Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated

[AJM]

Sam4nh, don't you see what is really happening here? I mean really?

I read your post and the first thing I saw was that she wants to work on her. Her actions show that. But she also doesn't want to let go of you. Her actions show that too.

In other words, unless you do something to make it so, then it's not over. You have a tremendous amount of power in this relationship. She is like the kid who ran away from home - literally. She wants her "freedom" but doesn't want to run away too far so she can be back in time for dinner.

There's no telling what she wants to talk about, dude. But she is not ready to call it quits. You may be. Or you may just be hurt....

The telling sign she isn't done at the moment? She doesn't want you to tell friends and family what's going on. That's code for "give me time". To be blunt...

Believe me, you'll know when she is done and when you are done. There won't be any question or uncomfortable interactions. There won't be interactions at all most likely.

Don't beat yourself up for how you feel or act. You are who you are. But try to be patient with her. It may not work out like you want it to, but it is what she is telling you she needs right now. Time to give a bit, don't you think?



Peace,

AJ

[TSquared2]

Good stuff ^^^^^

[sam4nh]

Thanks I appreciate everyone’s input. I guess my struggle now is that my W seems to have started to cut me out. We have very limited communications. She now only texts me and this is very seldom. When she does the texts are very business-like. Maybe that's because I'm being to business-like and not showing much emotion??

We did have lunch and saw a movie on Friday. I have to say I was not in a good mood and it probably showed. I was not able to do the "as if" and "everything is fine" rules and she pointed out that I seemed very distant. Maybe because she seemed to be very “happy” and I’m NOT.

I felt like lying down and crying myself to sleep. I hate this process so much. I feel lost, betrayed, unloved and unsupported.

We have not talked about our relationship since before we went to Turkey. She said a lot of things that I'm not sure I believe, since they were something like she has some hope for our relationship. Her counselor told her not to talk to me about anything and let me focus on healing from my mom’s passing. I know I shouldn’t bring up our relationship or questions, but I really have no idea what she is thinking or where we stand. She did say something Friday about it was hard making decisions during the holidays. I did not validate this since I was not completely sure of what to say. She was asking me what my plans are for Christmas and I explained that I wanted to spend time with my dad.

What the heck do I do? I’m still reading DR/DB and feel that there is a lot of good information, but at the same time I want my W back. Yeah I get it, that it won’t be the same and I can accept this, but does it have to be so stinkin’ hard on my nerves?

Thanks!

[sam4nh]

One final note, when my W was asking aobut whether I told people about our situation (family/friends), she has now shifted her comments to "Do whatever you want, I don't really care who you tell". So now I'm a bit more confused on what her true thoughts are on this point.

[job]

sam,
If your wife is in crisis, you can rationalize w/her. She'll say one thing, and the next time around, she'll say something different. You've been trying to analyze her every comment and move and I hate to say this...you can't! Her emotions are all over the place and until she settles down and faces her demons, she's going to be like this. I understand your confusion, but you need to understand that nothing will make sense to you, and a rational person wouldn't be doing/saying some of the things she's been doing. BTW, she doesn't even know what her true thoughts are right now on the subject of telling people about the situation.

sam, keep the focus on you! Learn to accept your wife for who she is today because the woman you knew and loved pre-crisis has been taken over by the pod people and may not reappear for a very long time.

Again, keep the focus on YOU!

[AJM]

Confused? I can imagine
Her thoughts are what they are - at the moment she shares them with you. I can see how hard that is. I've lived it for years now.

Here's the thing. You have to focus on you and making you OK. Not with the situation, but in general. She may not come back, but she doesn't seem to want to move on either. Nobody knows why but her.

Until you can detach and make yourself OK, you'll spin like that.

Focus on you to the exclusion of everything else as much as you can. She has her own things to work on and she'll have to do them. Give her the space to do that. Kindly. Lovingly. For both of you.

Peace,
AJ

[sam4nh]

I'm may have just signed my own “D” sentence....My W texts me today that she wants to revisit our agreement for the money going into our joint account. Last we discussed this was around the time my mom passed away and her counselor said she should let me mourn and not worry about the document. I ignored her text initially as I wanted to review it again before I made any commitment to anything. She then texted me and asked me to call her as soon as possible. I waited about an hour and then called.

As soon as I got on the phone she immediately started that she wants to see a mediator and work out a legal separation. I reminded her that in our state, that a legal separation was essentially a divorce. She objected to that saying that I asked what brought this on. She said that she had talked to her counselor and she had suggested that we talk to a mediator since she felt that the agreement was not in her favor since she earned the bonus and stocks. She also has a lot of stocks that vest and a sizable bonus that would be put into our joint account this week. If we were still a couple this would not have been a question. She said, well if I want to buy something I have to come negotiate the purchase with you. Really, isn’t that what married couples do? I personally don’t think it’s in my favor.

She also threw out there, I don’t want to get your hopes up, but the mediator is also a counselor and sometimes when couples go through this they come the realization that a separation is not what either one really wants.

So after digging a little, I asked what brought on the immediate need to see a mediator. She finally said, “You put a public profile on match.com” One of her friends saw, immediately called her and said I was dating. Now I will say that she’s always said she would not date. I did not. Now just a note on the match.com profile, I did make a very clear statement that “My main goal for joining match.com is to make new friends.” I asked (and yes probably defended) that how asking to make friends was asking someone to date. She seemed to battle that statement a little and then calmed down somewhat. I also went on to explain that I had a status of “Currently Separated” (and noted that this was not something that I would think most people would jump at if they were looking for dating someone with a long term commitment. Too much baggage!) and I had not filled in anything about what I wanted in “My Date” section. I also said that instead of listening to her “friends” that she should trust me when I say I am trying to make new friends outside of our immediate group that would not judge her or want to constantly discuss our relationship status. She shot back that she does trust me and this just upset her a lot and if I could blindside her with match.com profile that I could also change the locks on the house and take all of the money she has earned. Not true that I would do that, but in her head she’s rationalized this as a fact. She also went onto say, that when people are separated they sometimes do things that is completely out of character. I’m sure this is true with all of the hurt that’s going on.

I also said which I meant, that I made a commitment to her and that I stood by my commitment and that has not changed. This is a true statement. I then said I would remove my profile which she was receptive to.

Was this wrong? Maybe??? She was extremely upset (and crying) that I had a profile no matter what it had on it. I did ask what the difference between her having profile on the site that she could at any point make public to date than mine looking for new friends. She was adamant that she only created her profile to see what I had on mine. I do believe that. She kept pointing out that she always said she would not date anyone. But then went on to say that she may in a month or three months she didn’t know what the future would bring.

After talking for a while, she seemed to calm down about the profile, especially once I said I would take it down. She had to go on a conference call and we left it at that we would sleep on it and when we both were calmer, we could discuss more about going to the mediator. Of course I should add she’s already made contact and tentatively scheduled the mediator for Saturday afternoon. Oh and she did make a point to say several times that we may choose to not make it a legal separation and we could just go with the agreement that we (or as she kep saying SHE) wrote up.

Ok, honesty time. I did not put the profile on match.com to date. My thought was that I need to move on and make new friends. If one of these friends in the future turns out to be someone that makes me think that I need to pursue a divorce and break my commitment, then I would deal with it if/when if the time came. I did get one women who wanted to make a connection and I was honest with her on my marriage status. I do not want to start a potential new friendship with lies or any hope that this would be something more than it could be at this time. Needless to say, she has not responded back, so I take that to mean that she wants more than I can offer.

So did I totally screw up...I'm going with, oh heck yes. I won't be surprised if she doesn't get on the phone with a lawyer tomorrow.

[sam4nh]

So to keep the honesty and full disclosure all around...I must tell everyone that I am in a same-sex marriage. We live in a state that recognizes our marriage. So not to confuse any of the facts when I say I was looking for a female friendship.

Another thing to note, is that same-sex couples have some of the same issues as hetrosexual couples when it comes to the monster of a MLCs.

[job]

I'm glad you were honest w/her. Unfortunately, I could see where she would interpret the profile on Match.com to be making a statement of "I'm interesting in dating right now". If you are trying to work on your marriage, you may want to reconsider how you are going about meeting new people. I don't think dating sites are the way to go right now.

Her comments about changing the locks, etc., sounds like projection on her part and she has a fear of you doing this to her. Maybe she's had other friends that may have had this happen to them...

I would pick myself up, dust myself off and continue moving forward. So you made a mistake, you've learned a hard lesson in the fact that nothing is secret and even if it was an innocent act, someone will turn it around to make it appear as something it's not. So, please be careful and rethink how you would like to meet new people ourside of your social circle for now.

[mizjjd]

I agree with Snodderly. There are sites more geared toward "friendships" - such as maybe meetup? You can join a group that shares your interests and it doesn't give off the same vibe as posting on a dating site.

Or maybe you could join a local gym or club (idk, reading, french poodles, what ever floats your boat).

Like AJM said, detach and focus on good-for-sam stuff. Because you have an interest in reuniting with your wife prob best to, for now, explore non-relationship areas.

Approach the mediator with an open mind, as a fact finding expedition. You will have a better idea where you stand legally - and knowledge is power.

Best of luck.