A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

Thanks for your supportive posts. I think I have found a good place. Feels good already, expecially the pro-marriage vibe.

Turtle girl - I was just reading your thread then looked at mine and there was your post. Coincidences like that are not really coindicences are they?

to GAL I have been focussed very much on my girls being involved in their lives and doing things together or with each individually, doing lots of gardening, picked up an extra day at my part time job where my co-workers are all good friends, started coaching a beginner team at our netball club and become part of a social network of all the other coaches so have made some lovely new friends there(netball is a bit like basketball but different and mainly a girls sport...for you Americans!}and socialising with friends. Im not sure how it happened (but so grateful) but I also have made a whole new group of school mum friends who are wonderful fun and support and we are all on the same page with life philosophies although our lives are all very different. I used to read a lot but find i can't keep my brain on track and used to play piano a lot but it makes me sad coz i used to play for H. Instead I am reading about MLC and enjoying listening to my 2 girls play, they are both very musical so it is a joy to listen to them.

As to 180s, this is a bit harder. I have done a lot of thinking about this. Thinking about the dynamics of our relationship and my behaviour and the way we interacted as well as the issues that H raised in our few sessions of MC (very early this year). He said I was angry (said I fought all the time with my D17) and rigid (said I kept the house too tidy) and he resented that I thought his job impacted on our family life.

I took allthose things on board initially - then spoke to my D about the arguments and she said "but mum we hardly ever fight, its like 1% of the time, thats just rubbish" - I believe what she says is the truth but can also see that I didn't always approach things calmly. I was often tired and overwhelmed and felt taken for granted and doing all the house and parenting stuff on my own. H has a very demanding job, lots of out of hours commitments, away from home on business often so I was often left to cope on my own and yes I did resent it. I understood and accepted that it was just how it was but I also felt taken for granted. As to keeping the house too tidy, well, when I look around I see a house that is clean and well kept but obviously has a family living there. Sure beds are made and dishes done but the family room is full of school books, music gear, colouring and craft stuff, laptops & ipods, sports gear - all the stuff of a family. there's piles i haven't got around to putting away and washing hanging round waiting to be folded. its a normal house and in the past he has expressed to me how happy he was that I kept a nice house. so that one I am not sure about but I have tried to lighten up a bit and not fuss too much about the house.

In my interactions with H I am also trying to think about 180s. Instead of being sad I try to be warm, lighthearted, friendly. pleasant but busy my IC says. That seems to work. I haven't cried or been upset around him for months and he is being pleasant and friendlier back.

Also letting him initiate all contact unless I must contact about kids. And not answering straight away (eg text message) And finishing the conversation first. I would hang in there too long I think sometimes, keep texting to keep the conversation going when I should have stopped. so I am very conscious of that now. Also sometimes if he texts me I will ring back just to mix up the medium of contact.

I also think i was passive in our relationship and let him take control so I have tried to be more assertive - not bossy or aggressive but assertive. I am also acting 'as if' i feel confident and OK with the direction of my life. Lots of times this is true, its easy then but other times...not true so much harder.

Also working very hard on detachment. This one is hard. Like a few weeks back we met up after D10's netball game - I had been coaching my beginners so popped over to her court to see how her match went. While H was watching the game, he had bumped into someone he knew from a course he did a few years ago and virtually introduced me as his wife "you remember Judy? Jude, remember we met so&so at that function?" I just didn't know how to react. I felt like saying "you do realise that you can't just trot me out as your wife when its more convenient to do so"

My IC said 'pleasant but busy' is fine but I need to be 'less pleasant and more busy'. I have been interacting more distantly and less "wife-ly" since, more focussed on D10 than H. You know - super excited to give D10 a hug then a quick Hi to H all while obviously wanting to talk to D10.

We interact very pleasantly face to face and never discuss our R or money or property settlement or D or OW. Its so surreal because that's all going on under the surface of the superficial pleasantries. It really sends my head spinning.

In all my interactions, especially ones that are awkward or I really don't want (like having to sit together at D17's high school graduation dinner last week) I think "what would the girls want?" or "what would be best for the girls?" and decide what I will do based on that. Then I can interact knowing I may not want to do this but I am doing this for the girls. They have both already said they know which parent they can rely on which was heart warming. My relationship with each of them has really strengthened through all this and thats a good good thing.