Well, went on a dinner date tonight. A guy I met online and had a coffee date with a month ago or so. We both were too busy to get together until now.
Pros: He's just a couple of years older than me, was married for fifteen years, seems thoughtful, is tall, and a musician
Cons: He's a musician (makes a living at it but not exactly flush), he's older than me (serious beer belly - can't help it, my medical mind leaps to beer belly=low testosterone and insulin resistance = sexual dysfunction) and unfortunately - even though I think he's a very nice man - no sparks.
No sparks = no reason for a second date. I've done the "it will grow" and it just doesn't. Well, at least for me.
I've been dating a veterinarian and letting him slowly into my life. I started to open up and be vulnerable and "WHAM" I started to push him away. I have this dark side and I'm terrified of rejection and he just got too close. I tried to explain it to him, but I don't think he understands. Anyway, he left on Wed. for a Thanksgiving visit and I haven't heard from him since. We're supposed to talk today, but I'm just a bit miffed that he couldn't even pick up the phone on a holiday to check in. I think that's SO rude!!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
You need to be very clear with yourself about what you want before you go looking online. And you need to be very clear about who you are and what you want in the profile you will post.
The basics: Find some recent, attractive photos of yourself. Not provacative or you will just get booty calls. The same in what you write - if it is all sexual - that's what you will get. And trust me - you will get plenty of it even if you're not asking for it.
Set your standards high - you have to decide who you feel would be a good match for your future - not just dating but who could be GOOD for you, eventually good for Gabby, someone who wants a relationship - not just a Sat night date (unless that is also what you want).
I had high expectations. Some of them included: Must be employed - with earning power equal to or greater than myself (I did not want to support someone else - I have 3 kids), must not have a huge debt (ok - you can't find that out online but early on you need to figure that out), must have time to date (not working 2 jobs or having their kids at home 24/7), must not be a smoker or heavy drinker (although one who enjoyed a good bottle of wine was important for me), must love to travel, must enjoy the great outdoors, must not have cheated (ok - again - you kind of ask how their relationships have ended AFTER you've met them).
Gineen - it's almost like a job at first. There is important ground work to do. And you need to weed them out based on your list. Or if something just doesn't feel right. But remember that it really is having similar goals, values and morals that really helps make a relationship work. And that spark. But you meet to find that out. And you need to kiss some frogs before you find your prince.
I wish you the best in this endeavor. I'm sure you will be successful. I'll be glad to give you input if you make up a sample profile.
Have a guy help with the profile. He can tell you what guys look for. Don't make it a novel otherwise men won't read it (remember that guys don't read manuals) lol. Don't make yourself too independent/dependent guys don't like that. Barb booty call pics are good in my view. Doesn't mean GM has to be one. Go out on as many dates as you can. And the big one, don't look or act desperate. Act as if you can have any dude. Guys like a hard to get lady.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Gineen: It sounds like you've turned a corner. BRAVO!
I am more than happy to take a look and give you some pointers.
I really hear you on the grammar - that's a real sticking point with me too.
Rick makes a good point about having a guy's input with the writing of the profile. But not about the provocative photos. "Slightly suggestive" might be a better way to go.
I never looked at anyone else's profile. I just jotted down some points - then wrote a story from there. I did run it by a guy friend that I had a crush on.
And of course the biggies here are to only go with your first name and cel phone number. I had a separate email address just for online dating and I always got to know them a bit on the phone and chatting before actually meeting. Just to be sure I was comfortable. Never give our your address or bring them home until you've checked them out and gone out a couple of times. I made sure they weren't following me home and I always made sure my friends knew where I was meeting them.
Well, looks like I blew it with the vet. He wrote me an email on Thanksgiving, but I didn't read it because I was sick with food poisoning until Sat. morning when we were supposed to meet. He told me my pushing him away was too extreme.
I will read about the Love Avoidant. What a couple of my friends told me is they think I still have symptoms of PTSD. Has anyone ever heard of that? But, I think I might. My body went into shock and is still not fully recovered 3 1/2 years later. I felt some anger this week about this. I just want to be myself again!!
Well, I signed up for a holiday event with my matchmaking service and I also applied to be featured in the Feb. issue of a local magazine. They do a special "singles" edition for Valentine's Day. I did SO much online dating and it's so much time and effort and I really didn't meet that many interesting men. I applaud anyone wanting to do it because you learn about yourself and what you are looking for as you date.
I'm ready for a partner, too! Dang it...
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I have done the online dating thing off and on (mostly off) for the last 3 years. I went on several first "meets" can't really call them dates which were good opportunities to get a feel for if there was any spark or attraction (which for me is extremely important) between us. Two of these turned into multiple dates with one being about a 4 month relationship. However that relationship did not really grow past the initial infatuation and newness and excitement that comes from being with a new person. I think that was primarily because I wasn't really, really ready to let someone else in (yes even men feel that way - it's just not about hooking up). However, it is clear I am ready now and as a result I have started a relationship with someone who I have the kind of feelings for that I haven't had since dating my ex-wife - which is really nice and promising. I wouldn't say I am "in love" yet, but the relationship is moving steadily in that direction and I couldn't be happier. Long story short is that I think you have to be ready to let someone in completely before you have a chance at a successful relationship with them. Just my 2 cents.
So, at least I seem to be getting a bit better at recognizing these "Love Avoidant" guys earlier (although somehow I keep attracting them into my sphere).
Was chatting with a guy from online dating. Age appropriate (just 5 years younger), attractive, but lives 1 1/2 hours away. I had already guessed from a few clues that he might be yet another middle-aged love avoidant hermit - but he was smart and funny and I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
Finally the other night we had a long telephone conversation and I got to know a little more about him. It was a delightful conversation - he's smart, creative, funny, interesting. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours. I didn't get too excited though, since we haven't met in person yet and I was still picking up those "hermit" signals.
Sure enough - the next morning he sends me a long text message. All about how much he enjoyed our chat and how great he thinks I am - and how he shouldn't waste my time because he has (by his own admission) been avoiding being in any relationships for the last two years. (Although he would very much like to be my friend).
My take on it - we had such a great time chatting, it scared the bejesus out of his love avoidant self. Because I'm the real deal, not some woman he could just casually date and dump and still feel good about himself.
It helps so much to understand this whole Love Avoidant phenomenon - otherwise I would be scratching my head right now, wondering what I said wrong. But I can see that it's really just that he's yet another love avoidant guy, scared to death of being engulfed by a relationship, although he's standing outside the bakery window drooling.
And I can even see where it comes from in his case - he's told me enough about his past to put the puzzle pieces together.
Oh well - at least it was refreshing to find a guy that was smart and clever and could hold a good conversation. Now, to find one of those who is NOT broken!!!
