I admit openly that I lived within a shell of denial for a few years which has moved on into anger/depression a few months ago. With D paperwork filed and legal fees piling up, I really miss being in denial. But I guess it had its place in my life and I don't want to move backwards.
Any more I'm holding on to different success stories here in the forums. The part about this all being a memory, one that may hurt a small bit, but doesn't ruin your day when the memories come up.
I look forward to the "possibility" that I may never have to speak to my XW, but we have two kids and that dream is just not realistic. So far I've been fortunate I guess, in that she stopped talking to me or texting me when I went into anger/depression. She's been using S12 to "relay" messages to me more often. I stopped making eye contact with her when it started to make me sick. I'm not evil or mean, but I feel like I'm a villain just for breathing and I dislike it very much. She looks at me with contempt and has done so for a few years and now that the D is finally going through the legal process and the OM is living with her, I'm less tolerant of being within 100-200 yards of her.
I feel betrayed, but I'm still sorting out how I've betrayed/betraying myself. I have a new outlook on life, but I don't always have the strength to stand tall or "pretend" to be happy when I'm not every day. I know that I don't need my XW. I know that if I was asked I would not reconcile with her. The damage has been done and I fear that more is on the way as the D gets closer to court dates as well as the financial toll it's taking now, never mind in the end. S12 has a b-day in two months and I can't provide for him the way I'd like too because the D has me in the tank after only my first billing statement. I will do what I can for him, but it's going to hurt either way since it won't be all that I want to do for him. Christmas isn't much better. I figure we'll get a tree and some lights this year and try to get a decoration or two. It's an adventure when I think about building new traditions, but it's hard to protect the kids from our D when they still only see bare walls, minimal furniture, and my lack of funds to buy Christmas decorations. It's not easy for kids to "understand" it all and I don't ever say anything that would imply it's their mothers fault in any way. That would be very uncool and just plain wrong. It's the protection part that hurts too. Some days are easy and some are hard and I know it's even harder for them.
I want my D to be over and done with. My in-laws have already come to accept the OM and I knew they would, but having just seen them a month ago I feel like I was lied too. Even though nothing was said about anything. I understand where those feelings come from and I'll get past it. Family is family and I'm the outsider. I feel like I want to get away from everyone because I want to stop feeling like the villain as if this is all my fault in some way. As if I didn't work tirelessly to leave no stone unturned when trying to save my marriage.
AJ - I keep asking myself everyday that same question you've brought up a few times...."What if she never comes out of MLC?" I don't have much of an answer and therein lies my internal battle. My first response is that it's not my problem anymore. That gets tempered with "What if she does?". That then becomes..."I don't think I would want her back."
I'm heading east towards a new day and she's stuck heading west to save a sunset that must eventually set. I'm no longer hanging out in the middle and waiting, but I can't seem to move east fast enough.
