The green green grass of home

[bustingout]

I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering.

SS, I love this. It is so true. Having control over how we feel really does feel empowering. I used to always be governed by my feelings and emotions and I realize in hindsight what a mess I was. Now, I am less afraid and find contentment in a lot more of my life than i ever have in the past.
Glad to read you are doing well!

((((( ))))))

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks everyone. I'm after advice once again. So I was out tonight at D9s rehearsal, when I got home I had a message from H asking me to call. It was from a few hours before. I also had a missed call from MIL.
So I called H back, he was a little snotty because he had wanted me to call h back so he could talk to the kids. I told him I was out.
He asked where I was, I paused and told him the suburb. He asked where in that suburb and I said the RSL. I then quickly changed the subject and ended the call.
So almost instantly he sends a message "Who were you at the club with?"
Followed by another message "Were you on a date?" so I sent MIL a message asking if it was too late to return her call.
I had not answered H's text messages and MIL calls, so I answer and it's H! He said he used MIL's phone to call me. He then asks who I was there with, I hesitantly replied, told him the name of one friend and said and stuff, he asked who stuff was (lol) I told him the name of another friend. These are both my friends but H knows them.
I finally told him it was D rehearsal. (He is going to the actual concert.)
I think my tone may have been slightly rude but how do I deal with this?

Do I simply say " I don't ask you questions about where you have been and who with, so can you please not ask me? " I don't know, that just feels rude to me.
I just don't know how to politely tell him not to ask about me life.

It just feels wrong to not tell him stuff when he asked. I really don't know how he can be so rude to me at times. I have trouble even telling him to not ask questions.
It's not because I'm scared of the outcome. I just feel rude. Really I'd like him to be able to ask and me answer but I'd like the same from him. That's not going to happen and I just don't want a one sided friendship.
This su@ks.

[Crazyville]

"I don't ask you questions about where you have been and who with, so can you please not ask me? " sounds good. "... so don't ask me" sounds better.

He is cake-eating, b.i.g.t.i.m.e.

[LITB]

You have no obligation to tell him your whereabouts or what you are doing.

This is a good opportunity to set a boundary. I just posted this to bustingout and it applies here.

What is a Boundary?

It is a property line that defines where I end and where you begin. Confusion in relationships often comes as a result of others’ not knowing where our boundaries are.

Healthy boundaries allow us to take ownership of what we are responsible for and to whom we are responsible. They provide a structure for balance and success in life and work. When we are free to set limits without guilt; we are also free to love without resentment.

Setting boundaries is not a means of an end to relationship. It is the means to laying the groundwork for improving relationships. Limits draw a line of respect. Without respect, love begins to erode.

Achieving a healthy life balance requires us to establish personal boundaries around the things we value in our lives. Modeling this behavior and respecting it in others will go a long way in developing authentic and lasting relationships.

He is attempting to control you. His behavior is like a child who doesn't get his way and then throws a tantrum.

Let him know that you don't appreciate the way he is treating you and you will not tolerate it. Then when he tries to cross the line, act on it.

He won't like it, but there isn't a way around it. Protect yourself.

[theUF]

I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering.

So true! When I was younger I always had the idea that if I controlled my emotions I would be weak or a "push over".
Now I know better, and see it's actually the complete opposite. Ahh...being young and dumb..I almost miss it

And LITB post is spot on. Boundaries are not evil, they are not ment to hurt people.
It's about having healthy respect, and creating security. Even if people ACT upset about it, they FEEL the security and respect.
It's like LITB says about children, they don't like it but they need it.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering.

So true! When I was younger I always had the idea that if I controlled my emotions I would be weak or a "push over".
Now I know better, and see it's actually the complete opposite. Ahh...being young and dumb..I almost miss it

And LITB post is spot on. Boundaries are not evil, they are not ment to hurt people.
It's about having healthy respect, and creating security. Even if people ACT upset about it, they FEEL the security and respect.
It's like LITB says about children, they don't like it but they need it.

A real boundary is not designed to oppress anyone else, it's simply to protect you from being violated.

[Crazyville]

I really like your quote, LITB. It's a great definition.

[littleGTO]

SS,
MY H recently asked the same probing questions about my whereabouts when I went for an innocent walk up in our neighborhood & ended up talking to some friends for 45 minutes.

I was vague at first but felt ridiculous not telling him. (I think he thinks I might be trying to talk w our divorced next-door neighbor!)

Anyway I agree that boundaries do need to be set. I think it is all in the TONE in which you set your boundaries they way they will be interpreted. Say it nicely, not defensively or rudely and it will more likely be received better. (Let me know how it goes b/c my H is totally cake-eating right now & I know it & haven't done the whole boundary-setting things either...but I've been thinking A LOT about it).

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks everyone. LITB that was a great post on boundary's and I think your right about the control and tantrums.
DLS, I love the way you put that.
Turtlegirl, I think your definitely right about the tone.

My thread is over 100 posts, so I started a new thread and I'll request for this one to be closed.
Thanks again to all of you. It really does help, I wish we could all meet up and have group meetings. lol

My new thread is below.

The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )