WAW/EA/MLC? Need a shoulder

[lostsoul13]

I was going to say going dark will be hard because we have 3 boys. The best I can do is co-parent and keep things like that. No dates, no talks about R, no helping (like husband type of things)

[lostsoul13]

Journaling

Helped my Friend (W), pack today. Probably shouldn't help but at the same time felt it was good to help as part of my healing process.

Afterwards, she thanked me. She told me, it must be tough to help her.....wanted to say no $$#%@a. But told her, your welcome.

As we were driving to visit a friend who just had a baby, I thought about our children, when they where born. I tested up, couldn't let my Friend know. For 10 minutes, remained silence and avoided looking or talking. I didn't care if she heard me, but for that brief minute, I couldn't hold it in.

Only 2 days till she signs the lease...

The other day, she told me, she could stop talking to me to make it easier for me.....WAS... I swear, no clue, no matter what they did or try to do, our heart was damaged. We LBS will have great pain regardless if they avoid us or don't...

I told her, do what you need to do and stop worrying about me.

I started to mentally take her pity as encouragement to DB and GAL harder. I am going to make someone happy in the future, I can promise myself that...

Bring on Christmas and New Years!!!! May as well deal with all these holidays sooner than later.

I been reading many positive threads about going dark...figure I done enough in the last month to show her a taste of the new me. When I go dark, she will need a spotlight to find me

[lostsoul13]

Journaling

Only 1 more day....The Inlaws are leaving and W is signing the Lease.

I know i should feel worse and I am wondering if I am that much detached? Or I am in Denial still? Or maybe because i know the DB, 180 and GAL are going to be positive for my R.

I know we shouldn't talk about the OM but I wonder what kind of person is willing to help destory a marriage or encourage it to happen. I don't know what they talk about but i do know this OM is single (never been married, no long term relationships). I wonder what kind of human being is capable of doing this. Ya i know the easy answer is selfish bastard, scum, etc. Makes me feel i should be doing something but I know i will just make it worse.

I still have a final question for myself. I still haven't discussed how exactly i want to handle the kids. Originally i didn't want her to visit M-F because it didn't seem stable for the kids (where she comes home from work, cooks, plays and then leaves at night). I thought that would be confusing for the kids. I figure, if we are truly going to be divorced, this scenerio wouldn't happen. I want her to feel, what it will be like with me going dark and having 50/50 custody of the kids. Right now, her moving out is just basically sleeping in a different room at night.

As for my W current mood about our R. All i can say is my W is soooo confused by what love is. Besides the physical signs of affection, she treats me with kindness. Buying me stuff i need, getting my food during dinner/lunch, asking me to go out or going out when i ask her, letting me physically give her massages(testing the waters) and being receiptive of my kindness (she thanks me, which she rarely did). In the past, she couldn't trust me with 3 kids, but now she is totally comfortable with me taking care of the 3 kids.

I could accept this R as a work in progress, it actually feels good. She mentioned she hasn't been this happy in a long time. Of course, she could mean her decision to move out.

What I wouldn't pay for a mind reading machine or a mind De-Fog machine

[ForeverYoung]

Considering all you have been going through it sounds like you are doing well for yourself LS. Your posts show strength and hope.

Where's the D process at presently?

The happiness she's jumping on is only short term, I believe. She will look back and regret trashing you and your family one day.

If you find that De'fogging machine I'd sure like to borrow it when you're finished with it.

[Am I Too Late]

I did better when my W moved out, without any notice, 9 1/2 months ago than i have been doing since she 1st got back in touch to schedule some visits with our S-9.

She went 97 days over S's summer vacation with only 1 visit and phone call to our S. I did better with the minimal contact.

Ed

[lostsoul13]

Considering all you have been going through it sounds like you are doing well for yourself LS. Your posts show strength and hope.

Where's the D process at presently?

The happiness she's jumping on is only short term, I believe. She will look back and regret trashing you and your family one day.

If you find that De'fogging machine I'd sure like to borrow it when you're finished with it.

The D process is filed, she asked me to not sign it. Of course i was the one who brought up the D..I am debating if i should just sign it at the end of the 6 months or wait for her to sign it 1st. I am thinking, if things are going well, i need to sign it, to show her that I am moving on and I can't keep waiting for ever.

