Thanksgiving wasn't our traditional holiday but even with the current situation it was one of my favorite ones. We got up early and met some friends at the parade. None of us had ever been to a real parade and we had a blast seeing the balloons and floats. Kids had fun playing and W and I had some laughs. Weather was nice so we went home and put up outside decorations (well I did but they all played and cheered me on which was fun, I'm usually out there by myself freezing to death). After that we went to see a movie. We then went home and W and I finished cooking the meal together and we had a nice family dinner. No tense or odd moments and everyone had fun with no expectations.
W had to work 12 hour shift Friday so kids and I hung out, played, and ran some errands. Just about dinner time phone rings and it's wife from work, I was surprised because she hasn't been calling from work lately. She asked if we had dinner plans. She wanted to meet us for dinner so we drove towards her work and had dinner. Kids were being pretty goofy so we were laughing the entire time.
Saturday was toughest day for me but still a good one. I opened bills in the morning while having coffee and saw wife's lawyer retainer fee. Glad my lawyer is a friend . Anyway, for whatever reason that brought me down a little and back to the real world. Probably good though because I have a tendency to think things are improving faster then they are and this reminded me to slow down and just enjoy the moment for what it is. The plan was to put the tree up and decorate it but I knew my head wasn't in it then and I wanted to make sure we had fun. I brought everything up from basement and then asked if everyone wanted to go to gym. It's usually a fun family thing we do so they agreed. Wife was ok with it also because she seemed a little sore so hot tub was calling her name. I pushed myself pretty hard and got out all the pity party emotions I was feeling. We picked up kids from daycare area and went swimming and had fun. Had lunch and then put up tree. This was first year I didn't just rush to get it done, I sat back and enjoyed it and took a few seconds to remember a lot of the good times. I think this helped everyone have more fun because in past I had a tendency to get grumpy because it was taking so long (I really don't like the old me now that I see what I was). We went out to dinner as family but we were all pretty tired. My back was hurting and after kids went to bed wife offered to give me back rub, I was very surprised. It felt good and rather then trying to pursue anything more, like I surely would have in past which likely would have ticked her off, I just said thanks after a few minutes and we headed to bed. During night wife snuggled up against me while sleeping.
Sunday was another good family day. Went to church and sermon was all about forgiveness. Pastor really hit it hard and kept asking why we feel we should be forgiven when we can't forgive other people... Made me realize I still have some forgiveness to give to her that I've been holding from long ago. I prayed God would help me with that and vowed to do everything I can to fully forgive her and move on. He also pretty much quoted many of W's excuses for not being able to forgive my past wrongs. We didn't talk about service afterwards but I did see her wipe her eyes a couple times so thinking it might have gotten to her. After church went shopping and I wasn't in my normal guy "I hate to shop" mode. I was engaged and actually helped in every store. Got kids to bed and wife asked if I would make us some tea and we watched TV. We used to drink tea every night and hadn't done it in months so thought that was a baby step. Went to bed on our own sides but when I woke up in middle of night we were both in middle of bed snuggling. (I swear I'm turning into a girl with all this emotion and snuggling talk, who knew I had this many feelings. I'm scared if I ever see a date movie again I might start crying).
So all in all had a really good family weekend. No fights or even weird moments. I didn't do anything stupid, didn't bring up R, and didn't show any expectations or neediness. Best part was it wasn't that hard, I was just being myself (well the new me). It made me hopeful but I tried to keep my expectations in check and just 'enjoy the moment'. I know there is still a LONG way to go. The weekend didn't help the detaching though... When I'm alone journaling and being honest with myself the hardest part for me is having patience and my stupid need for reassurance. It's obvious it was a good weekend but a part of me keeps thinking was she just trying to get through weekend and nothing has changed. Wish I knew if needle was moving at all with us. I know for sure my 180's are helping me because in the past many of these activities would have been a bother for me and had me aggravated and this time I had a really good time. Now that I think about it I guess what's really important is that I'm improving. The rest will work itself out.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
. Anyway, for whatever reason that brought me down a little and back to the real world. Probably good though because I have a tendency to think things are improving faster then they are and this reminded me to slow down and just enjoy the moment for what it is. The plan was to put the tree up and decorate it but I knew my head wasn't in it then and I wanted to make sure we had fun. I brought everything up from basement and then asked if everyone wanted to go to gym. It's usually a fun family thing we do so they agreed. Wife was ok with it also because she seemed a little sore so hot tub was calling her name. I pushed myself pretty hard and got out all the pity party emotions I was feeling. We picked up kids from daycare area and went swimming and had fun. Had lunch and then put up tree. This was first year I didn't just rush to get it done, I sat back and enjoyed it and took a few seconds to remember a lot of the good times. I think this helped everyone have more fun because in past I had a tendency to get grumpy because it was taking so long (I really don't like the old me now that I see what I was). We went out to dinner as family but we were all pretty tired. My back was hurting and after kids went to bed wife offered to give me back rub, I was very surprised. It felt good and rather then trying to pursue anything more, like I surely would have in past which likely would have ticked her off, I just said thanks after a few minutes and we headed to bed. During night wife snuggled up against me while sleeping.
