D16 has been acting depressed lately, so last night I asked her why she is upset. She said she doesn’t want W and me talking to her about our sitch, that it upsets her. I told her the only reason I talk to her is because when I went through this with my parents they never told me anything and that was the most frustrating thing for me- not knowing what was going on. So I’ve tried to keep her informed as best I can.
I then asked her what W has been telling her. She said she asked W why she’s putting them (the kids) through all this misery, why she’s so adamant about leaving me. W said she doesn’t know why exactly, but that she feels like I haven’t changed (more on this below). D16 asked her if I haven’t changed, if I’m the same person she married and I’m still that person, then why did she marry me in the first place and stay married to me for 20 years? W didn’t have an answer.
So anyway, I told D16 that I would not talk to her anymore about it. I told her that I wanted her to know that there was no hope of reconciliation and I didn’t want her to think that there was, and that W and I would sit down after the first of the year and work out the details on the divorce. She actually seemed relieved to know that there was closure on the way.
So after that I went to the back patio and called W, told her how upset D16 was and that she said was upset about us talking to her about our R. I told W that I was just trying to keep her informed since my parents didn’t do that for me and I thought it would be helpful, but I was going to stop since it was upsetting her. I suggested W stop talking to her about it as well.
W told me that it was actually D16 that was initiating the conversations with her. D16 woke her up at 4 am telling her she wanted to talk about it because she couldn’t sleep. That’s when she asked her the questions about why she didn’t love my anymore. W admitted she was half asleep and didn't really remember much of the convo. So brace yourselves, because I dropped the D bomb on my W. I told her that I told D16 we would sit down after the first of the year and work out the D, and I also told her how I had explained to D16 that the M was over and there was no hope of reconciliation. W said “you told her that tonight?” I said “yes”. Then I told her “This is very hard on the kids, anyone who tells you that kids will be fine in something like this doesn’t know what they’re talking about. I went through it and you know I’ve always said it was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life right up until this. It will affect them deeply, and affect them for life. But what is important is that you are happy, and that we continue to support the kids as best we can and help them through this. You are happy, right?”
At that point W started crying (and she continued to do so through the rest of the conversation). I asked her what was wrong and she said she doesn’t know. I let that hang in the air for a while and then asked her to tell me what she was feeling. She said “I don’t know, I’m really confused. I just don’t know what I want.” I told her I understood why she felt that way. I asked her if moving out had helped her any, if she was less confused now then she was when she moved out. She said “I’m just as confused now as I was before I moved out.” She asked me how I was, but I turned it back to her to try and get her to express her emotions more. We talked more about her confusion, and about how she’s not finding the happiness she thought she would when she moved out. I borrowed some lines from “The Happiness Trap” and told her the pursuit of happiness is Hollywood fiction, that happiness is just one of many emotions we experience and none of us should ever expect to be happy all day every day. We should instead strive for contentment, we can be content regardless of what emotions we’re experiencing. However, I did say that she should strive to find things that would make her more happy and that I felt that while we always spent lots of family time together with the kids that she didn't do enough for herself and that was part of the problem. I told her that she should seek and find things that make her happy, whether that be painting, sculpting, dancing, whatever. That she needed to get out and try different things to see what appeals to her.
I asked her if she wanted me to come over to talk some more and she said “No, not the way I am right now.” She again asked me how I was so I answered this time. I told her that things were rough for me at first, but now I am happy, content and doing really well. I told her that I’ve even adapted to not having the kids every other week and actually enjoy the time to do things for me. I told her that right now I am still interested in reconciling, but I will be great whether we reconcile or not, I am OK with whatever happens. I told her that I had really taken everything she said to heart and worked hard on making myself better. She said “I know you have”. I said “at first I did it for you, but then I realized I needed to do it to make myself a better person, so I started doing it for myself.” I then said (thinking about D16’s comment above) “Is there anything else you think I should change, I’m not asking for you but for me, when you look at me is there anything you think ‘I sure wish he’d change that about himself’” and she said “no, nothing”.
I then said “What do you want me to do, do you want me to give you more time, to wait for you?” and she responded “I can’t tell you what to do”. I said “No, but you can tell me what you WANT me to do and I can decide whether to honor it or not.”
I asked her if she was sure she didn’t want me to come over (it was pretty late, 10:00, and a school night) and she said “no, but I want to talk more later this week.” I told her “OK, I love you.” Matter of fact. Not soft and mushy. That’s the first time I’ve told her ILY in months. She half-mumbled and half-cried something back that may have been “I love you too” or “stick a cattle prod up your butt”, I have no idea. So rather than look stupid and say “could you repeat that” (because if it was the cattle prod thing, I wouldn’t want to hear it twice) I just said “bye” and hung up.
Often people talk about how calm and collected their WAS is and they don’t understand how they can be that way. I always respond “they may look that way on the outside, but inside they’re confused and in turmoil”. So here is proof from my own sitch. It’s been nearly 6 months since BD and my W has acted calm, cool and collected the entire time. She’s appeared confident in her decision to leave me. Yet now she admits that not only is she confused, but she is just as confused now as ever. Leaving did not bring her the clarity she expected.
Why is she confused? Well it’s a bit of mind-reading maybe, but I think it’s because of DB’ing. She left a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore. She sees this person I’ve become and realizes we could have a great R, but at the same time she’s afraid if she comes back then things will go back to what they were before. She still needs more time and space to sort it out.
