A Life Filled With Grace

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Val,
Your story kinda scares me a little.

Have you read it?. Bless ya if you did... It's long but I put everything out on the table.

What about my story scares you?

If I can't win back my wife, I will have to start from scratch. Or worse, I'll be a divorcee with a kid. Who wants that?

To most women over 30, a man who is a good father to a son, is a far better catch than a man who chose not to have kids...truly. Not to mention all the women who have fertility problems who'd LOVE to be stepmoms b/c they can't be biological mothers themselves.

The real question is whether you'll be the same man in your next relationship as you were in this one.

We hope your next relationship is a restored Different marriage to your present wife.

IS your fear of Val's situation that YOU might "do all the work" and it not result in a reconciliation?

But you are seeing this as if victory ONLY comes from a reconciliation, but that's not the case.


The real Victory here is over ourselves. Doing all the work is a good start.

If you don't dig deep enough to know what to change and bravely do the work,'

chances are you'll run into the same problems in your next r.

That's why even more 2nd marriages fail than first marriages.

Yes The divorce rate gets higher! Why? B/C The person does not learn the lessons needed from marriage #1, to CHANGE enough...

so they repeat their mistakes and engage in the same behaviors.

Maybe they figure they "Survived" the first divorce, so they can divorce again, and again, perhaps w/the hope they'll meet someone who won't expect THEM to change....

what WE veterans learned here is that it;s actually easier and far more successful in the long run, to just work on OURSELVES...

Self improvement/growth has the highest rate of success, and the best "return on investment", b/c w/it, we are inevitably happier, more loving people. That is always a good thing.

And it so happens that it helps with the likelihood of an ultimate reconciliation too.

Hence the oft repeated advice to you, to DIG DEEPER and keep a mirror handy.

Don't focus on your fears of the future before you even work on you,

and don't focus on what you think SHE did to YOU, b/c you need to focus on the opposite, or you'll stay in "Victimville: Population, You."

It's not like WE didn't have to do the same thing Bruce...we did. I sure did.

YOU are the only person you can control. Bruce, Do you believe that?

Is working on you too hard for you to embrace?



I can't understand that fear. It's difficult for me to talk about my life w/o bringing up my xw. She was a part of it for all those years.

And yes.. some people have gotten hesitant.. when it comes up. --- They don't want to end up there.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but in a sense, you are freer without kids, to really forgive, forget, and go on. Whereas, I'll be always "chained" to my W.

A LOT of folks here wanted children but could not have them...

As for forgiving, it's BECAUSE we had children I worked so hard to forgive and let go of the past. IF we had no children, we'd have been done (I'd have filed for divorce) within a few months of his first secret trip north...

This comment of yours, this attitude about being "Chained" to your wife by the God given blessing of having a son, which you evidently see as a burden -

is pretty inconsistent with your "Christian" claims.

Hey I'm a believer too, but I've noticed that the more often someone tells others of their faith as if it proves something about them, the more likely they're using it as a weapon of judgement, or a "sin measuring tool", and not as a guide for them to become a more loving person...

Back to your son...

Maybe you can Terminate your parental rights.

Give him up. Seriously. Why not? That way, you won't feel "chained" to your wife and it's less work for you,

and you can date younger women without being seen as "older" or chained to a child.

And you might even be relieved of the financial burdens like those "Stupid educational accounts"....

(I know you think I'm a harpy for bringing that up. But I don't recall you addressing or retracting that comment so it's just out there...still dangling...)

Bruce, if this^^ has ANY appeal to you, it fits pretty nicely with your wife's description of you NOT being "family minded"..in fact, these types of comments prove it.

I worry that you don't actually WANT TIme with him, per se, but you want her to suffer for divorcing you.

Bruce, DIG DEEP and ask yourself how you can talk about your wife and son this way, and reconcile it with your proclaimed religious views.

Are you in this to "Win" against her, or to become a good loving father?




I AM thankful that we don't have kids together. If you read my story, you will read that we were trying 4 months before the bomb.. and it would have been awful going through it with them.

But then I didn't really get to DB either to her. My contact was VERY limited. I HAD to work on me.. I HAD to make the changes real for ME.

And I know you feel "chained" but currently that is just your pain talking.--

Looking back, is there anything you wish you did, or didn't do, to save your M? (I'm still trying to figure out what I should do at this point).

BRUCE, your question is a good one but as Val says, SHE worked ON HER...and she GAL and she kept working on HER and her spiritual path...

Bruce, do you truly have no idea what to work on? Your wife told you some big things.

So did we. Maybe read what worked in other people's situations...that will help.

There is a common thread in ALL the successful recon stories AND in all the "happy despite the divorce" stories...

We are happier. We worked on ourselves, we changed, we Got A Life, we loved more and received love with more awareness and genuine gratitude...

For all the pain these ordeals cause us, we are better people for it.



the real journey in life is an inward one Bruce...

You must answer the hard questions Bruce... you will have to sometime.

Either do it with us and get support here, or figure it all out LATER ON the hard, lonely way.


That's a good question. I'll have to think about that some... but I can tell that if there are things that I wish I DID or DIDN'T DO.. it will be because I wasn't the woman I wanted to be... NOT because I wanted a recon. There is a difference.

And I can tell you that I have very few regrets in the D process. It could have gotten ugly.. very ugly... and there were times when I could have snapped back... Given the treatment that was gave to me......

... but I didn't and at times I hated it. I hated taking the high road. I hated hurting more to love her.

There were times that I cried out.. "I Don't want to be the bigger person! She doesn't deserve my kindness".

But the board supported me and helped me stayed focus. And that's where my faith came in. And that's when my heart started to truly change.

I am forever grateful for those moments.. no matter how painful they were at the time.

And Val, 30 is still "acceptable" young to date and meet someone new, don't waste your time. Soon I'll be 35, and already that's a different story. I notice this when I meet 22-26 girls who think I'm like 27-30, and then are all surprised when I say my age...

So on one hand you think you have it so much harder than she does b/c she's a few years younger than you (-which reveals a startling lack of empathy for the folks here who are older than you, which is MOST of us)

and on the other hand,

you're already planning on moving along to new OWs, and not "worrying" about how You got here in the first place...Wow...

Frankly Bruce, being in your situation does sukk b/c you think you did nothing wrong.

And it would TERRIFY ME if I truly believed I had been a great wife and that even so, my h left me...

b/c that would mean I had so little control over my life! Why wouldn't it keep happening?

When my DB coach helped me see that I had some issues to work on in ME, I was relieved! Why?

B/C It meant I was NOT powerless b/c I COULD CHANGE ME...

I hope you get this concept really soon.