Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[AnotherStander]

I've said it before and I will say it again: You've become the man I would never leave!

based on your posts here I would marry you .

ROTFLOL! You guys crack me up My mojo magic is working on the wrong sex

Are you in complete detachment at this point?

Yes, I've also been pretty dim with W although I can't go completely dark due to the kids. I've detached to the point that I was ready to drop the rope, and in fact was very close to doing so before this development. I have to admit it caught me by surprise that W is still so confused, because by all appearances she seemed to be enjoying living on her own.

If W wanted to go out with you (without pressure), would you be open to it? Or are you looking for the complete commitment? What's your next move?

I definitely don't expect an overnight turnaround from her, and if she had one I don't think I would accept her back into the home that quickly. There's a lot we need to work on first. You may recall from my old thread that there was a Retrouvaille here in October, but W had just moved out and I didn't feel the timing was good. There's another in January and I think the timing for that one is perfect. So I see that as the next step. I'm going to wait about a week before talking to her about it on the off chance that she does decide to approach me about the R talk she mentioned. And if she doesn't approach me, then I'll approach her about Retro and describe it to her as a means to improve our communications with each other. I'm not going to present it to her as an effort to save the M. I don't want to put pressure and expectations on her about the experience.

Yeah! I love reading those post AS...especially the part about the cattle prod!

That was a test to see if you were still paying attention since it was such a loooong post. Congrats, you passed the test

Also I liked how you touched on happiness...I recently watched the new documentary called Happy...It made me realize that each of us has to constantly work on this and it is up to us as individuals to be happy...not someone else to make us happy....

Exactly. The book goes into that as well. Now others can obviously influence our happiness, but like you say, it still has to originate with us. I think our sitches are a classic example, it takes a long, long time after BD before we feel happiness again. So a person can do something to us that rips our happiness away. But we can bring it back WITHOUT them, and once we realize that we don't need them for happiness, then we're on the road to recovery.

but I am taking a hint from you AS ...I kept things polite and formal with her and treated her as if she was a neighbor from across the street....After the girls and I sent a letter thanking IL's for having us over....

Job well done!! That's perfect!

My point is....maybe you should invite W over for Christmas for the sake of the kids..

I may have forgotten to mention that, but I talked to the kids and they all wanted to have W over on Christmas morning so I did tell her we'd do that.

AS...you are amazing with what you have been through and where you are today. I can only hope that I can be as strong as you and get to be in a place where you are, where I can look at H and not feel that ache. I love to read your posts. You have such and awesome attitude toward your sitch.

Thank you, that's very flattering! Due to the constraints of typing and risk of boring people I don't journal about every little thing I go through, but I want to assure you and everyone else that this had not been an easy road for me. I don't want people to read this and say "how does he do this when I cannot", I want people to read it and say "he did this and I can too!!" This whole sitch brought me to low places I never even knew existed. I have much more sympathy for people in pain and depression now, I used to think "why don't they just snap out of it" but now I know just how deep and dark the despair can be and how impossible things look when you're mired in it. I was there, and now I'm not. What I've learned is that strength is a funny thing, you think you have it until you well and truly have your world torn away, then you find yourself in a deep, dark hole and chastise yourself for not having any strength to do anything about it. Then suddenly you look up at the light and start scraping and clawing your way out of that hole and when you come out the top and look back down into the pit you realize you are a LOT stronger than you ever realized you could be. You say "wow, I did that, and now I know I can do anything!!!"

I hope that one day, I can be where you are today, closer to reconciliation.

I hope you get there too, but what I hope most is that you get to the point where you see that you will not only survive, but will thrive whether you reconcile or not.

I wonder that about my H as well..how can he function with seeing his kids just a few hours a week?

You never know what a WAS is really thinking. They may seem fine on the outside, but inside it may be tearing him up that he hardly sees them.

Wow AS great job. I wish I could keep as cool as you. I was getting better until the whole vacation with OW. Then I lost it and am back to square one.

Thank you! And don't worry about your backslide, we ALL backslide now and then. Just learn from it and keep moving forward.

How long did it take you until you stopped slipping up?

I think it was about a month after BD that I found DR and these forums. I slipped up a lot before that, but I saw the wisdom in DB'ing right away and have been pretty good about sticking to the principals. But in the early days after BD I did all the typical wrong things- begging, pleading, crying, negotiating, explaining, reasoning. It didn't help and probably hurt things.

You always have a lot of good things to say so I hope you don't leave us if you get back together.

Oh I think my sitch still has a long road ahead, and I'm not planning on leaving this place because it's really helpful to journal and talk to others going through the same thing!

WOW, great post AS, man I wished I lived near you. I'd be like a stray dog over all the time lol. I'm happy you are doing that well.

Thanks! Boy, wouldn't it be great to have DB get-togethers? I really only have one local friend that has any clue at all about WAS's (and he's been a godsend). At least we do have the forums to hang out on!

Oh, one additional thought I forgot to mention earlier. When D16 had her 4 am talk with W and W told her I hadn't changed, that I still put myself first, D16 said "well Dad sets lots of things up for us and always invites you along, but when you set stuff up you never invite him along." W's response was "good point". LOL!