Chatterbug, Love what you wrote above, but I want to give me thoughts on one thing... because I think it's important.
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
Far to many people here think detachment means taking your time to answer based on some 24 hour rule. Being aloof and hindering communication to by time. Becoming some emotionless shell as soon as the 'FAKE SMILES' and upbeat 'your the best person in the world' hello get you nowhere.
I always recommend the 24/48 hr rule to responding to your spouse. This was recommended to me by Kaffe Diem and it saved me from saying alot of stupid things and making decisions that I would regret later.
You're right that one shouldn't be aloof and hinder communication... but especially in the beginning.. newcomers are often VERY emotional. They spend 99% of their time on an emotional rollercoaster reacting to almost everything the WAS does and says.
The 24 hour rule allows the LBS to make sure they are not reacting.. and give themselves a chance to ACT.
It gives them time to go process their feelings and allows them the opportunity to figure out HOW to effectively communicate to their spouse on whatever the topic.
Of course this can not always be done - especially face to face conversations.. but when texts, emails, voicemails.. it's not a bad idea to take a moment and think.
And as for being upbeat - that is for the LBS not for the WAS. Where the head goes, the heart will follow. At first, it was d@mn hard to be positive around xw but I did it (honestly - caz I didn't want her to know I was hurting)
The more I did it - the more happier I became till one day... I was positive w/o even trying..
... WIN!
Yes - I think some of new LBS can use these as tactics... but there are folks that will reflect in that 24 hr time period or will learn to be positive just for positive sake...
... and IMO - UF will be one of those people.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
