He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Have you asked your H how he feels about his IC and MC? Does he think they are making him think? Does he think they are helping him work thru his feelings?

I have to be careful with questions like that. H gets defensive and he might interpret that as me wanting to know his business. We are not at that point just yet. He does like his IC so I find it best just to stay out of it.

How long has your H been on AD meds? I am on one now and have been on a few in the past and I have had several that just dull my emotions. Could that be something that's in play here?

That is entirely possible, but he needs the dulling. He has been on AD's on and off and I think he's better on them. H is highly emotional and needs help keeping that in check. People are wired differently - he is on one end of the spectrum and I am on the other, as we've come to find out. Therefore we have a hard time understanding each other's reactions. I think he's too sensitive and he thinks I am very insensitive. Probably both true.

Today's MC session was fruitful. I think, as Wendylon pointed out on my last thread, that H just needs to be heard. It is hard to do that - just hear someone without interjecting, especially when it's such a sensitive subject. So we focused on H talking and me listening. I think we are going to be there for a while. MC asked me if I was prepared to tolerate some limbo for a while and I told him I thought it was the only way out of this.

H states that he has never felt heard, especially around OM1. This is aside from the garden variety steamrolling, selfishness, nasty tone, shaming and general disregard for H's feelings. I guess I can see why H is not clamoring to get right back in the saddle at this point. Things just have not been good for a long time.

H also states that he has a fundamental distrust of me, that he thinks I have an "agenda." Not sure what he means by that or why, because I am not a game player.

One thing we do agree on though: neither one of us wants an acrimonious D, and neither one of us really wants to break up the family. So now we get into this question of "perspective" that I've been talking about with Crazyville on her thread. My perspective is that IF we don't want to break up the family, THEN the solution is to fix the M. H's perspective is that he doesn't want to break up the family, but isn't willing to commit to fixing the M. H's perspective is that nothing seems like a good option at this point. He is much less willing to jump in with both feet to try to repair the R, although we both want the same outcome - a loving relationship and intact family.

The MC said that at some point H may be ready to see my side of it, but not now, and so we're going to have to drop that part of it for the time being. He may never get there.

A few other small bits of good news: H mentioned he found something he wanted for Xmas. I see this as a positive; it's setting expectations for gift giving. H also finally started reading the book "After the Affair", which made him angry, and I knew it would stir some emotions in him, but I think it's good for him to get an additional point of view. Finally, we spent some time together watching TV last night. At one point he leaned over to get his back rub. I continue to hold that this is good quality time together, but he says it's all superficial and has nothing to do with the way he feels about our R. I say that's a lot of hogwash, since if he hated me, that would not be happening.