MLC, affair, internet pictures, we're a mess

[sandi2]

"I already went through those."
" What about these?" I said of the first Christmas ornaments. Since she wouldn't out and say she did not want to put up the marriage ornaments I went ahead and put them on the tree. She also got pissy about me putting my childhood ornaments on he tree (she tried setting them aside in another box) even though hers were going up. I sure as hell put mine up too. With a smile and jimming of a Christmas tune.

“the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents” Carl Jung

Or the immaturity of the parents!

[cantslowdown]

There was no illegal action on their part. She could probably lose her job if they found out. I told her that its not me who she has to worry about telling the school, but him. When their realtionship goes south, all he has to do is talk. Then it is done.

I don't see her moving out (even though I said GO), so I am going to hold her to this communication thing (even though I still have no clue what I am doing there and told the counselor that it is the sticking point. We don't know how to get the other to effectively understand what we think we are saying). At least she is headed back to the MC in two weeks with me and we are supposed to have our needs lists written and ready.

Neither of us wants to be the part time parent, but everytime I bring up the fact that we have children that will be affected by what we do, I am being told that I am using them as pawns (by my wife, I don't believe I ever heard the counselor say that). Apparently if what I get out of this marriage is keeping my family together and a better future for all of us even though the now [censored], I am wrong because I am thinking about the children. That is why I stood FIRM at the end about that if she wants to go, go, but I am not helping her leave. That is her decision and I do not support it.

[cantslowdown]

Or the immaturity of the parents!

and I am immature too. I know all the other crap we did, we did because we kept missing the target with each other and instead of doing something about it, looked for easier targets. I need to learn to be a more mature communicator.

I have a lawyer style right now and it is frustrating. I want to nail down the facts, then sort out the mess. Problem is that the "facts" as I understand them keep changing as she "remembers" them. It's not that we just see things differently. She sees the same thing differently if the way she saw it before didn't work out for her. And we run around the same tree.

I know I can't change her so I desperately need to change my style. I feel like we are in a cycle where she is the "pusher" and I am the "giver" (her words today). I felt like yelling SO STOP PUSHING! but I did not.

Everytime I put my foot down now, not to win any battle, but to clearly live my life in the right and wrong of what I believe, I get feedback that would make a teenager look positively cheery at all times. I'm not even doing this stuff to win her over (because I do not like the confrontation), but to better align myself with my core values. I'd like to be able to better communicate those. I don't feel like it needs ot be a fight. I thought they used to be very close to hers, too. We are both off track.

The five love languages wasn't at the library when I went after MC, so I got his other book "Desperate marriages : moving toward hope and healing in your relationship"
hoping that it may have some bleed over information that I could glean form it. I am also revisitng DR time and again, as well as the bible and William george Jordan, "We should begin it today. Today is the only real day of life for us. Today is the tomb of yesterday, the cradle of tomorrow. All our past ends in today. All our future begins in today."

[cantslowdown]

does she really think she can make it with this college guy? He sounds like a scumbag- isn't there a case where he could be prosecuted for what he did?

She keeps saying that it snot about him so don't worry about it. Its all to get away from me. Life would be fine if I wasn't in it. She said she doesn't expect him to be there forever. I don't expect him to be there at all. I got her to admit that she lied and hid seeing him yesterday in counseling. She tried to say she doesn't see him much and its only for work. I said whe was gone six hours yesterday on his birthday and it doesn't take that long to consolidate recepits. She said fine she was with him both times she left the house, bu tshe is his friend sso I should get over it and it is my fault that she did what she did.

[cantslowdown]

As for the prosecution, I guess you mean breaking into my email? I had never considered it before. Evidence is basically he said she said at this point. And my wife would be the deciding witness. Guess whose side she would choose?

It doesn't matter, though, really. We had problems that needed to be fixed. We are hitting rock bottom and have to deal with it. If he hadn't done that, I beleive some other excuse could have been imagined to be together anyway. they were already together all the time and on the phone all the time.

[cantslowdown]

So how do you detach? When I say this I think its a detachment of the anger I feel towards what shes done and how I react when provoked with all this pent up crap. When we argue I am not a screamer, but I have a LOUD voice so making passionate points comes across as me hollering or shouting her down (I think). She said if I do that again she will walk out of therapy and never go back. I understand that. I said that I don't like that about myself and I was hoping the communication expert (the counselor) could help me. It will help me in all kinds of misunderstandings because I get going and can't stop. I am like a lawyer at the end of A Few Good Men shouting out the facts.

Anyway, I have to detach and head myself off at the pass when I am going for one of these situations. Especially if it gets to her misleading the counselor and I have to control my gut reaction to set the record straight.

When I got home she said she doesn't see why she should go back because it didn't work (today, our one and only get to know how f'd up we are session). I just said if she wanted to be able to tell everyone she tried counseling before she decided to leave, then she needs to TRY counseling. I am not letting her off the hook. I may not be able to get her to stop seeing him and concentrate on us, but I sure as heck am not going to put up with the lies and half-cracked communication styles we have if she chooses to remain in this house.

[cantslowdown]

What is the difference between a walk away wife and a mid life crisis? I can see why she'd walk away with all the trouble we've had and is just biding her time until she can make a clean get away, but she also seems to be textbook mid life crisis where everything is always my fault and our entire history has been rewritten.

Is it possible she could be both? She chose to make him her new best friend before she knew about my issues. She was bored with me (her words). Funnily enough instead of hanging out with me, she would hang out with him. So no new social parties or anything was happening. He was just meeting needs I was not and I get that. I just have no idea where she is now, mentally. Perhaps a little of both, WAW and MLC.

[7720]

Have you read DB the answer to your questions is in there.....hang in there and breathe you will get through this...read other posts just relax you don't need all the answers right now...you are not going to solve this in three weeks..

[cantslowdown]

thank goodness I have more than 3 weeks. By the timetable she's alluded to, it'd proabbly be a year before she finally tried to move out and take the kids. I am just trying to get ahold of myself near term so I can calmly make changes in me. I think part of the problem with what happened in the counselor is because it is about the third or fourth she really "talked" to me about everything. We keep avoiding everything then it all builds up and we just fight. I have to accept that she sees things differently and interprets them differently and that it will change. I guess the good news is that if it keeps changing now while she's upset, then it could possibly finally change to a POV that makes her a little...less upset.

[cantslowdown]

I have the DR book. It seems like she could be either WAW or MLC. There is plenty there for both to be true.