As for her happiness, she isn't having it right now because everybody is against her (except for her friends (new good friends). She is in a really bad mood and can't sleep because of her actions. But i think she is determined to ride it out because she thinks the OM is worth it or she thinks she really doesn't love me. All i know is my bounderies on the OM are "if he moves up" or "Physical sex" for me it will be over and I won't wait. I may slide on the Physical side..but knowing me, i am not sure i can get it over (weird because emotional affair i think is more damaging)

If i find that De'fogging machine...i will be sure to let you borrow it 1st

[lostsoul13]

I did better when my W moved out, without any notice, 9 1/2 months ago than i have been doing since she 1st got back in touch to schedule some visits with our S-9.

She went 97 days over S's summer vacation with only 1 visit and phone call to our S. I did better with the minimal contact.

Ed

ED thanks for your thoughts. I am pretty detached right now. In my stich with her moving it, i will still be seeing her every day....I guess a blessing for others but for me, i really want to go dark. I want her to know what it feels like and if she can live with it, then we go our seperate ways.

[Am I Too Late]

I did better when my W moved out, without any notice, 9 1/2 months ago than i have been doing since she 1st got back in touch to schedule some visits with our S-9.

She went 97 days over S's summer vacation with only 1 visit and phone call to our S. I did better with the minimal contact.

Ed

ED thanks for your ton houghts. I am pretty detached right now. In my stich with her moving it, i will still be seeing her every day....I guess a blessing for others but for me, i really want to go dark. I want her to know what it feels like and if she can live with it, then we go our seperate ways.

I think you are right. She needs to feel the repercussions of what a D will feel like. In my own case, my W is following in the footsteps of how she was raised in an alcoholic and crack addicted divorced mother, who placed my W in the care of others repeatedly up until my W turned 12 and decided to move back to Parent the 2 younger children when her mom was in her worst addictive state.

So, my W's upbringing and parental influence did not model missing your family and children. Yours should show different results weighing on her conscience. They need to feel the consequences like a sledge hammer blow to shock them back into reality.

Ed

[lostsoul13]

I read your stich ED and your situation is tough because it seems like your W is also abandoning her child. I guess based on your last statement, some of her habits is based on past life.

My W, in her Fog, thinks the kids will be okay. She told me this early during the Bomb. Tried to bring up examples of other family members or kids who grew up in a split family. I tried pointing out issues and she brushed it away. What she doesn't realize is, this is "OUR" kids and her actions will have effects. For example, in the 1st 2 months, she was spending alot of time talking to him on the phone, coming home late, etc....All this impacts the time she was spending with her kids. The guy lives far away. If he was closer, she would barely be spending time with the kids. The kids will eventually connect the dots.

I know we shouldn't stay married for the kids and I don't want a loveless marriage either. But i do believe we did marry because we were in love and we simply got caught up with life's challenges and failed to met each other needs. I know i can fill her lovebucket again.

Things that are positve about our R
-No verbally/physically abuse
-No Controlling behavior (she can go out anytime)
-We go on alot of vacations, we can afford to buy alot of stuff (she does most of the buying)
-No drugs/drinking issues
-Clean environment/Clean house
-We both make good money
-3 awesome Boys


What failed the R
-Lack of communication to our needs
-Married young (at least her)
-I didn't do the little things with love, took it for granted. -Like get off the phone, cleaning dishes, leaving my cup arounnd
-Lack of education on love (She wants to feel in love 100% of the time). She refers my love as "Family Love", but isn't that one of the best kinds of love???
-I wasn't the best dad, but nor was i the worst dad (Fog)
-My lack of awareness to make this relationship 50/50. There was times, i just want to go come home and relax. While i relaxed, she cooked and cleaned after working. I failed to realize we are both tired all the time.
-Lack of undivided attention to each other

Many of the negatives, I have already addressed by DB, 180, and GAL.....

But the problem right now is with Her. She needs to have self-awareness, she needs to live a life of hardship to appreciate what she had. She needs to know love isn't always about "Romance" and its not just always there. You need to work on "being" in love.

I know i spoiled her...and I have to let her go but before i do that my game plan is to give her happy times right before i go dark. I want to go Dark with her having good memories about us. I think I am at that point because lately we have been getting along better but i know as long as that OM is in her head (what if), she won't come back.

So i am anxious to have her move out (hence why i am helping). To allow her to experience life without our home. But then disconnect myself from her, so she might remember me for who I was, what I did and who i can become.

Ya i am scared...that my game plan will be pushing her to experience this too soon or too fast but I also don't want to wait around for 1-2 years for her to finally get it. Life doesn't stop.

[littleGTO]

What is your current game plan for her seeing the kids?

I struggle w this b/c my H moved out 3 weeks ago & has been at our house every day including almost the whole days on the weekends. I know this is GOOD for my boys but it doesn't give him a reality check of what life will be like down the line if OW is in picture.

Would like to know your thoughts.