He's Just Not That Into You

[Wendylon]

Can you use your MC session to validate your H? In some ways, it doesn't matter whether or not the MC is any good for you to do that.

I didn't really use our MC sessions in the conventional way in that I wasn't relying on our therapist to help but I was making use of the time together to listen to H's stories, validate and give him WOA--which he's especially keen on having others witness.

When I was doing my best DBing (eight years ago), my main goal in our MC sessions was for H to feel good in my presence. I think H did enjoy them. I'd let him vent his frustrations and wouldn't argue with his distorted view of things.

By the way, it wasn't my idea. My DB coach helped me reframe the MC sessions to further our R. I didn't do the expected thing of venting my frustrations and making demands. I'd been pretty good at doing that all along in our R and that didn't get us anywhere good so the last thing I needed was to do it again in the presence of a therapist. I was dying to bring up some touchy topics such as finances or OW but my DB coach counselled me against it and it was some of the best advice I got from her. She kept suggesting that I do 180s in the sessions and not bring up all the stuff that H was expecting me to bring up.

I suspect that your H can make small changes over a period of time without a jolt. A jolt could work for you but it could also work against you. It's a lot higher risk.

I do think you could do with appearing more detached (though not cold). What if you started to act completely at peace about your bed sitch for example as opposed to making it clear that it's a drag?

It's actually helping me to be going over what helped last time in my sitch. I got good at DBing and eventually we went to Istanbul together which turned out to be a very romantic holiday. It took a while to get to that point though. (And sadly, after another while, I became complacent again, and came off the ADs, and things slipped..) I don't have it down pat but I do remember what worked and since our Hs are so similar it might be of use to you.

If your H feels comfortable with that MC then I wouldn't criticise them but let your H take centre stage and let him try out different stories. He'll tire of them eventually and move on once he's felt heard.

In my experience, the key is to keep DBing steadily and to be v. v. patient.