DBing to save myself

[LisaLost]

Hi all, it's been a few days since I have posted and I wanted to start a new thread. I hope to keep it here in Newcomers bc I am basically starting over in the DB process in hopes to save myself. Doing these exercises in a way that will save my dignity since I believe my marriage isn't salvageable. I mean really how can you save this? He is a serial cheater with no empathy towards no one. The back and forth I thought I was doing bc that was the better and worse part was enabling his poor behavior and he still takes NO responsibility for anything.

I have has almost no contact with him. The contact that we had concerned the kids. He makes comments about me being out with someone and that he needs a jacket from the house but since I am out its no big deal he will get it some other time. I just dont respond. I am forcing myself to think less and less of ow. I had been border line obsessed with oh she must be so put together and they never fight and she is always perfect she is 26 as of tomorrow so she is the greatest thing and they are quitting smoking together Awwww you know all that ow must be better than me crap. I have been doing my best to stop it.

Along with that I am trying not to think of them having the most perfect R ever and how sweet he is with her and she is the one to change him. Blah blah blah.

Taking little steps to change my thoughts. One day at a time.

[25yearsmlc]

LL,

I can see why you'd focus on just yourself & I would do the same in your shoes. For whatever reason, he's not going to change while you and he are in this dynamic.

He errs and he's forgiven and he cheats again, and that's no way for YOU to live. I'm somewhat certain he's not capable of fidelity.

So, if he had passed away a few years ago and you had processed your grief and were finally finding your way to happiness, what would that life look like?

In other words, imagine your life without him, but with you being happy...


What hobbies or work would you be engaged in? Any new folks in your life? Any people NO LONGER in your life?

Would you take a class? Join an organization or a new church?

Would you be dating now? What type of man would you seek out and where?

How would you comfort your kids and guide them? And yourself? What activities and places and people would most comfort you?

Where would you live?

Okay detail this vision as much as possible....and then, ask yourself this question:

What of these^^ things/activities can I do NOW, to create a new better happier life for ME?

And for my kids...b/c as the kids see YOUR happiness level ebb and flow, so will theirs.

You must show them that the misery or joy of someone else (like OW or your ex h)

is NOT an index for YOUR happiness. IF his car breaks down, it's not a "good day" for you and if he's appearing happier it's not a BAD day for you.

He is irrelevant. And anyone who cheats like this, serially, is NOT happy inside but it looking for external validation that they are not able to find within.

You have to model for your kids how happiness is what WE create for OUR lives...it's not up to others.

Your kids are watching you more than you know.

Show them that they are in charge of their happiness just as you are in charge of yours.

The OW is not the first and won't be the last. She's beneath your concern....

What are you doing for YOU, today?

[LisaLost]

Thanks 25ymlc,

I had a beauty night for myself last night and I am planning on finding a great new haircolor for myself. Letting myself go us one of the things I have done since I got married. I am 5ft3 and 115 pounds so my weight isn't a problem. I used to be a make up and skin care nut and it made me feel good. I am going to get that back. I also was a ballet dancer and yeah I am 37 but I want to take some classes again.

I certainly have moments of pain so bad I can barely stand it but I did devote 15 plus years and well it just [censored] but it will not kill me. Everytime I think of the ow I have now promised myself that I will carry a journal and write down something I want for myself. Like a new color nail polish or sexy boots. So it gets my mind off her and her wonderfully fabulous life lol.

Take care all,
Lisa

[subguy]

Wow great advice 25, I'm going to take a little of it as well. LL I wish you luck, let me know how your doing please.

Of course I smell the sarcasm dripping from your post about them having the perfect R lol. However our minds tend to drift in that direction, we put ourselves down and raise them up. When it should be the other way around.

[LisaLost]

Subguy, of course I will keep you updated I am going to be posting/journaling my journey here.

Oh yes that was pure sarcasm bc they want us to think things are so perfect when they are human like us. I would bet they worry and stress over us just as much. As far as the ow in my sitch she actually did me the biggest favor ever.

Thanks for checking out my thread subguy.

Lisa

[leopoldstotch]

LL 25's post is right on the money as usual. You are right OW did do you a favor. Look at it like this he is her problem now. I would suggest that anytime your thoughts wander to her just think about how he will do the same thing to her that he has done to you. You have the right attitude about saving yourself. Sounds to me like your H is incapable of being loyal to one woman. He has some serious moral flaws. You deseve better so start acting that way. Plenty of good men out there who will treat you the way you want/deserve to be treated when the time is right.

[Gettingoverit]

I agree with Leopold but its hard to get past the fact that they have no problem dumping you and seem to have no misgivings about it. I think sometimes its the embarassing fact that I got dumped more than anything else. Other than the fact that I thought that I was the only one that understood him and now I realize that I don't know him at all, at least the person he is now.

[LisaLost]

Hello all,

Well something is up with my h. Our son fractured his arm skateboarding and had it cast today. At the ortho's office they took a pic of my son and me with his nice purple cast for the drs. wall. The office emailed the pic to my sons phone and mine. Well my son posted his on fb and within 15 minutes I got a text from my h about how sexy I looked in my boots. My mind went this guy is crazy but I didn't respond. A few minutes later I got a text that said. I like your boots they are hot. Again I didn't respond. He then text about our sons arm and asked questions about the cast so I did respond to those. I was very nice and got off phone first.

About an hour ago I got a text from him that said he would sure like a pic of something special . Since I am dbing to save myself here I know I should not have responded but I sent back " sure would you like a pic of our very special divorce papers". H replied no. I didn't respond so he text back " you know what I am talking about " I didn't respond again. So he calls and I don't answer. He calls 4 more times I finally pick up and as soon as I say hello. He says " oh you are probably recording this conversation so bye " he hung up and I haven't heard from him since.


What the do- do? I know in the past I haven't been the smartest with him but is he seriously trying to test the waters ? He is pretty cocky.

Ideas? Should I have handled it different? I know this will come up again probably later today bc I am basically ignoring him. What's the best way to handle this?

Thanks
Lisa

[keep_going]

Call your cell phone provider and block his texts.

[keep_going]

Sorry - hit submit too soon.


Lisa - Please go back and re-read your old threads from years ago. This is the EXACT same dynamic you had with him before. You would let him go between being aggressive and abusive to then him making sexual advances and innuendos to you. You would start answering like today and eventually give in.

You come here today, like you did years ago asking what you should do. People would tell you to change your behavior, focus on yourself, get him as far away from your life as you can possibly do, given you have kids with him. Yet you would still give in to him and respond to his baiting you just like today.

How did that work for you in the past?

Are you really ready to do something different?

I will repeat the same advice you have been given for years. DO NOT answer his phone calls or texts. Let your VM pick up and only get back to him when related to kids / administrative.

Lisa - please, you need to be way stronger than that...