Kimmerz, I hope your daughter has a blast on both days. She deserves as much fun as she can handle.
The holidays are always tough on the mlcer because they can't deal w/the guilt and shame that they feel and they know that they have hurt a lot of family and friends. Holidays are family events and they just can't deal w/it. Also, it brings up a lot of childhood memories that they aren't ready to face. Yes, they appear happy on the outside, but I can guarantee that when they are alone, they are miserable and sad human beings. They do things just before and during the holidays to remind us that they are still there and want us to be just as miserable as they are. They don't want to be forgotten by us. It's crazy, but they really are sad, sad individuals.
Have faith in your daughters because they are stronger than you think. They may be able to deal w/him on their level because he is their age right now. They may be able to get through to him in way that you, as the adult can't.
Take care of yourself and your girls. They need you to be the stable adult and someone that they can come to if they have questions about their father.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know Snodderly that's what I've felt for a very long time now. He seems to relate to my youngest the best, he's even more comfortable around her, and I think that emotionally they'e the same age.
He seems to be a bit stand offish from D13, because she's quite mature, more mature like an adult. She's also like her mother. She will tell it like it is when it's needed or her boundaries are stepped on.
The girls need to talk about their Dad alot. They're always frustrated. I listen, and encourage them to communicate with him. I tell them to use their words if he's upsetting them. I explain as simply as I can that he's just the way he is and we can't change it we just have to accept it.
It's emotionally taxing on me at times. But now I've just adopted this new attitude that I just don't care anymore about what he does, what he says, what he thinks, I mean it holds no water with me anymore. I do care how he treats his girls, but at the same time unless it's down right bad, Im even detatching from that drama.
I guess I finally just got so exhausted and worn down from it all I just don't care anymore.
Yes, Kimmerz, that's about how it goes. We try and try until we realize that it is not something we can do. Then we let go of all of it. We end up having to treat them like a stranger...because they are not somebody we "know" any longer. It's part of it.
So is the contact. As Snodderly so eloquently put it, they "act" happy on the outside. Seem to have it all together to those that do not know them. But inside they are a seething mass of crud. That's something I've noticed in my own situation as well.
The funny thing is, they leave. They blame the LBS and some of it may be true. Much of it is not. What's odd is that the LBS has to be the one to "leave" in the end. We often don't see that until completely exhausted aka we've exhausted all avenues of any kind of relationship and peace with the MLC'r.
The holidays are the worst. First for the LBS, but later for the MLC'r; maybe even earlier than that, but the LBS doesn't notice that for the MLC'r since they instigated the leaving and act "happy". I think to some degree they get a "hit" of happiness, kind of like a drug. It's like they are deficient of something and frantically searching for that "happiness" they feel they deserve. Don't get in the way right?
This week has been a bit odd. I've had more conversation with mine this week then I have in 5 years. But I was recently told that she will or has started to transfer the anger to somebody else (new husband would be likely, but I watch to be sure it's not the kids) and will continue to do that for a long time to come. I feel sorry for her in some ways. I am not without compassion. For the record, some MLC'rs will go to great lengths to not be alone with their thoughts so they can avoid. It's tiring to even watch; I can only imagine what it is like to live it
But like you, I hit that wall a long time ago. I don't control the outcome for her or the kids. I pay attention enough to be there for the kids, but otherwise, I let it go. But I first exhausted all other avenues in the way I knew how.
Your daughters need to be themselves. If they need to tell their father something, then there is no reason for them to hold back. He won't make it easy (like a teenager, he may retaliate) but they'll learn how to do it. Neither he nor your daughters will stay static in the relationship. He has the bigger learning curve though. Be patient and I agree with the approach to only intervene when it crosses a line for the kids. You are their mother after all
Stop paying the tax and focus on more important things. Things you can control. The sooner you can do that, the more of a mother you can be. The more effective and the more of a positive impact you can make on them.
