WAW seems to be making positive steps...whattodo?

[25yearsmlc]

First,


THE NEED FOR SECURITY IS HUGE...

You let her down. Now you are telling her that YOU are in "financial limbo"...WHY do you tell her that? it's not her fault. And btw, it's NOT attractive either.

Sorry but I say shape up and show up.

Sexist as it MAY be, men are supposed to be able to provide... I can't believe you asked her if SHE could still support the family. Why would you expect it AND ask this of her? Be an adult and talk about finances "together" but of course, be contributing.

Express gratitude for how long SHE has provided for the family...and teach your kids better.

It's so ironic to me that you were not loving or kind or appreciative to her WHILE she slaved... AND finally, you taught the kids to be the same way to her.

OUCH...

So, tell me, what are YOU bringing to the table? If You are not a provider and the kids are old enough to not need a parent right there, AND you were not kind or loving to her,

well, that's a lot for you to improve upon. I cannot imagine her returning soon AND it working out

with such little time passing. I don't think you get what you put her through enough for real change.

The fact that you keep talking about YOUR anger makes me think that you are not ready to show change b/c it has not truly happened.

Please, Tell me what is different now.

How would marriage to you be better and different than before, for HER?

I don't want to hear about how mad THE KIDS are, when we know it's learned behavior YOU taught them.

I ache for her. I really hope you figure this out soon.

You have some work to do.

Labug and sandi2,
Thanks for posting so quickly. I need need need to talk this out.

Why would you expect her to commit so quickly?

It is my curse. Just re-read section of DR where MWD said "To say you will need patience is a big big understatement...if you are a take charge person, you are about to learn one of the hardest lessons in your life..." p258

This has been going on for how many years?

5 since she went back PT, 4 FT, 2 1/2 w/2 jobs, back to one a week before the bomb. So gradually over 5 yrs.

How committed are you?

Completely


What does that "Completely committed" comment mean? How are YOU BEHAVING differently? Financially speaking for you to whine to her or not have an extra job now,

to ME, means you are all show and no go.

Drop your time line. I think this is good stuff, baby steps.

And she's given you a roadmap.

Thank you so much for that. I need encouragement so much.


Yes she has given you a road map.


She cannot make it any clearer than she has. You are BLESSED to have the chance to make up to her for a lot...

SO DO IT.

Do you understand why she resents the fact she worked two jobs while you were slack?

Yes. I defaulted on my end of marriage covenant. No 2 ways about it. It wasnt fair. I have repeatedly expressed shame, regret, remorse.


But what have you DONE to demonstrate that you are a changed man?

Can we start with you NOT asking her to support the family anymore?

YOU should be reassuring HER, (as Sandi's post said. Her h never told her things would be alright and SHE had to bear it all....YES it builds resentment)

You ought to be taking on MORE responsibility, NOT telling her you Hope she keeps on providing for the family, and
You should be reassuring her, not the other way around.

I'm VERY concerned that you do not get this.

She may even hold down more than one job.......but if he doesn't seem to be working at least as hard as she is for their family (when it is necessary to survive).....she'll more than likely have resentment. That is often one of those things she pushes down inside of her, instead of confronting him and working through it.

That pretty much describes us, I think. What is the "recipe" for healing and forgiveness? I know time is an ingredient. Anything more I need to do? I think I get that I need to repeatedly hear and validate. What else?



What can You DO?

You can get a reliable job and better income...Get a job OR TWO, or whatever the family needs...and be KINDER to her at all times.

Hide the anger or better yet, lose it. It does NOT help you.


You can give her a break, that's what you can do. Make her life easier.

Promise and then follow through with some pleasant goals.

-- Got slightly short of breath, numb lips is a sign of low blood oxygen. I think I remember W asking what's wrong? That's when I shook my self and left for restroom. I am striving not to show her extreme emotional reactions.

My fear was that she was about to express commitment to OM, to say get D, etc.

However as I am typing this she is texting back and forth w/small talk. (she initiated)

Back to my previous question, though my belief is forgiveness has to be a gift, are there ingredients besides "time" to make it easier for her?

"Forgiveness is a gift"? That means what? Please explain.

And are you referring to the forgiveness you seek from HER, OR that you have not granted?

I believe Forgiveness is what WE do for ourselves and it's a gift we give ourselves.

It's not about the other person, or whether we think they "Deserve" it. They do not have even have to know we forgave them.

It's to help us let go of our pain and anger. IT's to free us.

IT's so that OUR LIVES are not dragged down by our reminding ourselves of our pain or our victimhood.

Forgiveness is a our declaration of independence.

Independent of what THEY do or did, and in charge of our own lives.

Holding onto anger to punish someone else,

is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.

Maybe when you "get this", you'll get a lot farther.

Model it for your kids and pray that your w will model it for them too, by her forgiving you.

Have you asked her to forgive you? NOT in a way that means she has to take you back,

but b/c you hurt her and let her down?