WAS vs. LBS

[AJM]

Hi SS. I think I see a little clearer than before.

I'm asking your your opinion on how to try to reach a compromise or is this something she either needs to accept or move on.

Compromise is exactly what I'm suggesting. I think we disagree as to what that may be, although I can say I don't know what is acceptable compromise for CV and her H - that's for them to figure out. I think (and I'm guessing here) CV feels like she has tried to find that compromise, failed, and is giving up. As I alluded to before, I don't understand that concept in my own life, but I understand the mechanics if that makes sense. Is it a question of accepting OR moving on? I don't see it like that. I see it as trying until you find a compromise.

CV wants change. Very much. I get that. I suspect her H does to even if he doesn't know what that looks like.

My H tried to say that I made him lie to me but I know that's not true. At least not to the extent he tries to say. He lies over the pettiest of things and I have seen/ heard him do it to pretty much all of our family and friends over the years. It could be as simple as saying he just woke up, when yet he had been up for hours. My question was probably not the best question to post in CVs thread.

Can you expand on the part about "...at least not to the extent he tries to say." ? I'm curious about that part.

My philosophy is that we all interact with one another. We act and react. Constantly. I would venture to say that CV's husband doesn't know to the extent his actions have impacted CV. Conversely, she may not see how her actions influence and impact him. I would say that the same is likely true to some extent in your relationship. Not saying his reaction is correct or even about you, but it would be next to impossible for you to act/react without having an impact on H. And vice-versa. You're in it together. You dance together. One moves left, and so does the other.

Why does your H feel the need to lie about such things? I dunno. That's something for him to say. Why does he feel like you have a part in it? Or least say he does? I dunno, but I suspect there would be at least a small amount of truth in that. I doubt you would be human if there wasn't.

Allow me to go back to my marriage as an example. I had an impact on my spouse over the years. Did I do what she accused me of? There was "some" truth in it. At some point, when things fell apart for her, did she "feel" like those were the reasons she *had* to leave? And then why she was and has been so angry towards me? I would guess so. Is that why she "felt" like she had to re-remember her past with me and walk out on the kids and me on mother's day? I would guess so. Does that mean I had no part in it? Of course I did. My actions had an impact. There was and is much more to it, but I'm simplifying in this case to illustrate.

We all have an impact, SS. We all have a part in what's going on even if we don't want to see it. We have anger and resentment, ofen even if we "feel" we don't. Others will pick up on it even if it's not forefront in our minds and thoughts. It can still be seen, and especially by those that are already sensitive about it. Or who have gone through it with others

It's why I picked up on CV's email as having anger and resentment. I can feel it in the words.

Does your H feel anger and resentment from you? Do you know if he does and why? Does he feel he "needs" to lie because of your impact or maybe for some other reason even if you don't see the need? Is it possible?

Nobody's perfect, SS. Nobody. We change over the years. Experience and "life" teach us various things. We use our own experience to help us make sense of it. What we consider "normal" is not "normal" to somebody else. We all have shortcomings and we all have to be honest at some point and work to address those shortcomings. We do that in different ways. We develop "crutches" or ways to deal with pain and what other people's impacts are to us. We rationalize them according to our "norm".

Sometimes, our "norm" doesn't work for us. We find that out the hard way in many cases. What we "thought" was, isn't. What we did to compensate for those "norms" has to change. So we change. Sometimes unwillingly and with much pain and angst. Kicking and screaming.

We are imperfect. Our spouses are there in part, to help us become the best we can. That's both directions because we are all imperfect. Frustrations and all...

Make more sense? If not, let me know. I truly only want to help. If I'm not helping, let me know that too. I can give back the money paid and stop

AJ