He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[Wendylon]

H also states that he has a fundamental distrust of me, that he thinks I have an "agenda." Not sure what he means by that or why, because I am not a game player.

I've heard that before from my H! He thinks my "agenda" is to get my way and turn him into someone he's not--just to suit me. He's also mentioned that he fears that my goal in the R is to win. Like yours, my H has said that he doesn't trust me and that he wouldn't be surprised if I dumped him once I had him just the way I wanted him.

One thing we do agree on though: neither one of us wants an acrimonious D, and neither one of us really wants to break up the family.

That is huge.

H's perspective is that he doesn't want to break up the family, but isn't willing to commit to fixing the M.

That sound familiar too. I don't think you can hurry him. Any hint that you aren't cool with his position can come across as pressure and you wanting things your way. It sounds as if he needs time without him feeling that you are pressuring him or that you're unhappy with his position in the marriage at the moment.

A few other small bits of good news: H mentioned he found something he wanted for Xmas. I see this as a positive; it's setting expectations for gift giving.

I think that is a great sign.

At one point he leaned over to get his back rub. I continue to hold that this is good quality time together, but he says it's all superficial and has nothing to do with the way he feels about our R. I say that's a lot of hogwash, since if he hated me, that would not be happening.

I agree with you there too. It sounds as if he's trying to save face by not admitting how much he enjoys the back rubs. I do think my H took his time coming back to the R (last time) partly out of misplaced pride and partly because he really enjoyed being the one who held that sort of power in our R. He came closer as I dropped the rope.

Once again, all this is a good reminder to me of what has worked in my sitch before.

I see loads of positives in yours and wish you bucket-loads of patience.