communications "power". Best to keep that power for yourself. Anyway, if it was me, I'd kind of hope my SO would call DESPITE being told not too - and I'd STILL carry the baby/phone lol. But maybe that's just me!
Like kml says, he can't miss you until you're gone, so GO. And 4 months isn't very long in the MLC scheme of things. I've seen estimates of 2 - 7 years, with 5 held out as average. You certainly can't be miserable for another 4 years or so... can you? And the MLC is going to do what the MLC is going to do, regardless of YOUR mood. So, c'mon get happy! (Partridge Family reference, showing my age, pardon me )
When it gets to be too much, come here and vent. Or kick the stuffing out of your pillows. Scream in the car (windows up is best for this). Put on sad songs and cry. Put on a$$ kicking songs (Pink "So What", Carrie Underwood "The Next Time He Cheats") and sing along - LOUDLY! (Might wanna close the windows for that one too...)
You've been blindsided and have a right to hurt. Don't wallow in it, but don't ignore it either - find a balance.
Sending you happy thoughts
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I now it is (past) time to let him go. I did not anticipate it being so very difficult nor did I ever imagine that heartbreak truly, physically felt like your heart was breaking.
Yes, I will be "going dark" but not because I want him to miss me (although that would be a good side-effect) but because these last four months have been horrible. For someone who has led an independent life that illusion has been swept away.
The visit was hard. And thank you for ignoring the big backslide. Almost home and then I get the worst whammy - the OW is "fighting for us". I could vomit.
In her book, Susan Anderson describes this phase as "shattering" and it really is just that. And although I know that my actions were not the sole cause of this, they certainly played a big, big role in the demise of our relationship. Of course, given that they were mainly complaints that I did not act "couply" enough, there are no 180s I could do in any event.
And yes, time to put the focus back on me where it has not been for the last four months. Two small goals for the next two weeks: concentrate better at work before I get fired and start doing some more exercise and meditation for self-healing. If I am not feeling a bit better after Christmas, I will have to speak to my doctor about ADs but I would rather not to that route.
The funny thing is that most people do not know that this is killing me. I "act as if" all day. Maybe that is why I always feel so tired. So forgive me if I seem a little self-indulgent on this Board. Sometimes, I am tired of pretending.
Mrs., I turned the phone off and left it at home and probably will for the rest of the week. If it is here, I will constantly be waiting for contact so I have removed the temptation.
It's clear that this is about him, not about you, so just dust yourself off and plan some adventures. How about a trip to Italy?
But, why not Italy??
It sounds like your head knows where to go, now just has to persuade heart and soul to join in. But you'll get there.
Come here and indulge as often as you need. You can use the board for a pressure release if nothing else. It is nice to be understood - and people here do just that.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Why NOT Italy? Sunny, fascinating, sexy Italian men with great accents, lots to do and see. Or you could go to Hawaii and lie on a beach. Or Bali!
My point is - plan a vacation for YOU, someplace YOU would like to go, maybe someplace exotic that you always felt was out of reach or that you felt intimidated about going to or that your ex wouldn't have liked. Doesn't have to be that expensive. Have an adventure. Don't put your life on hold because of the relationship nonsense.
You are so sweet, thank you! There is no doubt I will need to have a place to be when I miss him and peopel will actually understand. If I was a tap, I would shut my emotions off and be done with it. But I am learning that it does not work that way. I've never lost a limb but that is what this adjustment period feels like to me. Starting over and filling in the gaps, letting go of all our exciting plans for the future. And putting my hopes on a shelf in case he is permanently out of my life.
Mrs. and KML,
I just wondered why of all the countries in the world you picked Italy. I am - with and without SO - quite an experienced traveller and have visited some of the more remote corners of the world. I just wondered.
Portia, I would have selected Italy too. Italy is a wonderful country and has so much to offer in the way of history and culture. It is a place that varies from one city to the next. It is one of my favorite countries to visit. I love Ireland as well, but I do tend to agree with KML and Mrs....Italy would have been my first choice to suggest to you as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I meant that in the sense that what is happening in the relationship right now is nonsense. Rather than get caught up in his craziness and inconsiderate behavior, why not take a break from worrying about it and just go live your life?
At least its behind you now.
)