Thanks for all the replies! I'll respond back to them after while but first wanted to post my thoughts on the developments of the last couple of days.
So I've taken a bit to digest my W's latest actions and in the meanwhile have just stuck with the same minimal contact with W. Here's my take on it. These are good signs, but she's still got a long ways to go before she comes out of the fog. It's a great indication that she's been able to express confusion to me because she has always been really poor at communication. So just talking about it is a big step for her. And it's also great that she spoke to someone in my family about it (it was communicated to me by my brother, but I don't know who W actually spoke with nor have I asked). So she's starting to open up. The bad news is she is still clinging to her rewritten history. This in particular:
Quote:
but when she found out you weren't going in for Thanksgiving or Christmas her first thought was "he hasn't changed because he's not thinking about the kids, only about himself". She says she always puts the kids first and she doesn't think you care as much about the kids.
D18 spent 4 years in marching band, concert band and Winter Guard. I think I missed 3 or 4 of her halftime performances in those 4 years, and each time it was due to one of our other kids being sick. I never missed a prelim or final in any of her competetitions, some of which we had to travel hundreds of miles to get to. I attended nearly all of her Winter Guard performances (again, unless one of our other kids was sick) and attended every concert performance. I coached S9's soccer team for a couple of years and never missed a practice or game. I take S9 to his scout meetings and events, we go for motorcycle rides about once a week and he treasures what he calls our "movie nights", also about once a week. D16 is in drill team and I've attended every single one of her performances. Currently I'm helping her learn how to drive (she has her permit). I've never missed a singing performance, meet-the-teacher event or awards presentation for any of the kids. I negotiated revised hours with my boss so I could leave work earlier to be with the kids when they get home from school (W and I both used to work late which left the kids home for hours without an adult there). When D18 comes in town from college she stays with me and since we're both movie nuts (W isn't, so she sees it as wasted time) we go see movies together and catch up on a couple of TV series I record for her. I signed up to take both D's to separate painting classes over the holidays. There's more, but I'm sure you get the idea. It is simply not true that I put myself before the kids, in fact it's downright laughable. And W should know that better than anyone.
So of course my natural reaction is I need to point out to W that this is absolutely untrue. I need to sit down with her, remind her of all of the above and she will quickly see the error of her ways and all will be good again. Except it won't. I have to remind myself that she's still in the fog, she's still embracing her rewritten history, and only she can find her way out of the fog. So, I have to stay detached, and I have to keep my mouth shut while she spins this yarn to my own family. Takes a lot of discipline to stand by silently while someone wrecks your reputation as a parent and accuses you of being selfish, but it's what I've got to do.
So, what am I doing differently as a result of this? Nothing. I'm sticking to the DB'ing, sticking to minimal contact with W and continuing on "as if". W said she wanted to talk "later", that's on her. If she wants to talk then I will be there for her. But the boards are full of WAS's that proclaim they want to have a talk later, and then never mention it again. So I'm not expecting it to happen. She said to me that she's still confused, and she said to whoever in my family she talked to that she still doesn't love me. Those are two big hurdles she needs to clear before we can have any kind of meaningful reconciliation discussion. And it may take months for her to jump those hurdles.
So I pray for patience because I sure don't have much
I'll respond back to them after while but first wanted to post my thoughts on the developments of the last couple of days.
