Fighting against fears and nightmares

[angel61]

something I got from another piecer....some pearls of wisdom:

1) To forgive means to drop it and never bring it up again - ever!
2) Patience, our marriages will not fix themselves overnight.
3) Keep focusing on me, GAL, and being an individual - so that we dont focus on the troubeled M or the problems within it.
4) Make the neccessary changes that we as individuals need to make (no...blaming, accusing, put-downs, blowing up, yelling, crying, bringing up the past, or making sly remarks). Take responsibility for our parts in the break down instead of taking it out on your partner.
5) Keep your faith, hope, and pray for the restoration of our M's and for the salvation of our MLC spouses.
6) Look as good as you can, take pride in your appearance (it will help you feel good about yourself and it will help attract the MLCer to you again)
7) Let the Lords words and the Lords walk of life guide us on our journeys (stop being self righteous, and instead be kind and put yourself in thier shoes).
8) Stop the Jealousy (towards their new lifestyle, their new friends, new hobbies, and new attitudes). It is normal to feel jealous, but it is pathetic to show it. Instead - transform it into feul to fire you up about changing things you resent.
9) Think positively (especially about your spouse, the improvements they are making, and their desire to recommit to the M) also, in general - SMILE!!!
10) Still set goals and watch for baby steps. Then experiement and monitor the results - just like we were taught to do during thier time away. Now that they are back, you must keep this going in order to change the pre-existing troubled parts of your relationship.
11) Dont show insecurity, be confident and strong in our decisions. Our self esteem is pretty much shot after they leave us, and it is up to us to re-build it to overcome our weaknesess.
12) Speak in "I" statements, softly and calmly when you need to express hurts and pains. Dont bombard them with blame.
13) Watch out for certain situations that you know could send you into a fight, and prepare your self to avoid one by being the first to change. For example, I always let my emotions burst when it is that time of the month or when I have had a few too many drinks - so now I know that I need to be more cautious during these times not to let our progress slip away by being emotional.
14) Validate them, and listen well. You'd be amazed at how much you can learn by really listening.
15) Reward them when deserved. If they do things you like, show your appreciation in a way that they would like.
16) Give them thier needed time & space, as many MLC S's that return are still very confused and are adjusting to another change in their lifestyle. Leave them be if needed.
17) Do new and exciting things together, novelty is fun and will help you both grow.
18) Change the way you react to them when your angry. Most conflicts go in circles, be the first to change. Stop being defensive all the time, and take some blame and apologize when neccessary.
19) They will still test us during this time, they want to see if the changes they saw are just temporary or if they are permanent. So be aware, that sometimes they will still do or say things that seem very MLCish. Brush it off, and dont read into every word or action, and keep your changes going.
20) And most important, is to honor your spouse. Dont put them on the back burner -ever! Even if they seem to do it to you, it should not be your way of getting back at them. Make them feel how important you think they are. Love unconditionally.