Welcome to catch-22

[25yearsmlc]

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU READ MY POST THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH, (and it took a lot of MY time to post it to you....)

I THINK YOU STOPPED READING IT B/C YOU DIDN'T LIKE WHAT IT SAID...

I want to get your attention.

YOU RESIST our words too much. You are not taking in what we say to you.

You'll never win her back with your present attitude.

I wondered if I was too harsh with you earlier, but no one seemed to get through...but even my direct blunt approach did NOT get through to you...

I fear that you have the disease of "needing to be right", which means

your priority -is that BEING "RIGHT" IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING HAPPY (OR MARRIED...)

Also, Why didn't you answer the questions I posted in my previous lengthy time consuming post?

I asked you a lot of things and if you won't answer those questions, you may as well accept the divorce as final.

My friends,
The thing on self-righteousness is right on. I'm guilty of it. But a wise man knows when he should be humble and accept correction. I will do my best to get rid of it. And selfishness too. Guilty big time.

How will you do this^^? It's a CHALLENGE that requires time and effort and a PLAN of action....are you seeing an individual counselor yet?

Are you familiar with the phrase, "Dig Deeper"?




As for my attitude towards W, I said I was sorry, I have written letters asking for forgiveness for very precise things, I showed remorse and a change in my attitude. But that's probably not enough I suppose.

If it were enough, it would have happened... words alone are never enough and that's all you have done.

(I asked you what you have DONE to change in my previous post and since you ignored that question, I assume "nothing" is the answer...what else can I assume?)

Today was my "visit" day, and the library was closing doors, and I proposed we went somewhere else, and W says : "there's only half hour left anyway". Ouch, I clearly feel she doesn't enjoy spending time with me. (Needless to say, she came with her mum to supervise).

How do you treat her so that she can enjoy time with you? Compare how you treated her before, when she felt ignored and you sulked and didn't help her, with how you are treating her now...

is there anything difference in how you behave towards her or her family or your son?


All of this is about to change. She's in for a surprise tomorrow, when they receive the counter petition from my lawyer asking for my son every other week.
I don't mean it in a malign way. It's just that she really is convinced she has the right to have our son all for herself!

As others have said, that's probably b/c she DID have all the WORK/CARE FOR HIM to herself while you were together

and she didn't notice much difference when you got there...and since you have so far, accepted such low visitation, she won't notice a difference til it happens.

Maybe if you had chosen to fight for time with him BEFORE NOW, she might have thought you were "entitled" to some time with him...

but come on Bruce, you had her doing all the child care before AND YET You played the victim for not giving you attention, all at the same time.

You still do play the victim. How can you not see that in your tone HERE?


I know this sounds crazy, and you probably think I am exaggerating, but she does think she's doing my a favour by granting me two visits a week!

Does not sound crazy. I don't think you are exaggerating.

She's inconvenienced by it, there's a change in son's schedule, which is a drag for him and her, and he barely knows you if he's only 19 months and you missed the last 1/3 of his life, and weren't around helping much the first year...

and since I asked you if you had ever cared for the boy alone OR over night and you did not answer, I assume the answer is no. SO she's probably worried for his well being too.


This coming week, I really have to focus on responding gently and calmly. No anger, no bitterness, just a husband who loves his child.

YES^^^^ you must, so don't anticipate all the negatives you are thinking she'll show.

Read the DR book again and again. One thing they mention doing is to hope for the best of our spouse, and give them something to live UP TO, not down to...

that does not mean to have "expectations" so much as to NOT negatively project,

b/c if you do that, you'll radiate defensiveness like you are ready to pounce on her and fight her--and she'll feel the same and it often escalates fast and things get scrambled...

and I get that vibe from your tone here anyhow. You SAY you want to be calm and you SAY you are not a victim - but your own words later betray the opposite.


W will be furious, mad and sore angry. I'm NOT trying to force respect on anyone,

that's^^ good, b/c it's impossible to FORCE respect on someone...fyi


but I think that I gave several opportunities for her to make a step in my direction,

WHEN?
What have you DONE to show her you are not going to bully or criticize her or take her for granted again? What steps did you expect her to take, and why?

What have you DONE to show generosity and less self centeredness???



and she has to realize that her own choices lead to the explosion of our family.

so, YOU did not play a role in her emotions? Nothing you did, no choices YOU made, lead to any of this? Wow, so it's ALL HER FAULT??

Why'd you ever apologize to her then??

My concern is you just WON'T get it in time...b/c you are so resistant to having been wrong in a big important way.




So far, she didn't feel ANY of the consequences of her choice to separate.


well she has not been around YOU - so if she missed you, or if son did, then that would be a consequence, right?

Or are you admitting she sees your absence as an advantage? And why would that be?

I am not the victim, but

STOP!

Whenever someone starts a sentence with a clause, and then uses the word "BUT", it negates the whole first clause....so what you really mean to say is

I AM A VICTIM...(but you don't want to say it again b/c it's frowned upon here.)

and the comments that follow this are what came after your "but", which are all about how you ARE a victim--


nobody was at the airport when I arrived in the country, I slept in a youth hostel while looking for a place to rent, walked miles by foot to sort my several documents and buy food, English is not my language and I struggled, while she had a house, a car, friends and family here.

Is your point that you were not welcomed there? Well Bruce, now think hard. I'm not being sarcastic...but tell me,

Why would she AND HER FAMILY - Not feel like meeting you at the airport OR welcoming you there?

When You arrived in country, what did you think would happen? When did she tell you she wanted out of the marriage?

Why did you expect a warmer welcome? I'm sincerely asking.

Why were you surprised by this cold reception?

Tell us what SHE WOULD SAY the reasons are...be as specific as possible.


W stopped attending church (of course, living in sin doesn't go well together),


Wow....so what's that part about YOU wanting to learn humility again? B/c this statement ^^ is NOT a humble statement.

IT's MORE self righteousness and more condemnation and it's not a loving message at all....(AND a man who condemns his wife is NOT going to attract her back to him)

& Excuse me but

HOW is SHE living in sin? Plus, maybe she's going elsewhere to church and doesn't want to run into you.

OR maybe she thinks you use religion to manipulate & bully, which of course would be a warping of Christ's message.

Speaking of Christianity and marriage and the role of the h,

were You the spiritual leader of the family who modelled Christ's love for his church, by putting your wife's needs ahead of yours?



she rarely smiles, she changed lots. She's not the cheerful girl I knew back in France. What happened?

she's not smiling around you I guess. If it's regret on her end, you'll know. If it's your company she does not like, then you have to ask yourself why that is.

You already said (above) it's clear she does not want to be around you

so hence the short visits and never being alone with you.

Bruce, dig deeper and be WAY more honest & self aware, at least w/yourself.

We have all struggled with some deeply frightening inner flaws.

We have all had to DO SOME BRAVE INWARD SEARCHING...

Why is your wife acting as if you were a lousy h who hurt her a lot,

if you were not?