New Here - The Practicalities of Being A Friend

[Portia]

KML, thank you so much for your thoughts and for stopping by.

I have seen here, several times, where they guy who "didn't want kids" suddenly remembers "oh wait, I forgot to have kids" once they hit a certain age. Often this is really problematic for the LBS, especially if she had given up her own dreams of having children in order to be with her partner.

Really? I have actually not found any - always the other way around. The truth is, I have never wanted children. We discussed this eons ago and he knew where I stood. He said he did not want children either. I knew this was an important topic, having talked many family members and friends through the decision. Because many times I saw that women were willing to settle for a comfortable partner in order to have children. I am not saying this is right or wrong, just to say I know how important children are to some people and if he had said they were years ago, I would have let him go. Not without difficulty, but for many children are a dealbreaker.

I have read in different MLC sources that the MLCer becomes a mirror of what he once was. In my experience so far, I would say that this is true. Everything he once valued is no longer valued. But once was not, now is. So from no children to wanting children.

On the other hand, your SO may simply be caught up in an affair of opportunity (after all, you weren't there and she was - and let's face it, phone s*x just isn't the same as the real thing), in which case, it may be a GOOD thing if he moves in with her. Raising OTHER people's kids is not NEARLY as much fun as raising your own. And if her kids are over 5, odds are they might resent this new intruder and may make life difficult for him. Instant reality check.

My understanding of how the relationship started is that she was going through her own separation and he was the shoulder she leaned on. She is not yet divorced - two kids, 2 and 6 and an apparently "awful" H. He once said to me that since he wants a "white picket fence family" that she was a good candidate as "she already had that" and so would want it again. I kept myself from saying - and yes, she did a bang up job of it, too! So, I think it may be a combination of factors which drew him to her, including Knight in Shining Armour syndrome.

And yes, absolutely, the biggest advantage by far that she has over me is that she is physically present all of the time and not just some of the time. When I think of that, my stomach falls into my feet and I realize that maybe he just is happier living a full life in one place with a person who is physically there.

I often think of the reality check he would get if he moved in with her. I understand there may be a sick parent involved as well that the OW cares for. But I come back to how that would affect the progress that we were sort of making. At this moment (and I have learned never to pre-judge my actions through this! So true you never know how you are going to react in any situation.) I think that if he moves in with her, all contact with me must stop. I do not want to phone "thier" house and try to have a casual conversation. So, in a way, I would be dropping the rope.

I guess I feel that as long as he is not moving in with her, there is a larger chance (not much larger) that there is still hope for us. Although maybe a move like that would finally force me to put my hope on a shelf and keep it there.

I think you also have to ask yourself - IF he were to wake up and want to come back to you, what would the new parameters of the relationship be? Obviously long distance isn't working - would either of you be willing to make the career sacrifices necessary to move together?

That was the original plan. Then a family member who quite depends upon him became ill. We (I?) just did not feel any real urgency. We saw each other when we could and were in constant contact. I never wanted to pressure him to move when he was dealing with those troubles, so I didn't. I guess I should have started to notice when he stopped talking of it entirely. Right around meeting OW time.

I found out later (the first and last time I was able to snoop his e-mail) that all of the applications and information I was sending him were deleted unread.

So, yes is the answer. But it makes no difference now. He does not want to move and is now glad that I am so far away. Or at least that is what I think.

Also - a practical question about finances. Since you've been together for such a long time, I assume there may be joint assets (a home, investments of any type?).

Thanks, there are no financial issues to worry about. We kept much of that separate for all kinds of reasons.