New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

I have confirmed that OW is living with H. I asked Wednesday if DD was ever going to get to spend the night at his place. He responded, finally, that he didn't care, but he doesn't have a bed set up for her and that he didn't think I wanted her around OW. I had three words of response and they weren't nice. I did end up telling him he has ruined mine and DD's holiday's 2012, that it wasn't going to be the biggest christmas ever, but at least we would have been together and now we wouldn't even have that. He responded, "so you don't want me to come over tomorrow morning"? (DD wanted him to come eat with us Thanksgiving) I said, No, I didn't, but it would break DD's heart if he didn't come.

It has been a hard holiday and I dread Christmas already. My company Christmas party is Friday night, spouses invited of course. Then around Christmas, we always go out with friends to celebrate and all are married. I'll miss it. I doubt I'll be ready. It will hurt my feelings if I'm not invited, but I just don't think I could go this year. Then Christmas Eve we always go out to eat with my parents, have been doing it for 22 years. It's part of our Christmas present and then back to my parents to do Christmas eve present (pj's). I'm just not sure I can fake it enough to have a good Christmas.

DD and I did have a long talk coming home from H's Dad's house Saturday. I told her about OW living with H. That I think she is a recoving addict (DD said how do you know she's still not using - I said I don't which is why I don't want you around her - she said I'd be more worried about what I'd say to her!) I told her I didn't know how this would end, but that I'm giving him time. That I wasn't ready to do anything yet. I told her she could talk to H anytime and she said she was afraid of what she might say to him - she's afraid she'd cuss him and that would be bad. I told her that he's still her dad, he loves her and she should love him, but it's okay to be angry with him. I am! She said she does love him, but he's douche bag! (HAHA).

I snooped alittle yesterday morning looking for some lost money and found where on OUR anniversary he bought flowers and they didn't come to me. Not only did he talk to her more than me on our 21st anniversary, he bought HER flowers. Then 10 days later they went on a shopping spree in a town about 45 min north of us. Bath & Body Works, Goody's, Hibbitt Sports, Lunch.... so when he came by the house to share his deer meat, I basically ignored him. I said maybe 5 words and went to the basement to put up small Christmas tree. He yelled down and asked if I needed any help carrying anything up. I said no, I got it. And then he left.

I did ask him last night via text he would be willing to sit down and talk, when I was ready. He said he guess. I said thanks for being willing. From there the convo went down hill somewhat. He said he wouldn't listen to a b*tch session, he'd get up and leave. I said it wouldn't be, I promise. He just kept saying he wouldn't listen to it, what has happended has happened. Maybe it's a mistake, but I think in order for me to start healing, I need answers. And call me stupid, but I think after 21 years he owes it to me to sit down and talk about his feelings and what went wrong in our marriage. He has had "over a year" (according to him to think about this), but I haven't and I need to understand. He obiviously thinks life with OW is going to be great (although we all know it won't be) but for me I need to start someplace and this seems like a good place .... maybe its wrong and I'm not going to do anything or talk to him till I see a marriage counselor, but at least he is willing to talk as long as I don't b*tch! (See he is still trying to control the situtation - I like that I have a little bit of the upperhand with the divorce papers .. I just need to feel a little bit of control)

OH YEAH! Not only did I find out about OW living with him Wednesday, I found out that he lied and had bought a TV - he told me someone gave him one. So I left him a nice/upbeat voicemail that said I think since he can afford a 40 inc Sony HDTV, he could give me the $800 he owed me. When he got to the house, I told him that I was turning his cell phone off end of the month and cancelling his truck insurance, he wanted this, he need to learn to deal with it all. He said he was paying $22 a month for the TV. I said sorry, he wanted this, wants to shack up with w**ore than he can pay the price. (And this advice comes from his cousin (they grew up like brothers), he said cut him off and don't be naive, the money is coming from someplace. Cousin said reality hasn't hit H yet.) I took care of the bills, worried/stressed about paying stuff and making big purchaes, he's always let everyone take care of it for him. And after he got hurt and I knew he was stressed about that, I kept even more from him not wanting to make things worse for him. And to keep him from being dissapointed in me. (Yes, I know that was wrong, but at the time I thought it would be better)

I think I've hit the serious grieving stage, mixed with a lot of anger. But I'm trying to keep my anger in check and be the bigger person. H is making a fool of himself living as a married man with OW, so why should I stoop to his level.

And oh yea, SBC, thanks for the response. I do agree that at least H didn't cheat on me for months and months (only 2 1/2 months) but it is still inexusable - anytime someone cheats, it's a choice they don't have to make, therefore, inexusable.