W filed, I think we can make it work - what to do?

[25yearsmlc]

Update from last night...

When I got home from work I asked her if we could talk because something was bothering me and I needed to tell her. She looked ready for a fight.

your behavior turned that around. I call that a "win".


I told her I was sorry for my attitude and comments at the end of last week. I told her I've been under a lot of stress with divorce, work, and extra holiday stuff I get roped into and I regretfully took it out on her. I didn't say anything else.

I LOVE this^^^. Esp since you didn't seem to "expect" something back from her.

Reminds me of a 180 I made that was pivotal though small at the time.

H had always paid the bills ahead of time. In his MLC he "forgot" to pay them AND "forgot" to tell me!

So the electricity almost got cut off and I called him (this was when It hit me that he wasn't paying them anymore) right after I'd had a DB session, thank God. (Perfect timing!)

I informed h that the bill wasn't paid and before I could go any further he interrupted me b/c he expected me to vent and rant on him, which I would have done IF I had not talked to my DB coach an hour earlier...

He said "NOW YOU KNOW what it's like to pay the bills FOR ONCE!! (he never asked me to pay them, btw)

AND IT'S STRESSFUL AND I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR OVER 20 YEARS!!"

I calmly said "Yes you have, and I want to THANK YOU For that - b/c it IS stressful to have to pay them every month."

H was silent for about 30 seconds (maybe less, but it was a LONG pause)

and said "um, well, you're welcome"....

and then we conversed for a few minutes about pleasant stuff and I got off the phone.

At that moment I realized how hard this DBing was going to be for me,

but that it could work.




She seemed responsive and her eyes softened a little and we actually talked for a couple minutes (just small talk that she started). I followed it up by asking her if she wanted to join the kids and I for Thanksgiving, she accepted. She tried to hide it but I could see she was happy to not have to spend holiday alone. Later in the night she came up to me and said maybe we could also all go to the parade or a movie. We watched TV as a family for first time in weeks. She even included me in her prayer that we do with kids before bed every night.


this ^^^ is called "progress" or baby steps, etc. IT's a good thing!

I'm not sure if these were the correct 'DB' things to do but I needed to do it for me because it was what I wanted to do and made me feel better because I was feeling bad about my attitude last week.

it WAS DBing b/c of these ^^ reasons. NOT b/c you said whatever you felt, b/c that is often NOT Dbing, but these reasons, feeling bad about your own behavior and owning it, are good solid reasons for an apology. (I mean, Why wouldn't you do it?)


I didn't come across as needy or even elude that I cared either way (even though I did). I'm getting so much advice that my head is spinning. Pass or fail, I'm realizing I have to do what's in my heart or everything feels off and doing it for wrong reasons (i.e. making someone spend holiday alone or being an a$$ to help me detach is just not who I am anymore).

Sometimes all we can do is ask ourselves if a course of action or comment is coming from a place of love/light in our hearts,

or something a bit more nebulous or dark.


I found that what I'd disguise as, or call "justice" or "fairness" was sometimes me wanting to punish AND Justify, which I'm very good at doing.

So I had to guard a lot against rationalizing what's really just punitive behavior.

But I'm a better woman for this new awareness and you'll be a better man and father for it too.