WAS vs. LBS

[AJM]

I want to save my M, but I feel that desire slipping away. I don't know that I'll be able to wait 6 years either. And unfortunately, when I really do become the WAS, there will be no turning back.

Do you? I mean really really? I'm asking about your resolve here. Only one chance to make it work? That's a lot of pressure, don't you think?

I read your post. I almost didn't respond, CV. I'm frustrated

But I honestly do believe you want to change things in your marriage and that you are honestly asking for assistance. I applaud that, and well, it makes it hard to stay away.

I didn't see your request to re-word the email. But here's a stab at it from my perspective:

CV: My question about the urgency is that you seem frantic to do something to fix FIL and MIL's relationship (as if you have that power,) but rather indifferent to our issues that have been going on for years. I don't get that. Is it because you figure you have 6 years so there's no rush? From the outside looking in, it appears that you are more concerned about their marriage than you are your own. You blow off my suggestion to wait and do it in person because you feel like you need to do something right away even if it's in email or by phone. THAT'S a sense of urgency. With me, it's "I've got a counseling session next Tuesday..".... as you go back to shopping craigslist or looking at joke emails from Conrad, etc.

Put another way:

You seem so interested in your IL's marriage, but to me it feels like you are not as interested in us. I don't get that. I feel like you are not taking my opinion into account and doing things in person with IL's. You could make me feel like you at least considered my opinion by saying "x" That would help me feel like you respect my opinion. Would you do that for me please?

Do you see how there is far less confrontational wording? Does it still get your point across without attacking?

I'm told I'm supposed to change me and my actions, but not to do it expecting a response from H

I see the frustration, but look at it this way. You'll be doing that if you leave. If you two can't figure it out, then you may as well learn how to do this now. The idea is to be the change you want to see in others. In this case, your H is the first one you practice with. Since he's closest.

I'm told I need to focus on the positives. H told me this recently, too. I can't find them. I've been searching the last 10 years of my memories. I asked him to help me find something to focus on. He can't tell me any either. He has lots of positive memories of things I've done for him. He can't think of anything he's done for me that I can focus on. But that's what I'm supposed to do?

That could be because he has never done anything nice for you and you're a saint/martyr for putting up with this for this many years. You must be an incredible person to have endured for so long (there may be a little sarcasm there although you may not be able to hear it in my typing
It could also be because it's not his place to remember things for you like that and so he is not able to help in a way you can understand. How would anyone know what you find positive over the last ten years??? How many husbands remember the last 10 minutes like you are asking. Not many people are looking at their last 10 years under a microscope like you are right now.
Have you always done that? Each year you put your life and relationships under a microscope looking for particular query items?

I for one, find it incredibly disturbing that you cannot, alone, find positives in your relationship going back for 10 years or more. If this is something you have always done, then maybe you are different than everyone else. Let me know though please.

I want to save my M, but I feel that desire slipping away. I don't know that I'll be able to wait 6 years either. And unfortunately, when I really do become the WAS, there will be no turning back.

When? What do YOU call what you're doing now?!? Does a clock magically start ticking later when you physically are where you've gone emotionally?

For the sake of argument, what makes you think he'll take you back if you did change your mind? What makes you think he couldn't get the same or better elsewhere?

Conversely, what makes you think he wants to find somebody else? You already know he loves you deeply, flaws and all. His flaws included. Otherwise, he would have left. Heck, he could just over the part that you cannot find a single positive aspect of your relationship for over 10 years...That says he's been living with a roommate for a very long time. Somebody who wasn't authentic. Somebody who didn't love him. A sado-masochist in the making. Somebody who did nice things for him, bore his child, told him what he wanted to hear, but lied the entire time else got something else out of the relationship that is far darker than what was expected. Knowing what I know about relationships and how my ex was, I wouldn't let you stay another day if that were me in his shoes. I'd kick you to the curb so fast your head would spin and your rear end would have to play catch up.

But that's me. That's somebody who has learned how to handle such a thing differently than I would have (or did). Somebody who is not in love with who you say you are or truly are.

Easy talking. Your H is not me. He hasn't seen nor lived what I've lived with in this regard (for all I know he has). He hasn't been dating crazy women for the past few years. Watching the games, the mindset, the craziness. (note that both men and women are nutz in the dating world - some take longer to show it than others).

Your H still loves you and cares about YOU. But make no mistake, he's bleeding from the wounds as much or more than you are. You are in this together and you'll suffer or be happy together.

I think you need to stop and figure out why can't think of anything positive for the past 10 years with regards to your husband. I think you can drop the rest of the items until you understand why you can't find them. And why you went 10 years without having any. And why that seems normal to you.

My $0.04 worth.

I do honestly wish you the best CV. I'm a bit worried by what I read but I do care.

Peace,
AJ