It's that last little bit of letting go that takes the most effort, but you're pretty much there.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
thanks so much for that. What you had to say gives me more clarity in the feelings Im experiencing at this point and time with XH. I guess it kinda suprised me how quickly I was just "done" last week. In the past I've felt "done' before but what I really was feeling was frustration and anger. Though those emotions are completly called for, I now feel that when you're emotions still run, even though there has been some detatchment started, you truly aren't "done". At least I now know I wasn't. Hindsight is such a wonderful teacher for me.
But now, my "done" consists more of total acceptance of the insanity of this situation. Im no longer angry, frustrated, or sad, pining or missing what was when it was so much better years ago. I no longer desire to apologize to him or bring closure to this with him. I no longer wish to even try and keep a friendly connection for the kids sake, nor do I even wish to fight with him or try to make any point possible unless very necessary.
I am just done.
Yes that "hit" of happiness, is what XH toodles around looking for. He has for years now that I think about it.
In a way I think I have too, and I just realized it. Hence me feeling confused about dating and getting involved in a new relationship. I do believe I was starting to think if I found a new person that all my problems would just go away!
Well hello Kimmerz!!!! LOL....
Aside from issues of XH, MLC and all, I acknowledge Im not fullfilled in my personal life.
I don't know what my purpose is, but do think I feel my calling. Im just very confused and trying to sift through things in order to grab my purpose with both hands and run with it. Very had to do that when you have the responsibility of everything on your shoulders. Finding time to "find me" is hard!
Hi Kimmerz. I too have felt "done" many times only to find that, wait, there's more. What I noticed later is that I'm done being done. That happened at some point along the way, but I think it was about the time I unloaded the remainder of what I had to say. I knew it didn't matter to her what I had to say, but realized it was for me, important to letting go the remainder of the way.
What contributes to taking longer is the "interference" from my ex. Being aware of that helped a tremendously. The holidays are the hardest because she seems to have more to say during those times. But realizing that, I have been more able to distance and set boundaries.
Even now, (she is remarried) she still seems to try and come up with things against me. It changes over time as if she is trying really hard to still come up with a reason. I view this as her still dealing with her demons. I wish her well, but I keep those boundaries. I accepted a long time ago that this will go on for as long as I let it and then a little longer
One thing to be aware of when you do start dating would be that you'll have feelings come up that you'll need to deal with. Don't be afraid or hesitant to deal with them. Certain situations will trigger those feelings, but you have the tools and distance to deal with them now. Be confident in yourself.
Don't be desperate to follow those dreams. Be confident and steadfast. Set your sights and go after those dreams. It'll come. You'll be glad you did.
There's still more to learn and do and explore, Kimmerz. There's an awesome world out there, ready and waiting for you. Time is short but you have the tools and experience to really do great things. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise because you were made for greatness.
And always remember there will be more. No matter what comes at you though, you'll be able to deal with it with grace. That's a gift to your daughters that nobody else on the planet can give but you.
Responsibility? You have them, but they are not a huge burden if you change your perspective. They are an opportunity for you to shine.
You're awesome Kimmerz. You've come a long way and you'll go much further. Looking forward to hearing about it in the future...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well thought I'd post. Some serious things have been going on the past week. Though it's not good things, Im thankful for them. It reminds me just how insignificant XH's MLC is, and just a reminder of what's most important and what I prioritize in my life.
For starters, I had our 20 year old dog euthanized today. I'ts been a decision I've known was coming along all this last year. But I made the choice to let her live her life out as long as she happily and comfortably could. It was clear 2 weeks ago the end was near, but I had hoped she could go peacefully at home. Unfortuneatly it was clear she was pretty miserable so today the girls and I took her in. It was one hard good bye, but a relief too. I was there with her, and brought her home to bury in our yard.
We got news that the girls cousin has been hospitalized due to kidney failure and will be put on the transplant list and getting a new kidney sometime after the 1st of the year. Until now it's dialysis daily. This was a suprise because it wasn't suspected she had kidney disease. This was a huge blow to us and we're so worried.
