Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks AS, Turtle and Rick for your thoughts. I really appreciate the "there is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman"!

I am having really bad self esteem issues these past days. I just feel like Im constantly comparing myself to OW and I should be way past that now. I know that I am great in so many ways, but H chose her and that still stabs me whenever I think about it. I hear all the time how great I look and how pregnancy suits me, but yet, its not H telling me that. He hasnt said one nice thing to me since all this started...everything has been so negative:(

He took D11 out yesterday to get her the iphone 5. Totally ridiculous if you ask me, but of course, right now that is all he has is "things" that he can buy for them. D said H was in a terrible mood the whole time...not sure why. He was complaining to her that he didnt feel good, had body aches and chills. I find it so strange that he would complain to his 11 year old about all that when he only sees her a few hours a week. Anwyay, she didnt care..she got her phone and that was all that was important to her. When he dropped her off, he came in to see D14, but she is mad at him so she wouldnt get up off the couch to hug him. He made small talk with me and left quickly. We had put up some Christmas decorations and the tree was up but not decorated. H didnt make any mention of anything while he was there...oh well...guess he really doesnt care that he is missing out on the family traditions like decorating the tree....

I must say, that although it should not matter to me, I am getting the sense that H is not happy right now. Between the things the kids tell me, and me seeing him lately, he just doesnt look good. Maybe it is true that he is not really happy, but tries to come off that way. I can tell you that the times I have talked to him or seen him (always revolving around the kids) I have been soooo nice...and smiley too! Im trying on my 180s, but honestly, the one big one was me getting a job and I cannot let him know Im working for fear he will take me back to court and pay less money. I also wont be able to work when I have the baby for at least 8 weeks, so even though Im working, its still only part time. This was one big issue he had with me...that I didnt go back to work and help with finances. For years, I didnt need to, but it was time and he left before I did it. He even mentioned to my D14 that mom needs to get a job! Maybe he will feel less guilt when Im working and he doesnt feel like he left me with no job and no money!

My best girlfriend called tonight and we talked for awhile and H came up. She is the one who went to court with me and who H texted and "broke up" with after court. She said that she has been thinking about him a lot lately and praying for him to just get better and realize his mistakes and actions. She said to me that she just cannot believe that H , who loved his kids and family so much, can not feel some feelings about the new baby coming. It must be strange to know that you have a baby that will be born in 3 months and you know nothing about the baby, or the pregnancy. How can H just not care? He obviously doesnt, but how can that be? Is OW that wonderful and he is that IN LOVE that he will forsake his own kids to be with her?

UGGG...makes me sick to think that is exactly what he has done.

My GALing is going well, as usual. Im not one to sit around, thats for sure...but I just wish I was feeling better than I am almost 4 months since he left. The OW has been in the picture for 8 months now. I also am confused that in the beginning he was back and forth, honestly confused on what to do and who to be with. He said things like "I cant imagine life without you" and "I want to be home and with you and my kids" but that changed so quickly. It was like one day, he was up in the air and than the next, he was with her and moved out...I guess this is normal of WAH...they cake eat until they cannot anymore. I just never, ever thought he would chose her over me...I never thought that he would stoop so low.

AS...I anxiously await the day where I can wake and not think about how cold the other side of my bed is and not think of H at least once an hour all day long...