I think it's A LOT easier to forgive if you believe that a repeat of the misbehavior is unlikely...just as trust is easier to give if you really believe there is true remorse AND behavioral changes...
they all seem to go hand in hand...but You have actions to take (Not more words or plans or promises, but visible changes & tasks completed...heck, she gave you a roadmap)
so the talk about WHEN she'll forgive you is putting the cart before the horse.
I think you know what you need to do but you want a guarantee...YET
she worked 2 jobs while your finances were tanking w/you at the helm
AND you bullied her & taught the kids to do the same...
YET it took her years of effort at something she must've Hoped would improve...before she gave up & OM showed her some companionship. My point is you can take action (& another &another) w/o a guarantee.
We all have had to do that... it's an act of faith..MAYBE it'll win her back (it's definitely not hopeless)
but the only guarantee is YOU'll be a better man for it, AND you won't regret your behavior...from this day forward.
That's important.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Focusing too much on negative yesterday...time for positives.
W has continued to meet w/me for R talk, despite my several mistakes in getting pushy. She always is pleasant starting off. She is not abandoning finances, wants to see me improve in that area. She wants counseling. She doesn't seem to be getting any further away, just maintaining distance. She contacts me nearly every day, despite my fears she won't.
As you all say, need to get a hold of my self so I don't mess things up.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Truthfully, that is really a lot of GOOD. Thing is, you are far too close to the situation to see it. Be sure to re-read the section in DB that talks about overlooking small signs because you are hunting for BIG ones. Everything that you just pointed out is very positive. Hell, and if she hasn't filed or contacted an attorney yet you are in pretty good shape all things considered. Stay positive!
I can't believe how good I feel this evening. Actually had a little fun at work.
25 and Sandi, you don't know HOW MUCH you helped me through my hard day yesterday.
THANKS SO MUCH. I have read much of each of your stories. Amazing and inspiring. Sandi, for some reason I think you and W would hit it off!
Sandi, I read yours most recently, and I remember you asking for one or more of the folks (AmyC?) to keep checking in on you...PLEASE, both of you, keep doing that for me!!!!
I don't trust myself to do this alone!
My next hurdle is our anniversary is December 7. 21 years. Lots of questions on staying sane through that. By staying sane I mean not making any stupid moves.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Check the road map she gave you and see what things you can work on and we can chat about incorporating somethings in a card or gift for her.
What is her love language?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, I really believe her LL is Acts of Service. 99.9% sure.
Road map:
Pursue more work. Don't rely on the business, ever again, unless by the grace of God it surpasses income of BOTH of us again. For me to have a PMA I have to be providing at least decent support
Pursue personalcareer development options rather than usual GAL. Frankly, the feel good type of GAL was part of the problem. She saw ME as having a life, while she toiled away. All my GAL was ESCAPE/AVOID shame of reality that I wasn't supporting enough. I was having EAs w/my activities.
Pursue better R w/S, S, D. For All our benefit.
Alleviate fear that things would be the same in the future RE:my pushy, bully ways by showing 180 behaviors to her, like NOT defending criticisms, but validating; and by not criticizing, judging.
DON'T mention, or allude to, or imply, or manipulate convo toward living situation, OM again. She will bring it up when the time comes. (I just remembered something...see my PS below)
Others?
Looking forward to your ideas for anniversary!
PS. 2 separate friends have offered her a place to stay while we work things out. Saturday, and at least 2 other occasions, SHE brought these up: "I'm not going to go stay with friend1 like a 12 year old." friend1 is an older couple who tried to counsel her in the beginning.."and I'd have to sleep standing up if I stayed w/friend2"..friend2 is a borderline hoarder. That's when I fixate and push with an attitude of "anywheres better than where you are!"
What is she trying to tell me by bringing this up? I always suggest going back to her sisters but think she is ashamed to and now has said I didn't give space she needed when she was there before. Pastor mentioned to me yesterday a couple he knows looking for a boarder. He is getting details just in case. I agree w/her on friend2. Neither of us are neat freaks but we have our limits.
I think mirroring the 12 year old comment next time will be better than getting pushy.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Don't say I miss you more than the night sky misses the sun, the desert misses the rain, I miss the very space you take up, I miss missing you?
My strategy will be to respond in kind, don't push, or jump.
Thanks for the friendly warning ;-)
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Be aware that she may pull back. Keep your expectation at 0, otherwise you risk getting disappointed.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
