Just my last bit of journalling before I must really get down to business.
I have been trying to follow the DR principles as I set my goals and am monitoring the results. But I think sometimes what I am viewing as Progress, is not.
I thought when he agreed to make plans with me, that was progress. But then I think ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
And his actions lately are two general texts and no attempt at contacting me in the last week otherwise. Is there really progress? Maybe from the time of BD, but no forward movement that I can see now.
I deluded myself into believing that this visit was a good thing when really, as MRS. pointed out, he likely thinks he is just meeting with an old friend. I am finding it difficult to keep the realities of my situation in check. Because every time I remind myself of them, it feels like a punch in gut - a hard punch in the gut.
He once said to me that since he wants a "white picket fence family"
Just one hard truth here to think about:
What if, affair aside, this is really just a biological clock issue for him? Maybe when he was first with you, he was willing to concur with your decision not to have kids, because he was young and didn't feel the drive himself. But now that he's older, he's finding that he really DOES want kids and family life.
If so, that's a pretty impassable difference. And in reality, it wouldn't be fair to keep him in a relationship with you if it meant giving up his (newfound) dream of having kids.
I understand that the WAY he's gone about this, with the affair and all, is horrible and painful. But if you love him, and he wants kids and you don't, wouldn't you want to set him free to do that?
(Not discounting, btw, that this is all just mlc and rescuer syndrome, but maybe not. I had a friend here who was happily married for many years to a much younger man. She chose not to have kids and he seemed totally on board with that. Once she reached about 52 (still stunning and quite youthful)and he was about 37, he left to marry and have kids with a younger woman. Sometimes that biological clock is a powerful pull).
Thank your for your thoughts. Your post actually made me smile. Do you not think I have not hear the same from others many, many, many times before the second I say that he said he may want children? The reaction is always the same with slight variations on the same theme: blow him kisses and bubbles and ignore the last 18 years because, well, NOW he wants children? I was surprised that it took so long for someone to post it.
I wonder if the reaction would have been the same if I said I was infertile rather than by OUR decision WE did not want children?
I do not shy away from the hard truths. Except right now I do not know the "truth" as to whether or not this sudden longing is MLC or a biological clock. (BTW, he is 5 years older.)
Here is the real hard truth: The reality is that he has already left me for a newly separated woman with two children and while we are visiting tomorrow, I am fully aware it is limited time and that he may just be spending the day with me to appease his own guilt rather than any desire he has to actually spend some time with me. I also do not believe a true word has come out of his mouth for a very long time, well before BD. Our R really has a slim to none chance. I don't have the power to "keep" him where he does not want to be - one of the first things I learned here.
In joining this forum, I had hoped to get some help in both getting some support for what is, for me, a heartbreaking situation, to heal from this feeling of abandonment and perhaps get the chance to work on a relationship that has lasted for over half of my life in case this is a symptom of MLC.
I understand that if he wants children and "family life" now that he will not choose us - MLC or no. Was the purpose in your post to tell me that based on his desire to have a family now, I should just forget about trying to save the relationship? So, you are OK with the end of relationships/divorce as long as one person is leaving to pursue a family - or that white picket fence which is just as illusory as anything else. If it wasn't, forums like this would not exist.
KML, please know that I appreciate everyone's point of view and do appreciate your desire to alert me to the biological clock issue. And if I have come off a bit defensive, then I own that. As I said above, many people before you have simply nodded their heads in sage understanding - well, it is about children! - never mind about those of us left behind.
This is going to be an extraordinarily difficult day.
Already the lies have begun. I cannot prove the lies, but I know that he is lying. He texted this morning that he would be spending the night at his mother's place. I doubt it.
I know it is just another WHY question but I really do not understand the lies - especially now that he knows that I know about "the girlfriend".
I have read over and over not to give her headspace but it is hard. I feel like my needle is stuck in a grove.
I have read Sandi's Rules again and in theory, I am ready for tomorrow. Something that used to bring me such pleasure and now it just gives me an upset stomache. Being with him used to be easy and fun, now it is work and painful work at that.