We made ourselves buck up and go to a girl scout meeting that was family oriented with a dinner and projects. It was really fun to socialize with some of the mom's while the girls prepared dinner for us!
I see Xh through different glasses now.... or should I say no longer with rose colored glasses. He's pulled some things the past few weeks that are assinine. I've noticed a Huge CHANGE in myself lately. I take note to the things he says and does, and realize a year ago, and years before then if he did such a thing I'd be shaking in my boots out of fear and dread that he would with hold love and affection because I did something "wrong" and upset him. I would worry he wouldn't ever speak to me again.
Today......I just am awestruck of how this man truly is now. The things that he did the past year and still to this day that used to devastate me, now just are an irrittion! I forget about it and move on with better, more important, and more interesting things for the day!
The newest one. He's beem commenting to the girls ONLY that he's going to have to cancell the Netflix acct for months now. I just figured when he did, I'd start paying it myself, but until then he can still pay it. So of course after the Thanksgiving "rejection" he felt, he puposely didn' pay the account so it would be cancelled. D10 mentioned it to him this week. His response " WEll you have to pay for it yourself now".
Im just irritated because I guess I still do have a few expectations....that he actually be normal and polite. But see I expect this from everyone. I guess XH is special! He doesn't need to be considerate or polite! He's in MLC! If this was such and issue he couldve told me personally at any time " Im sorry but I will be cancelling the Netflix account." But he didn't say anything, we find it cancelled, though not suprised and then he tells D10 she needs to pay for it herself..... LOL.
It's 8.00 a month. I can pay it.
If his passive aggressive ways are to punish us, well so sad, too bad. He can "punish" all he wants to.
His actions may frustrate us at times, but really don't hold any water with us anymore.
What I wonder is if as time goes by, when he see's that his threats and behavior's make no impact on us, is if he'll lose all interest in his children and eventually drift out of their lives, or if he'll just become more irate and try to cause more problems.
Oh well, pull up the chair and watch the show I guess!
Kimmerz, I am so sorry to hear about your dog. She lives a good life and a long one w/your family. You did the right thing. In time, I'm sure, you'll get another pup for company.
I'm also sorry to hear about the cousin who is ill. Hopefully they can find a suitable transplant for her and soon.
You have finally taken off the rose colored glasses and see what your xh's behavior is like. Detachment has given you this new perspective on him. In his passive aggressive way, he's punishing your family because of the Thanksgiving rejection. He's not very bright these days and telling your daughter she would have to pay for Netflix. Well, he didn't count of his threat backfiring, i.e., no reaction out of you. One more thing he can't "lord" over you or your girls.
You've come a long way and now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After the holidays he may very well lose interest and settle down for a while. Holidays tend to be stressors for them and they tend to come out of the woodwork and do stupid stuff. I hope and pray he's done his damage by cancelling the Netflix and will crawl back into his hole for the rest of the holiday season.
Hang in there. We still have a chair for you on the curb so that you can sit w/the rest of us and watch the parade of mlcing spouses charge by.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today I got a text from XH telling me his days off. He hasn't done this in about a month, and of course we haven't had any contact in about 2 weeks since the "rejection".
After I got his text I got this odd prompt on my phone asking me if I would like to allow alerts to be sent to all other people that text me that I've read their messages.
I asked my friend about it, because she has an iphone as well and of course XH does too. My friend told me that XH had to be the one that sent that request out to me.
Does anyone know anything about these things? I've never had that prompt happen before, and i was dumbfounded XH even text me in the first place, given I figured I was going to be punished with silence for at least another 3 months as it is. I never did respond of allow that request.
Kimmerz, I wouldn't accept the request for allowing alerts to be sent to texters who have sent you messages that you have read their texts. This is very similiar to what you can do w/emails when you send messages because this allows you to know when they have openned their email messages from you.
I would agree w/your friend...your xh sent the request. Apparently your xh wants to know the minute you "open" your text messages and have read them from him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
