Welcome to catch-22

[Big Bruce]

My dear friends,
First of all I want to say thank you. I know it takes time to read a sitch, understand well, and respond with wisdom and impartially.

Because I am earnest, I will answer all the questions the best I can, and pay attention to your advice, to save this M.
I might have sounded like a bad person, haughty and all, but am really not. People would describe me as affable and forthcoming.

It's been a long time since I'm not trying to be right any more. And it looks like I need to eat some more humble pie. So be it, if I want to have my W back. The plan to get rid of self-righteousness is to never accuse my W of anything. I can say, without boasting, that I did precisely that. And since we're talking about accusations/negativity, I also (except one short email in June) NEVER used our Christian beliefs, or the Bible to condemn her, or convince her.

And yes, I saw a personal counsellor one month after I arrived, but he helped me more with my "dark" thoughts to say the least. And why was I expecting my wife to welcome me? Well, because I, nasty as I am, wouldn't have inflicted to my worse enemy what I had to go through upon my arrival. Physical pain, sleepless nights, anguishes, acids in the stomach, heart beats, sorrow, lack of hunger, lack of wanting to continue to live, I think many people on this site can relate, I will stop the description here. No one deserves that, if I wasn't a coward, I would maybe have done something irreparable to myself. This is NO JOKE.

Now, what have I done, to back up my nice letters, with the best intentions? Well, I have accepted all her schedule for visitation, and in my 2x 1.5 hour visits per week, I have played with my son in the park, invited them to McDo and paid for their goodies.
I have asked questions about her life (studies, part-time work) and tried to listen and nod the best I could, but the answers were always very short and matter of factly, so it wasn't easy.
I shared about things I was doing, been always upbeat and gentle, held the door, helped her put her coat on, carried "the toddler", put him in the car, took him out of the car, fed him pots of toddler food, bought him toys.. you get the picture.
Since I don't have the "home advantage", it took months of changed behaviour before she stopped sulking and acting more "normal" around me. (baby step he?)

I not only said and written things, I have acted on it as well. The way I treat her now is focus on her and my son : opposite of what I used to do. If you have suggestions of what other things I could be doing to show my goodwill, I'd most certainly appreciate.

Now, I have to make something clear: I sought more time with my son, even asked to have him overnight, one night a week, but she always resisted my efforts. For the sake of reconciliation, I didn't enter into a legal battle to ascertain my rights right away, but gently kept reminding her that I'd love to get more involved in my son's life.
About a month ago, people on this site told me that custody of my son was more important than the relationship for the moment, or I might lose both, which led to me asking more openly, and her refusing more openly. I politely said I would seek help from a lawyer because the visitation pattern wasn't fair, which caused her to run to her lawyer and file for 100% custody and D.

Yes, now she will be inconvenienced if I have 50% custody, and no I haven't been alone with my son for one minute, let alone take care of him for a whole day or night, so I understand her concern.

One thing you're absolutely right, I shouldn't assume the worse of her. I shouldn't already being negative about her reaction. Although her filing for D is in a sense, her getting mad at me for asking to have my son more time. Now the legal battle has begun, and I have to take the hight road, always.

Oh, and another thing I did to show I was not going to bully/criticize, etc... well, the next day of being served, I wrote an email, (beginning as usual with a compliment and ending with an encouragement, and nice in the middle), and at the end I stated "P.S. I received the papers, and that was sad she felt so hopeless about us". No reproaches, no criticism, no accusations. How about that?

To show generosity and less self-centredness, I gave her back in July a check of big amount, to "help with the expenses". At first she refused to cash it, but a month or two after, she said she was entitled to this, that, and she would cash the check. To which I replied that no need to ask, if she wanted all my salary was hers. I mean business with generosity.

And maybe she goes to church somewhere else, but I don't think so. And no, I haven't been exactly a model of spiritual leadership, no I haven't been the husband I should have been.

Since the Bomb in June, in words, in thoughts and in acts I made steps towards her, towards restoration, without receiving any in return, and I didn't grow weary, I kept on giving, love attention, kindness and patience.
We reached this point now, and I'm at loss of what should be my next steps. Really am.

Even if before when we were in France, I showed myself distant, selfish and perhaps even neglected her. Even if I am responsible for losing that "emotional connection", is it a reason to DIVORCE? I mean without even trying to go to counsellor, or anything? Is it a good reason to screw up our son's life and mine? Those are rhetorical questions of course, and it just to emphasize the hard place I'm in, so you guys don't think I just have to make a couple of 180 and everything's going to be alright...

Thank you for reading, and perhaps responding, be assured of my reading several times each post, as I try to implement these precious advice in my situation. Bonsoir.