Hello. I'm new here. Three months ago, after almost a year of tension, and sexual distance for most of marriage, my wife kicked me out of the house. And immediately filed for divorce.
I take responsibility for the sexual distance - baggage I never shed from previous relationships. I've also come to realize that my fear of failure led to personal insecurity that built a wall around me. I was a critical a-hole as a means of self-protection from being found out that I am not perfect.
The best thing to come from the divorce/separation is I've hit rock bottom and have no pride left. I am humbled, and defenseless.
Today, I discovered that my wife had been having an affair. At the time I suspected, She denied, and I had no choice but to believe her. Though it sucked, I wanted to work on the marriage.
And now, I have gone from devastated to diminished to desperate. I had hopes that, even though she was pushing the divorce through at lightening speed, we could work through this. But now, I don't know.
Her behavior towards me is pleasant. Friendly. She said she was "Thankful" for me at Thanksgiving. But has no desire to work on the relationship. As far as she's concerned we are divorced and now are just distant friends who share two daughters.
Hi KLB, Sorry you are here. I'm relatively new here too, but noticed no one had replied to you yet.
All I can say right now is 'keep your chin up' as I'm still learning this DB stuff.
And, some really wise and caring folks on here will be responding soon enough with great advice and insight.
None of it is easy to take.
The only advice I feel qualified to give is read, read, read, the DR book and these forums.
good luck.
Ps. Oh yeah, they'll certainly ask for more details, so get your history prepared to share
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Hello. I'm new here. Three months ago, after almost a year of tension, and sexual distance for most of marriage, my wife kicked me out of the house. And immediately filed for divorce.
I take responsibility for the sexual distance - baggage I never shed from previous relationships. I've also come to realize that my fear of failure led to personal insecurity that built a wall around me. I was a critical a-hole as a means of self-protection from being found out that I am not perfect.
The best thing to come from the divorce/separation is I've hit rock bottom and have no pride left. I am humbled, and defenseless.
Today, I discovered that my wife had been having an affair. At the time I suspected, She denied, and I had no choice but to believe her. Though it sucked, I wanted to work on the marriage.
And now, I have gone from devastated to diminished to desperate. I had hopes that, even though she was pushing the divorce through at lightening speed, we could work through this. But now, I don't know.
Her behavior towards me is pleasant. Friendly. She said she was "Thankful" for me at Thanksgiving. But has no desire to work on the relationship. As far as she's concerned we are divorced and now are just distant friends who share two daughters.
I need some perspective if it is salvagable.
Very familiar stuff. Is there a chance? Sure. If you are willing to put the work in and give it time.
Can you tell us more about your relationship history and current situation?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thank you. It is good to know someone is out there. I honestly have never felt so alone. I'm amazed at the way people cut you off. I feel like a Child Molesting Terrorist with a herpes blister on my lip.
My baggage is that I've been left and cheated on by every major woman I've been involved with. So what had been a very robust sex drive turned into a scared wiener.
My wife comes from a divorced family - they divorced when she was 2. (A common age, I might add. I worked for an online dating site and a huge percentage of female members with children have one that is 2) Her mother is twice divorced and widowed once. I believe my MIL is a strong supporter of the divorce.
My greatest fear has always been faillure. And with each step in our marriage, I added another level of fear. Fear of being a good husband (though I had no clue what that was.) Fear of being a good lover. Fear of being a good father. Fear of being able to provide for and be respected by my wife. So much fear that I closed down about 5 years ago.
When my wife kicked me out, she said that she couldnt stand my anger and that I was sexually unavailable and made her feel unattractive. And she is right and I am ashamed and very sorry.
She is a beautiful woman and very sexy and I'm very attracted to her. I had just shut my self down.
Currently, she says she isnt seeing the man she had the affair with. Though she also denies having an affair altogether.
She treats me like a friendly neighbor and seems almost Stepfordian in her distant closeness. Her veneer is thick and well polished. But she has a lot of anger toward me. And a considerable amount of guilt and shame, which she is trying not to show.
She works for me so I see her everyday. Though this will change since we are closing the business - between the divorce and recession it has been a crushing year. Amicable is the behavior we all assume when together.
My daughters are too young to really fully grasp the situation. Though my eldest is aware and gets feedback from her classmates.
We have been to marriage counselling. Sadly, I found a new counsellor in January, who I believe sealed the deal on the divorce. A terrible woman who I feel was determined to rip us apart.
She may not be interested in working on the M at this time. But if she saw that being M to you would be different (as in much better) than it was before, then it could spark her interest. Don't expect her to have any desire to stay M to you if you don't give her reason. These cannot be discussed. Notice I said "cannot". Most men want to work it out by discussing the R, but she's way....way....past that point. All that will convince her is to see it. That means you will have to do all the work! It means you will have to make all the changes!
Now, if you are willing to do the work, then there a chance that M can be saved. If you don't do the work, then there is zero chance. Here's the catch: you have to be the best "you" possible, and you have to continue being your best from now on.......forever. Of course, we can help you and tell you ways to get through this ordeal. Much of what you need to know is "what not to do". But first you have to decide if you want it bad enough to really work this.
You will need to come here every day possible to post. Share your feelings and how things are going, and ask questions. Also read other stories here. You'll be surprised how much in common they have with you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you. I'm working on it. I have posted replies to the previous responses, but they dont seem to have posted. I will check back and if my previous posts dont show, I'll rewrite what I wrote.
I have been working with someone to help get my wife back. Much of what he has talked about has been in line with the cognitive behavioural therapy that is the basis of Michele's approach.
I work very hard at being happy, pleasant and present around my wife. He also tells me to agree with her - tell her she is right - no matter what. It is difficult. Though she is usually pleasant in all things, she does mix in a certain degree of insult when she can. And she is making some wreckless money choices - I think as both an emotional pacifier and to make me literally pay for the pain. Sometimes it is hard to hide the distress I feel. But I am trying.
I am still wrapping my head around the DB approach and what to do.. My problem is I don't know quite where to start with my wife at this point. She is very suspicious of me and my intentions. She knows I don't want to divorce. And I believe her support network has aligned to encourage her to stay strong in her choice.
Sandi2, Thank you for direct and clear response. I am both willing and wanting to do this work. I was not happy with the marriage as it was. I was just hoping it would last long enough for me to make the money to provide my family with some security, so I could be the hero husband and then work on the marriage. Pathetic, I know. Now.
Honestly, since she kicked me out, and I hit what is truly my rock-bottom, I've experienced a tremendous relief. Obviously, I've failed at the most important thing in my life. I am not afraid of failing. I no longer need every single thing in my life. I want more than anything to be with my wife. I truly love her. And I think under her anger and hurt she loves me too.
In short, I'm loving the personal changes this terrible ordeal has created in me. I want to keep going and growing and hope you will all take me under your wing and provide the guidance to help me set things right.
