Yes, Kimmerz, that's about how it goes. We try and try until we realize that it is not something we can do. Then we let go of all of it. We end up having to treat them like a stranger...because they are not somebody we "know" any longer. It's part of it.
So is the contact. As Snodderly so eloquently put it, they "act" happy on the outside. Seem to have it all together to those that do not know them. But inside they are a seething mass of crud. That's something I've noticed in my own situation as well.
The funny thing is, they leave. They blame the LBS and some of it may be true. Much of it is not. What's odd is that the LBS has to be the one to "leave" in the end. We often don't see that until completely exhausted aka we've exhausted all avenues of any kind of relationship and peace with the MLC'r.
The holidays are the worst. First for the LBS, but later for the MLC'r; maybe even earlier than that, but the LBS doesn't notice that for the MLC'r since they instigated the leaving and act "happy". I think to some degree they get a "hit" of happiness, kind of like a drug. It's like they are deficient of something and frantically searching for that "happiness" they feel they deserve. Don't get in the way right?
This week has been a bit odd. I've had more conversation with mine this week then I have in 5 years. But I was recently told that she will or has started to transfer the anger to somebody else (new husband would be likely, but I watch to be sure it's not the kids) and will continue to do that for a long time to come. I feel sorry for her in some ways. I am not without compassion. For the record, some MLC'rs will go to great lengths to not be alone with their thoughts so they can avoid. It's tiring to even watch; I can only imagine what it is like to live it
But like you, I hit that wall a long time ago. I don't control the outcome for her or the kids. I pay attention enough to be there for the kids, but otherwise, I let it go. But I first exhausted all other avenues in the way I knew how.
Your daughters need to be themselves. If they need to tell their father something, then there is no reason for them to hold back. He won't make it easy (like a teenager, he may retaliate) but they'll learn how to do it. Neither he nor your daughters will stay static in the relationship. He has the bigger learning curve though. Be patient and I agree with the approach to only intervene when it crosses a line for the kids. You are their mother after all
Stop paying the tax and focus on more important things. Things you can control. The sooner you can do that, the more of a mother you can be. The more effective and the more of a positive impact you can make on them.
It's that last little bit of letting go that takes the most effort, but you're pretty much there.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
