No experience going back to school yet, but there must be some kind of scholarships for the over 24 year old crowd. I'm not looking forward to filling out FAFSA again for S in January.
I went over to inlaws again today because S18 wanted to watch the football game, and then needed a ride to work. They are big football fans, too, and H was acting his normal self, yelling and clapping. But when he gets home, I'm sure he will go lock himself up in the bedroom. Jekyll and Hyde.
Funny how football (or other sports too I imagine) can be a constant for them. I'm going to speculate its because watching sports requires no interaction, no consideration of others, no pressure.
H left yesterday morning for the casinos and I haven't heard from him since - about 24 hours now.
I am becoming less and less willing to put up with this. And its been like this for so very long. The only difference is now I've had "the bomb". Pre-bomb, I didn't like the status quo of our marriage, the treatment I received, the behavior, BUT I thought that somewhere back of all the din that there was still love. That it was just poorly executed.
Now I think that rather, it was indeed "executed". There is so much damage in H's psyche that I don't think he is capable of sustaining a healthy, mutually loving relationship. There is not one relationship in his life that has not suffered very poor treatment. Not his parents, not his other Ws, not his gfs, not our children or his children, not his friends. He even tells me on a regular basis to put his dog to sleep.
He is narcissistic and emotionally distant. As I learned when looking at the "5 Languages of Love" site, his showing of love/affection is so low its practically non existent. And its been that way for a very long time.
So, coming to terms with all that, and adding "the bomb", what am I going to do about it?
Well, there's nothing I can do about it.
I must admit, must face the fact, that he is deeply damaged and is poor husband material. He is 54 years old. Our M is 20 years old, and 18 of those years have been substandard.
Can I really expect him to change? Can I expect our M to improve? Realistically, I don't think so. I think it would take a miracle. And I'm skeptical of miracles at the best of times - downright cynical of late.
So I don't expect him to change. I have to decide if continuing a substandard M is in my best interest. Of course, he may decide to leave at any minute despite whatever I might personally decide. But putting that very real possibility aside, I have to figure out if more of the same is acceptable to me.
Well. That should keep me busy for the day.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Query. The no contact thing really bothers me. H is gambling (as far as I know) and would not appreciate being interrupted by a phone call. Plus, I am not supposed to be calling as I understand DB...
He purchased a cell phone for the express purpose of me being able to reach him in an emergency. He has on occasion also used it to "check in". I appreciate the check ins because it lets me know if he's dead or alive - and well, I find that considerate.
I am contemplating bringing up the lack of communication. (See, I was playing in another forum, infidelity I think, and there was a discussion of boundaries. Got me to thinking...)
So, wise ones and not so wise ones alike, what do you think?
Per the other forum I was thinking of phrasing it thusly.
"It makes me worry when I don't hear from you while you are out of town. I appreciate it when you check in."
Now IDK if boundaries are acceptable in MLC land. Keep in mind that H and I continue to live together pretty much "as normal" so there really is no way of "going dark" or even "dim". (Turning the lights off when I leave the room is about the closest I can get...)
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
MLC is handled a bit differently than the normal situation. You have to deal with the MLC monster in an "opposite" manner.
I wouldn't contact him right now. You'll get the opportunity to discuss staying in touch at a later time, but for this weekend, don't contact him while he's gone. Wait until he returns home and if he tells you about his weekend, then use the phrase you posted. If you contact him now, you would come off as reminding him of a mother checking on her son when he's been out and about over night.
Sit quietly and wait patiently...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was reading your last several posts. I find myself in the same sort of "boat" as you - needing a job- wondering if i should continue this substandard (well, feels like it anyway) r, etc.
My h is relatively decent day in & day out- just doesn't communicate with me much- (he does have his computer & cell phone for "chatting" away w/ his "important" friends. can you tell im pretty rejected here? after 35 yrs of r i'd say he's always been selfish - and when you observe that every r he's had( your h) has suffered - i was thinking same here. you put it very well. I am amazed by my own (up to last 1.5 yr) blindness. Like you- i thought it was a phase or something- i hadn't realized that he was "checking out" i guess- making a list of alllll my transgressions so it was sure to be alllll my fault... etc.
love- can fool you can't it? anyway- i keep thinking i need to get a job and be able to get free of this- unable tho to make that final final decision and walk out. I look at job listings and think anything i can earn (secretary) will be kind of lowish - and it's hard *(yeah, i know, this whole thing is "hard" - i have to quit thinking in those terms and whining about it) sorry.
Anyway- my neice in the navy takes courses on line- apparently it works - i wonder myself if i could finish - i've got about three years of college credits - just need a final year. don't know what the heck i could/would "be" - but thinking along that line. perhaps it could be something for you? just a thought.
it's wierd isn't it to be thinking of "who you could be now" after so many hyears of being who you were in the r?
sorry to hear about the gambling you put up with. it's got to be very hard. i've got an ow sitch going on in the background of our r- it stinks - i'm hating computers and cell phones because of it- the secrecy, etc. oh well- technology huh?
using it for allllll the wrong reasons. how the heck does one "get back" to anywhere near where you were when you begin to not like the person?
I had no intention of contacting him about this. Simply wondered if it was advisable to mention when he returned. I feel that because he wants to continue the charade of marriage I should be able to communicate some things with him. (Keeping in mind that he has limited human abilities.)
H was home early yesterday morning - in bed when I returned from the early morning drop off of S19 to his job. I entered the bedroom and he grabbed me in a hug. ??? Then he brought up how the roads had been bad where he was and I used that segue to bring up contacting me so that the children and I might not worry.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm open to on-line school but have no money. Especially since H lost his job because of his MLC (Not that he has a problem of course, its all me, just ask him.)
How long has it been since you worked? Maybe going on some interviews and even getting a job would be a good 180 for you. Wouldn't mean you HAD to follow it with leaving.
I have some secretarial work in my background, but its waay back there. That was the sort of job I had hoped to get, but no dice. And I've been looking since March. Now, my unemployment expires at the end of this year and I'm interviewing at a fast food place.... and actually hoping I get the job.
Have to end this here - time to start the day. Catch up more later.
Thanks again for the response!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm glad he told you about the roads so that you could mention to him about touching base w/you when he's "out on the road" somewhere. I'm glad he arrived home safe and sound.
I loved the comment about him having limited human abilities. They all tend to have the saome robotic responses to things.
I hope this week is a good week for you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
