Heather, I'm sorry he's still in poor me/blame mode, but he's going to be like that for some time. He's trying to convince not only himself, but the world, that he's doing the right thing. Truth is...everyone knows you and knows that you aren't the demonized person he is making you out to be. In fact, him taking the ow around and if she's trashy in all areas of her life, well...that says it all. I know it's hard not to let his comments to others get to you, but it's bs...don't allow it to bring you down. Hold your head up high, back straight and continue being the wonderful person that you are. Actions speak louder than words and yes, silence is golden too. By carrying on just as you have been says a lot to others and they respect you for who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. He, on the other hand, is yapping away and that gets old very soon.
Yes, he has drained so much from your life and the life of the children, especially during his crisis. That's why it is important to detach and keep the focus on you and your children. If he can draw you into his web of BS, he will take you down into the rabbit hole. Stay strong, stay positive...it's important.
I'm glad you visited w/your SIL and family. At least they had the right attitude and didn't not ask questions about the situation. That makes it a bit more safer and pleasant for you because it's not up in your face.
He sure likes to text you...doesn't he. I could come up w/a few choice words for that text this morning.
Enjoy your day and know that you are going to be okay. It just takes some time to feel better about the situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's really hard for me to think this is even the same person I lived with for 20 plus years.
Someone please remind me that he is in pain right and now and this isn't the essence of who he is. How can someone behave so badly and not be a bad person?
Struggling with this today. He has behaved like a genuinely mean and nasty person. So, how can he not be a genuinely mean and nasty person?
Hard for my brain to wrap around.
I think the OW must be really harsh and insensitive. That would be the opposite of me for sure. I'm too much the other way.
Whatever, back to teaching now.
Thanks Snodderly for the kind words. It helps.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm sorry for your pain right now. You have the same thoughts that I do, how can this man be the guy I loved, had kids with, and now be this mean, unfriendly,rude, irresponsible a$$hole.
I get the privalage of knowing the OW that most do not. She is a very mean person, she feels entitled to whatever she wants, like the world "owes her" shes a very bad mother and always the victim so I can definatly see that she is rubbing off on my H.
When he was with OW#1, she was accomplished, worldly ect...and he started drinking wine for the first time EVER so I really think they adapt to whomever they are with. Now with OW#2 shes a stripper/welfare abuser and hes back to beer and dressing like hes a 20 yr old but cheap looking. I think your H's OW is probably much the same, But I have to believe that nothing good will come out of their lives.
I read something on FB the other day it said something like "In years to come a pretty face will age, a nice body will not look the same, buta good woman will always be a good woman" Just a thought.
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
I was just saying how H is such a chameleon! Known him since we were kids and he's always been that way. I can remember a time when he was more himself--in high school. Unfortunately, his parents squashed it every time. H was the kinda kid who would say and do the wrong thing ALWYS! His dad was a politician and they would cringe anytime he opened his mouth. Eventually, he just stopped being himself. It was easier to be what they wanted--but came with a price. It is sad.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, And the price for being the person they wanted...MLC!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The price for being the person they always wanted is MLC!
This struck a cord with me. It just dawned on me that XH was somewhat like Lois's H, though completely different lifestyles it seems. It doesn't sound like you H had a voice Lois. Especially if his father was a politician... oh boy howdy! That's tough!
XH had a controlling stepfather that controlled choices XH should've been able to make himself and encouraged as a young man! Like what electives he wanted to take in high school! Xh also wanted to joing the Marine Corps, but MIL threw a kiniption fit! She didn't want her baby going to war so he begged him to go to college, and she would pay for it. XH agreed BUT HE NEVER WANTE TO GO. So he drank, and flunked out of criminology class. He later told me he never wanted to be there in the fist place but his mother begged him so he gave in.
Xh said to me with heavy regret a few years ago if he had joined the Marines he could've been retired by now and could pursue his other passion which would be computer programming. I remember encouraging him to do so anyway, but to him he just had this defeated attitude of " it's too late".
Lands sakes alive all these pieces just keep falling into place with each passing day.
My H's dad (adopted) was a politician and still worries constantly what others think. My MIL was incredibly controlling and full of anxiety so she always corrected and prodded and pushed H into doing things HER way. They both went wayyyyyyy over the limits when it came to MAKING their son BE who THEY thought HE should be.
My H was adopted and looked completely different from the rest of the family. BUT, they never told him until he was 13. Can you imagine being the odd-man out for 13 years? He was always painfully honest and the kinda kid who would tell people stuff that was inappropriate but he didn't see it.
H's biological dad was MIL's college sweetheart. He got her pregnant. Not sure they ever married and then he split when H was two. He lived, for 40 plus years, 10 minutes away from H, but never saw him. Just shut H out of his life, completely.
MIL, IMHO, really loved the biological dad and it broke her heart when he left. H is a dead-ringer for his real dad. So, off and on as H grew up, she would comment on how handsome H was and say things like "he has such a cute butt." REALLY weird. Anyway, I always thought it musta been ridiculously hard on H and FIL to have this constant reminder of this "shameful" situation from the past. AND H WAS the Shameful reminder. Ick.
sad and ick.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Told him I thought his comments to our mutual friend were mean.
He said "I'm sorry" and then asked what the mutual friend said that H said...
I responded...
"This isn't about what he said, it's about U and what U are continuing to put us all through because of UR unhappiness with YOU. and I'm sick of taking the brunt of it and I'm sick of I'm sorrys without action."
"Go ahead and go work out whatever insanity this is, BUT leave me out of it, unless U r willing to take some responsibility for ur life and actions-stop wasting my time."
May just leave it at that-for now. It's how I feel. Tired of being his punching bag. It's not OK.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I knew you were itching to let him have it about the neighbors. Now that you have gotten that off your chest, let things settle down. Give it a rest and turn your focus back on to you and your children.
Now, what is on your agenda for the week?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
