Into the abyss!

[lionhrt]

A week since I last posted so time for an update.

W moved out last night after a failed attempt last weekend. She spent the night at her place last weekend, turned up the next day, made some food and went to bed!

I think last night was the real deal. W was extremely upset and cried a lot which surprised me a little. She has been pretty emotionless since BD and I expected this to be the same.

I held it together, didnt cry but didnt say much. I gave her a hug as she left and she nestled her head in my chest. She said she was sorry things turned out like this. I simply replied 'me too'. Feel like I should have said more but my emotions shut down and not sure if I acted a bit cold.

She still has a lot of stuff here so said she will ring n come around to collect it in the next day or so. She hasnt taken any of S stuff though!

She also text not long ago asking about S - we have been horse riding, swimming and shopping today then I cooked dinner for my folks. I text her back but kept it brief, that S has had a good day and is fine.

I am a bit unsure how to take things from here. I need space to properly detach but am already missing W! I was going to go dim for a few weeks for my own benefit, but am not too sure now.

[Wendylon]

I am a bit unsure how to take things from here. I need space to properly detach but am already missing W! I was going to go dim for a few weeks for my own benefit, but am not too sure now.

The fact that you're missing W doesn't mean you shouldn't detach and go dim--for your own benefit and to give your W the best chance of missing you and family life.

I think you did great both when she left and in your response to her question about S. I'm really impressed too at what you managed to do with your S. We just managed swimming with our S.

Your best bet, as I see it, is to keep doing what you were doing and to stick to your original plan for now. When is your W going to spend time with your S? There will be hand-overs so presumably she will have a chance to notice your DBing efforts even as you're dim.

[lionhrt]

Thanks for the comments Wendylon - it helps a lot.

W will have S during the week when he is at school. I will pick him up from her place Friday evening then take him to school Monday mornings. So we will see each other once a week for the handover. We have not discussed school holidays yet! It does worry me because W has been making comments like S does not notice her and she may as well be invisible - but then she hasnt exactly been around much these last few weeks.

[Wendylon]

It does worry me because W has been making comments like S does not notice her and she may as well be invisible

Does that worry you because you think she may figure that she might as well have even less to do with S12? It may be that she realises that she's not been around S12 much and that her R with him is suffering.

What would you like in terms of the holidays and S12?

[lionhrt]

W text again about S and said she is really missing him. S has an app on his ipad that lets you put speech onto pictures so he can press a photo and get the word. He had been pressing a photo of me n W which gives the speech mummy and daddy. Told W he was fine but he had been pressing this button on his ipad and guess he is missing you too. She replied saying aw bless and I stupidly replied yes, its a shame.

What was I thinking!! Why on earth did I guilt trip her like that!!! Yes, part of me was annoyed and wanted to say well you wanted this!. I really do need to exercise more self control at times.

[Wendylon]

Rkyfat, it's really hard to exercise self-control in situations like the one you described so be easy on yourself. It's great that you've caught it and you're more likely to exercise self-control next time you're in a similar position. How did your W respond to your comment?

I think it's encouraging that your W misses S12 and told you. I wouldn't even go to whether or not S12 is missing her. You want her to think that your lives are carrying on fine with or without her. Maybe don't text her back so quickly next time. It will both show that you're busy and give you more time to text something in DB mode.

[lionhrt]

Thanks yet again Wendylon. W did not reply - I didnt expect her to either!! As you say, I have learned from it, now I need to forget it and move on.

So my first day in the house all alone! dropped S off at school this morning and won't see him now until Friday evening. It was the strangest feeling ever coming home from work and having no dog, kids or W when I got in. I got changed and went straight to the gym!! Only a few months ago our house was bursting at the seems. Now eldest S at University and everyone else gone including the dog! To think all those times over the years I would say to myself - what I would give for a bit of peace and quiet . Be careful what you wish for.......

I text W to see how S had settled and that dog was ok - I know I am going dim but kept it strictly about S and dog. She replied they were fine and even made a joke with a smiley text! I replied glad they are ok and left it at that.

One thing that has been on my mind is that reading other peoples sitchs they seem to have had the conversation at some point where they make it clear they are standing and fighting for the M or R. We have never had that conversation. I said I support her decision etc etc.

Have I missed a key stage in DBing?

My plan going forwards is to go dim during the week but when I see her for transfer of S to be as upbeat as possible and obviously keep going with the 180's. I hope some of the pressure may be lifted from W now that she has moved out properly and that she will have time to think about things properly. But given MLC lasts anywhere between 2 and 5 yrs its going to be a long wait.

I have been given the gift of time and I intend to use it! If this ever does work out I will never wish for a bit of peace and quiet again

[sandi2]

"One thing that has been on my mind is that reading other peoples sitchs they seem to have had the conversation at some point where they make it clear they are standing and fighting for the M or R. We have never had that conversation. I said I support her decision etc etc.

Have I missed a key stage in DBing?"

No, I don't believe you have. In fact, the more the LBS proclaim their intentions of not giving a D and standing, etc., it seems to push the WAS harder to show them they will get a D. IMHO, the WAS should wonder what the LBS may do. That is the point behind the PMA, being mysterous, being less available, GAL, etc. She needs to be unsure if you'll wait it out. If you were to tell her you will wait for her as many years as it takes for her to get through menopause, MLC, or whatever.....that's the same as being available to her all that time!

The WAW needs to miss him and wonder if she's made a mistake, and if she will lose him forever. As long as you tell her you support whatever decision she makes, why should she worry about losing you? She takes it for granted that you'll love her regardless what she does.

[25yearsmlc]

I never said "I'm standing" or words to that effect.

I told OUR KIDS, when they asked, that I hoped we "would not divorce b/c I love their dad very much", and or "we've loved each other a long time", etc....

but not once did I tell my h that. I feel it would have back fired on me.

The fact that I didn't file for divorce AND was as warm and upbeat as I could be around him, said enough as far as I was concerned. In fact the actions were what "spoke" the loudest.

I GAL big time. Made me happier, which convinced me I'd be okay no matter what.

Once convinced, I think my belief radiated to my h, and HE came to wonder what was going on and maybe his choices were not so great...

and things turned around eventually.

IF HE had said "Let's divorce" I might have said "I wish we could work this out instead" but I would not have pleaded...or argued.

that's NOT DBing.

[lionhrt]

Thanks sandi and 25yrs. I still have these moments have doubt so its good to get advice from those that have been through it and come out of the other side.

Nearly done a week now at home alone and contact with W has been minimal. She text earlier this week to say she would call round to pick some more things up during the day as well as pieces of furniture we agreed she could take. S seems to have settled ok at her place which is a huge relief.

I pick him up tomorrow evening and can't wait I sure intend to make the most of this weekend with him.

I have kept busy all week and not spent much time in the house alone. Called at my parents for dinner tonight and been to the gym every other night this week. Also, put a few more hours in at work whilst I have the chance. Had a call from a recruitment consultant yesterday and have landed a job interview next Friday for a better job so am looking forward to that.

Re-thinking some new goals now I have had a bit more time to myself:

1. To keep upbeat with W when picking son up
2. To make W laugh at least once when I pick son up (she used to love my sense of humour when we met)
3. For W to invite me in for a coffee when I pick S up.
4. To do a joint activity with W and S (this is more medium term over the next month or so)

Simple I know, but my overall plan is to remain dim in the week (minimal contact) but make the most of the contact when I pick S up. I hope this gives her chance to miss me, but also when she does see me, has sufficient time to notice the changes. Does this seem sensible?

Also started to read DR again to remain focussed.