Realistic Optimist Hard At Work

[Just A Guy]

I hear you MLC.... And I know what you are asking me...

I have been racking my brain trying to think of something which I can do differently.. 22 Months ago W told me "ILYBINILWY but I do not want to leave the M and I know we can work things through."

What she didn't tell me was that even though she was acting as if things had gotten better and she was giving me cards and making me feel like we were on the right path she was still feeling the ILYB feelings deep down. She tells me now that she was fighting them the whole time we have been married and even earlier in our R that she thought they would just pass.

I am willing to wait as long as it takes until she feels that "spark" again or until I feel like it is effecting my life in negative ways.

As far as what I am willing to do which is new and different, at this point ANYTHING.. I popped the retrouville idea to her and she sorta didn't like the fact that it is affiliated with the church even though I told her it isn't a religious type retreat but I will have to approach it differently.

I have asked her about what she is reading and what she is getting out of her books.. We have discussed the most recent book "I will not die an unlived life."

As far as an ultimatum I think I am getting close to that point but I am not there yet. I think SHE is getting close to the point of separation especially since our lease is up in Jan.

I have also been searching my soul a LOT in regards to why I want to stay married to her. Why if half of our entire R together has been passionless am I so concerned and fighting so hard to keep her.. Part of me thinks it is because she is my first true love, my longest relationship. She and I have an incredible friendship and are on the same page on just about everything, the times we are NOT on the same page we always figure out how to get there. I feel like I will always compare other future R's to her and I keep feeling like no one will stack up to her and the way we are together. I keep remembering the times where I KNOW she felt passion for me, little glimpses of what we can and still do have even if it is buried under dozens of layers of issues. The fact of the matter is that no one has ever made me feel the way she does, that I would lay down my life for her, that I will try anything... And then I try and truthfully ask myself am I still fighting because I don't want to lose her, and the answer is no. This is not about pride or about being dumped.

I feel that we never would have gotten where we are, and stuck around as long as we have if there wasn't some semblance of a great M in us.

Last night she brought up M again and asked me what I was afraid of. I told her I was afraid of giving up on something I feel deep in my core is good and can work and become amazingly beautiful. She told me she sees no other solution except out.. She didnt say she WANTS out but it felt more like she was asking me for permission to feel the way she is feeling.. I told her I am not staying in the M just because I am being stubborn and don't want to lose but because I keep coming to the same conclusion it would be a mistake to D.

She told me she wishes she could stop the hurt again... I want to go on a tangent in all the ways I know she could stop the hurt. We hugged and went to bed...

We have MC session on Tuesday. MC was on a roll last week with us and she thought we were on the right path making great strides towards R... Boy is she in for a treat Tuesday...