Together Separate II

[mizjjd]

Funny how football (or other sports too I imagine) can be a constant for them. I'm going to speculate its because watching sports requires no interaction, no consideration of others, no pressure.

H left yesterday morning for the casinos and I haven't heard from him since - about 24 hours now.

I am becoming less and less willing to put up with this. And its been like this for so very long. The only difference is now I've had "the bomb". Pre-bomb, I didn't like the status quo of our marriage, the treatment I received, the behavior, BUT I thought that somewhere back of all the din that there was still love. That it was just poorly executed.

Now I think that rather, it was indeed "executed". There is so much damage in H's psyche that I don't think he is capable of sustaining a healthy, mutually loving relationship. There is not one relationship in his life that has not suffered very poor treatment. Not his parents, not his other Ws, not his gfs, not our children or his children, not his friends. He even tells me on a regular basis to put his dog to sleep.

He is narcissistic and emotionally distant. As I learned when looking at the "5 Languages of Love" site, his showing of love/affection is so low its practically non existent. And its been that way for a very long time.

So, coming to terms with all that, and adding "the bomb", what am I going to do about it?

Well, there's nothing I can do about it.

I must admit, must face the fact, that he is deeply damaged and is poor husband material. He is 54 years old. Our M is 20 years old, and 18 of those years have been substandard.

Can I really expect him to change? Can I expect our M to improve? Realistically, I don't think so. I think it would take a miracle. And I'm skeptical of miracles at the best of times - downright cynical of late.

So I don't expect him to change. I have to decide if continuing a substandard M is in my best interest. Of course, he may decide to leave at any minute despite whatever I might personally decide. But putting that very real possibility aside, I have to figure out if more of the same is acceptable to me.

Well. That should keep me busy for the day.