SS, RLA, AJ, and KD, thanks for your posts. I haven't been ignoring you, just been out of town visiting H's family. I appreciate everyone's thoughts, even amongst yourselves.
I didn't notice that anyone answered Soul.Searching's question, though. I'm sure she and I would both appreciate a few comments on that. Her question was "are you saying that CV needs to change her perspective on the big things? Eg lying,.. Not getting anything back etc?"
RLA, though I whole-heartedly agree with your suggestion in general, my saying to H, "I want us to talk" is the absolute worst thing I can do with him. I know there are stereotypical-type jokes about "what are the four most terrifying words a man can ever hear", to which the punchline is "We need to talk." For H, it's actually true (perhaps more annoying than terrifying.) Thus the elephant in the room, with which he seems perfectly comfortable. Personally, I don't have a clue how to address our issues without talking out agreeable solutions. H, on the other hand, does the "not really addressing it and putting band aids on, making (him)self feel better but damaging the relationship at the same time," that you said you did. (FYI, I did attempt to talk to him in the 6-hour drive north, but after a while, he reached over and turned the radio loud so he couldn't hear me.)
KD, my general thoughts are a little less self-centered than "what's in it for me." Mine is more in line with, "Why would I (or not)?" or "Why should I (or not)?" For example, on the way to and from S12's school everyday, I notice a gas station on the corner that really needs some landscape work. If I had absolutely nothing else going on in life, I could be perfectly content investing 4-5 hours pulling weeds and pruning bushes. It's actually something I enjoy doing. So why wouldn't I do that? Basic economics. There is limited time and resources in life. I have to give up some other option for that time/energy in order to do that. Besides, I could do the same thing at the entrance of our subdivision. Or for the widow across the street. All of these things are nixxed because I choose to spend that time instead helping S12 with his homework. Frankly, I would rather do the yard work than tutor 7th grade math, so if I were doing things based on "What's in it for me," I would do the yard work because I enjoy it.
Does the gas station operator or the subdivision or the widow across the street NOT deserve my best? Of course not. But they are in actuality going to get nothing from me. Not my best, not my worst, nothing. Because I personally value my S12 more. I want to do it for him, not because I enjoy it or because I get some sort of payback. It is internally driven. The same reason I choose not to lie, because of an internal mechanism.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
All we can do is live for us. We all know we can't control what our spouses do. So we do our best every day, and we do it for ourselves, not for anyone else
So, if my choices at 9:00 at night are: a.)play a game with S12, b.)do a couple miles on the treadmill, c.)take the dog for a walk, d.)do some laundry, e.)call my mother, f.)put up the Christmas decorations, g.)study for finals, h.)go through the mail and pay the bills, i.)go to bed and get some much-needed sleep, etc., etc., etc, ..... or z.)send S12 to bed so I can service H sexually, why in the world would I ever choose z? It is definitely not what I want to do.
