WAW seems to be making positive steps...whattodo?

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi's post should be printed out and read by ALL of us weekly. Your situation is spot on for that post so read it again, please...and again, truly. Yes 3 times or more, DM, b/c it SO applies!

Thanks, Sandi...
Yes paralyzed by OM situation is what I feel. I think you are saying I don't have to be? Makes sense...one to tango.


YES it takes ONE to forgive and to let go, etc. NO MORE questions about him. Be realistic too...

she won't commit to you or the marriage if she's still struggling with OM anyhow. So your conditions precedent to YOU making the mandatory changes YOU need to make are useless and counter productive too.

I fear W is paralyzed in that she hasn't forgiven. Are you saying she's not, that progress can be made even before forgiveness?


it takes progress to GET to the forgiveness. And when I chose to forgive my h the first part was to turn my pain/anger over to God. I could not handle it.

Then on almost a daily (or hourly) basis I'd have to choose to forgive, again. I'd have to choose NOT to hold onto my anger, again.

I could not throw it in his face again, ever...and that took daily choices to forgive and let go, for a good YEAR...and then some

I believe I have done the things you said, in writing (before reading DR) and in person, ie admitting to my wrong, taking responsibility, expressing sorrow. Short of the words "Will you please forgive me?" as I have been afraid she is not ready.

No she is NOT ready...Do NOT ask her to forgive you- but you can exopress the hope that SOMEDAY she might be able to BUT you must say it in a way that makes it clear you do not think you earned/deserve it.

(Even if you believe you do). And no, I do NOT believe you've taken responsibility for your role in it really

b/c you bring up HER choice about OM

EVERY SINGLE TIME you mention your failings. You are a score keeper

and you need to lose the score card. Those things kill marriages...


Is it time to ask?
.
NO


If she says not yet, continue to validate, when she brings it up, right?

IF SHE brings it up...

You can say "forgiveness is a process...it's a learned skill"..."takes time and involves frequent choices and prayer"..."turning over", etc.

but if I were you, I'd tell her you KNOW you are not in a position to expect or ask for forgivness b/c you have a lot to prove to her...

your hope is that she'll give you that chance.

And as Sandi said, do NOT allow your children to dishonor their mother in your presence.

It irks me that you validated your son's "moral courage" when he condemned her.

That was not moral courage, it was a wounded ego and anger and punitive feelings. NOTHING loving about that.

See through it and your own self interest there...if YOU want a reconciliation

your son's judgmentalism won't help