He left and I am angry but I want him back!!!

[DFE]

HI All,
My H left in September and moved into an apartment. We have had problems since the beginning of our marriage. We have been together for 18 years and married for 10. We started dating right out of high school and were very much in love. I was everything to him until we got married. We always bickered about unimportant stuff and have had a very unbalanced relationship. I have always been the bread winner and I think that has been hard on him.

We now own a company together with multiple offices. And although we are separated we continue to work together but it's the hardest thing I have had to do. We have 4 year old twins that are hurt and confused and I want to make the hurt go away for them so bad. I love my husband very much despite feeling angry and abandoned. We were each others best friends and I feel like he has betrayed me.

We separated once in 2006 but got back together when I decided I wasn't abandoning my home and returned to the house. We brushed things under the rug and really didn't discuss it. A few months later he sent me text saying how sorry he was and that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Obviously he forgot that because 6 years later we are right back there and now with two kids.

When I say unbalanced life I have always taken care of everything. The bills, the house, the kids, the business. Everything. I got tired and frustrated and would complain. He got sick of the complaining and would say this is all he could do. We got into a fight in July and he started sleeping on the couch. I asked him to come upstairs a few weeks later but he said no. Then he started staying out more and going to the bar with his friends. One night I had enough and sent him a text saying I am tired of always waiting home for you. The next day he moved out.

At first he was depressed and said he wants us to rekindle what we have and that this is the only way it will happen. He wanted us to date while he were separated so that we can find each other again. Of course I was so angry that it wasn't a good idea so our first date within a week of him leaving was a disaster. I used it to tell him what I thought of him and how angry I was.

We tried couselling but that was a disaster too because it led to a huge fight when he said he felt refreshed to be out of the house. I stormed out and we haven't returned since.

We went away on a trip to a wedding with my family. This was planned long before the separation. He got drunk and wouldn't leave me alone. He looked so in love but then the alcohol wore off the next day and he was back to himself.

I am lost now and hurting. He has been gone for over two months and I am afraid it's too late. I wish I had used the dates to rekindle our relationship because I know we love each other and we have a lot to lose. We have two kids, a business, and 18+ years of history.

I have been doing the 180 and although I feel a little better I am afraid it has pushed him away further. He says he doesn't want to get in my way. When he sees me he calls me honey but I am sure that is habit. I know the 180 says not to date him but I want this to end. He has another month left on his lease and his original plan was to try to move back after the lease was done. I pushed him further away with all the fighting when he left. What do I do now? Do I start to be nicer and ask him out to dinner. Use it as a time for us to reconnect?

And no I don't think he is seeing anyone but anything is possible. Please give me some advise. He has spent the night two nights last week because he had to be here early to take the kids to school. He may do so again tonight. I just don't know how to act. I usually leave the room to give him space and do my own thing.

[AJM]

DFE, welcome to a place nobody wants to be.

Can I ask why you posted in this forum? I think you might do better in the new member forums or maybe MLC forums.

Can I ask though (also) why you left in 2006?

What else is going on with H?

AJ

[sandi2]

The DBing did not push him further away, your anger did. Until you both are able to work through the issues of what makes you angry, moving back in will not last. Why did you have to take care of everything? Would he refuse to do what he should? Did you know this before you M him?

[DFE]

HI AJM,
I have also posted on the other forums. I had surgery in 2006 and was staying with my parents to recover when he told me he wanted a divorce. I stayed there for a month or so and then decided to go home. We got together when I was 18 and he was 21. We've grown up a lot but have some childish patters in the way we communicate. We bicker a lot and that has really been bad for our relationship.

He does have depression and anxiety although he has never gotten help for it. It's not severe but he is sometimes happy with his life and sometimes not. During our good times he tells me how lucky he is to have the life that he has and then something will trigger him to start being miserable.

He is always in search of happiness. Maybe because he is miserable with me but I think he is unhappy with himself. He likes to drink but doesn't have a drinking problem and likes to go out with his buddies. What man doesn't but he would do it every day if he could.

[DFE]

Sandi2 We got together when I was 18 and he was 21. I was always finacially savvy so I started taking care of all of the bills. Little by little I did more and more. I have a type A personality and I can multi task and handle a lot of stuff. I feel like the more I can handle the more that I am given to do. I am more goal oriented and wanted a certain lifestyle. I worked for it and he is more relaxed. He is now working really hard at our business but I still have more responsiblities at work. I started the company and he joined a few years later so I was already doing most of the work.

I am still angry but not like I was two months ago. I have accepted what he has done but I still don't like it. I just wanted to move past it and think I can appreciate that this separation will bring about good change.

I knew he was much more relaxed than I am from the beginning but I was young and he treated me with love and it was a whole different relationship so it didn't matter. I am still ok with the amount of work but I want him to appreciate it rather than tell me so what you are tired I work too.

[sandi2]

I hear you and I'm the same way. The more work you take on .......the more you will get. This applies in all areas of life. I had to learn the hard way. Then the day comes when it's too much for one person and something will start to break down under all the strain.

My H is like you described yours. I used to get mad b/c I worked so hard at everything, while he did very little....and enjoyed much of the fruits of my work.