Thank you so much for checking in on me. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
I came back exhausted yesterday. All I wanted to do was sleep.
The day went...OK, although my DB'ing deserted me toward the end.
Soon after he arrived, he received a text. I was not looking but saw it. XOXO from OW. Not a great start to the day but I did not react or even let on that I saw.
We did some shopping and sat down for a drink. I avoided all personal subjects so on that front, we did fine. But I did not ffeel fine. I cannot say how much of that seeped into the afternoon but I tried. And everytime I felt myself becoming too overwhelmed, I used the restroom as an excuse to get away. He treated me like a friend, no more, no less. Like there was never anything else between us. I FELT it. That may sound nuts, but I just could feel the difference, even from the last time we saw each other. No spontaneous touches at all. Buds.
We then hit a movie. I thought this was a good idea as we did not actually have to speak to each other any more. At one point in the movie, he held my hand but it still felt like I was with a stranger.
After the movie we went to dinner. Here is where the DB'ing Rules were broken. He volunteered that things with the new girlfriend were plateauing as in not progressing. I just kept quiet at this point. He continued on a bit but after a while noticed that I was not responding. He said he did not know when to bring her up but that it was the elephant in the room (my words exactly.) I said that I would never ask about her. He was miffed. Tough. I tried the "I'm just listening line" but it did not work. And while I cannot recount the conversation in detail, I just blurted "Don't you miss me at all?" Then I had to run to bathroom. I am tearing even as I type this.
I came back and blamed the run on the spicy food. He held my hands and said of course he missed me. After that we went onto more neutral subjects.
At no point in the night, other than casually mentioning future events, were any future plans made nor did he ask when I was next in town.
Then he dropped me off. If only I would have RAN out of there. I went to say goodbye. Again, I wish I could remember exactly how it happened but I started to tear, as did he, and then we had some OR talk. I did not mean to, but at that point I was too exhausted to resist. And it turned out as bad as I was warned that it could.
The short version is that he SAID he wanted to remain friends and that I was very important to him. He SAID sometimes he wanted to call me but did not because he thought he might be disturbing me. He SAID he was confused about "everything". But the thing made very clear was that we were no more. Friends is all he wants.
And here is the worst thing I did, in all its gory glory: I then said I felt like a child who wants to stamp her foot and say back off b!tch, he belongs to me. Which only caused him to say, I should not say that as - get this - she was the only one of his friends fighting for our friendship. Talk about being burned by the hot stove.
I asked if she knew all about our relationship and he answered no. Really, that question was rhetorical.
At that point, I stepped back from him and calmly said I had to go. At that very moment, I felt so alone. Me on one side of the fence and them on the other. All at once, the tears stopped and I felt cold.
I said goodbye. He made a comment on something I was wearing and that I would be noticed anywhere. I gathered up my inner girl and said "F-ing Right." And walked away.
