WAW seems to be making positive steps...whattodo?

[sandi2]

If it's one thing I've learned it is that men & women think differently in R problems. It still amazes me how a couple can ever come together to make things work! But it can be done! 25yearsmic's M was saved, my M was saved, and others here on the board. I believe the main thing we could tell you is that it did not happen quickly.

A couple of things I've seen is whenever there is OM involved, the H wants to hear up front that his W is through with the A. He has that right, and the M won't work until the W ends the A. But the point I'm making is the H seems as if he is paralyzed until he hears that committment from her. Other H's want to hear the W say that she is willing to work on the M before he can do the work. In your case, you need to hear her say she forgives you. Nothing is wrong with any of that, but it just doesn't always work that way b/c women don't approach the situation the same as men.

I think you must get your own emotions under control, or you could have a heat attack. The way you described how you physically reacted at the last meeting sounded pretty serious. If you have to get medical help or whatever, you won't be able to deal with the M problems until you have a handle on yourself. You are allowing fear to be in control. You will lose if you don't beat it.

I have had a lot to say in other threads about forgiveness. I know what it is to be the forgiven......and to be the forgiven. I had years of resentment that I had to let go b/c of w hat it was doing to me. The ones that caused so much pain in my life may not have deserved it and sure never asked me to forgive them.........not even my H. I think it would have helped, but it didn't happen. The decision was mine to make. I wanted to be able to move forward.

Forgiveness is a choice from our free will. Our problem is usually the feelings don't just disappear b/c we decide to forgive. Our decision can be made in a moment, but it takes time to heal the wound. The more serious the wound, the longer time for healing. However, the main ingredient is to want to be healed. No progress will be made if there is no desire to get over the hurt.

A person has to let go of the anger before they can even get to the point of deciding to forgive. Only your W will know when she's there. What can you do to help her get there? First, you can tell her that you see how badly you treated her, how you failed as a H and how wrong you were to encourage bad treatment from the kids. It may help if you name the things you did, instead of just trying to lump it altogether. She knows what they were, but if she hears you say it.....and show true remorse, then it could help her to at least get to the point of "thinking" about forgiving you.

Get it all out there and bare you soul. You tell her you know you will never deserve her forgiveness but you want her to know how horrible you feel over years of bad behavior. Tell her you take responsibility for the breakdown of the M. (And if you really want her back, you'll take all of it...and mean it.)

After you lay youself out there, you leave her alone. No begging or lingering on to see if she will or won't forgive you. She may need to process all that you've said. You can't press her. If she is ever able to let go and forgive, you will be a most blessed man!

If you have not told your children how wrong you were to influence their treatment of their mother, then you need to set them down together and tell them. Do it before you even attempt to talk to her. If they are adults, then they have to decide what they will do, however, you can make sure any bad behavior will not be acceptable or tolerated when you are around and in the presence of their mother.

And by the way, if you do this with your kids and with her, do not allow any discussion about her behavior. This is about you and what you've done. It is not the time to bring up her sins or what all she needs to do in order for the M to work. This isn't a R talk. It is all about you telling your W and your kids what you've done wrong......and pray that she has what it takes to forgive.

After the talk, you don't bring it up anymore? You don't ask her if she has reached a decision. You leave it alone. It is up to her and she can't be pressured, guilted, or preached to.

You will never know if you don't do it. It isn't easy! But you have nothing more that you can lose and everything to gain. Please don't allow pride to stand in your way. It takes a real man to do this, and your W knows it. You can't change the past, but you can show her, your kids, and most of all yourself that you are no longer that person.