I just want to scream at him and maybe beat him to a bloody pulp. Control, breathe. When this was described as "hard" - that was an obvious understatement.
If anyone else has some last minute tips for controlling my response every time I want to call him on another lie, I would love to hear it.
My point was just that, when the biological drive to reproduce gets triggered, sometimes that is such a powerful thing, that it goes way beyond MLC and significantly reduces the chances of reconciliation. Not saying that it couldn't happen, but just less likely. I've seen that in many different iterations: young wife who agreed to not having kids when marrying older man who'd already raised a family - then when she hits her 30's and her biological clock starts ticking, she leaves him when he refuses to have kids. Couples who disagreed on having another child. The older woman/younger man scenario I recounted above.
The bottom line is, having children is such a huge commitment and primal need for some people, that no one should be PRESSURED into having children if they don't want them, and no one should be PREVENTED from having them if they DO. So if, in reality, this is NOT just MLC on his part, but a belated recognition of that primal desire to procreate - how would you address that if he came back? Would you reverse your stance on having a child? Would that be fair to you? Or would you insist that he remain childless the rest of his days just because that was your original agreement?
Not saying there are any right or wrong answers here, but just pointing out that this factor significantly complicates an already messy situation.
Portia, How are you doing? Good luck w/the meeting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for checking in on me. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
I came back exhausted yesterday. All I wanted to do was sleep.
The day went...OK, although my DB'ing deserted me toward the end.
Soon after he arrived, he received a text. I was not looking but saw it. XOXO from OW. Not a great start to the day but I did not react or even let on that I saw.
We did some shopping and sat down for a drink. I avoided all personal subjects so on that front, we did fine. But I did not ffeel fine. I cannot say how much of that seeped into the afternoon but I tried. And everytime I felt myself becoming too overwhelmed, I used the restroom as an excuse to get away. He treated me like a friend, no more, no less. Like there was never anything else between us. I FELT it. That may sound nuts, but I just could feel the difference, even from the last time we saw each other. No spontaneous touches at all. Buds.
We then hit a movie. I thought this was a good idea as we did not actually have to speak to each other any more. At one point in the movie, he held my hand but it still felt like I was with a stranger.
After the movie we went to dinner. Here is where the DB'ing Rules were broken. He volunteered that things with the new girlfriend were plateauing as in not progressing. I just kept quiet at this point. He continued on a bit but after a while noticed that I was not responding. He said he did not know when to bring her up but that it was the elephant in the room (my words exactly.) I said that I would never ask about her. He was miffed. Tough. I tried the "I'm just listening line" but it did not work. And while I cannot recount the conversation in detail, I just blurted "Don't you miss me at all?" Then I had to run to bathroom. I am tearing even as I type this.
I came back and blamed the run on the spicy food. He held my hands and said of course he missed me. After that we went onto more neutral subjects.
At no point in the night, other than casually mentioning future events, were any future plans made nor did he ask when I was next in town.
Then he dropped me off. If only I would have RAN out of there. I went to say goodbye. Again, I wish I could remember exactly how it happened but I started to tear, as did he, and then we had some OR talk. I did not mean to, but at that point I was too exhausted to resist. And it turned out as bad as I was warned that it could.
The short version is that he SAID he wanted to remain friends and that I was very important to him. He SAID sometimes he wanted to call me but did not because he thought he might be disturbing me. He SAID he was confused about "everything". But the thing made very clear was that we were no more. Friends is all he wants.
And here is the worst thing I did, in all its gory glory: I then said I felt like a child who wants to stamp her foot and say back off b!tch, he belongs to me. Which only caused him to say, I should not say that as - get this - she was the only one of his friends fighting for our friendship. Talk about being burned by the hot stove.
I asked if she knew all about our relationship and he answered no. Really, that question was rhetorical.
At that point, I stepped back from him and calmly said I had to go. At that very moment, I felt so alone. Me on one side of the fence and them on the other. All at once, the tears stopped and I felt cold.
I said goodbye. He made a comment on something I was wearing and that I would be noticed anywhere. I gathered up my inner girl and said "F-ing Right." And walked away.
