My Security Blanket

[bustingout]

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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2302054#Post2302054

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journal

Last thread was over 100 posts so decided to start a new one.

I mentioned about a month ago that H told me he was thinking of leaving the country (we live in Sudan) and moving to Dubai for work reasons. He wants us all to go, regardless of the sitch. He never mentioned anything about us, or R, or OW, what it would look like if we moved. And I never asked.

In principle I do not mind moving. Despite mine and H's R I do not want the kids to be separated from H too.

Since H's father passed away in Sep 2010, H left our house, moved in with OW, found his own place, asked to D about a dozen times, lied about OW, travelled with OW, broke up with OW, got back together with OW, and is now in PA with OW. This is not to mention the SPEW SPEW SPEW he has thrown on me, to me and about me. Also, he has barely been home since Sep 2010-and I mean in the same city as me and the kids. He has been traveling and jumping from place to place almost non-stop. In Jan of this year he left everything and moved to another city to start a new project.(OW was with him)

Now he wants to jump again. I feel like I am watching him run from one mirage to another. I haven't seen him stand still once and take stock of whats going on around him. Of the damage he is eating in his wake.

And I see him no happier than he was years ago. Except when he is with his kids (actually, when I hear him on the phone he is perfectly happy. And he seems to be having a ball with his friends, staying up late and partying on his MLC boat. It just me that gets the grump and the spew).

Side note-I left to Dubai on Wednesday after work. H moved in to the house to stay with the kids. When I left he was preparing food for the BBQ he had already planned with his guy friends over at the house that night. Its funny isn't it? He works so hard still to show how much of an obstacle I am in his life. If it weren't for busting, I could live at home. If it weren't for busting, I could have my friends around. If it weren't for busting, OW and I could be happy, sorry friends, you can't come over because busting lives there, but she is gone now so come over and play....

What I am trying to say is that, throughout this journey so far, I have come to the conclusion over and over again that I will to my best to understand H's crisis so that I can stop reacting and instead respond. So that I don't make emotional decisions.

Also, to be honest, the more I understand, the easier it is for me to become detached and to not deal with him in anger.

I also want to be able to encourage him to be an involved father.

My point is, he mentioned this move to Dubai again yesterday.

Something gnawed at me. What if he plans to move OW out there too? Isn't that a ridiculous fear? I don't know. He is capable of anything I think.

I think about the way he has spoken about me to some of his new friends and extended family members...they don't even acknowledge my existence.

I think about the lies. I think about the deceit. Maybe he thinks it would be a fresh start for him and her.

I don't want to go to Dubai to be his glorified nanny for our kids. So he can carry on with OW, and his bachelor lifestyle while I am ensuring our kids are near by.

I also don't want to live away from him in another country.

I can't pressure him to R or make a condition that if we move we have to R.

If he D's me, would I follow him to Dubai still? I don't want to be in a different country than him, but if we were to D, it seems more 'ok' to live in different countries. Although the point of staying in the same country is for the kids.

Yet, I certainly do not want to leave the comfort of my home and my newly found seeds of healing, just to be thrown into a new city, with no friends or family (H has friends in Dubai so he would be fine, and he has OW), no H and having to observe H living his life, while I have to start all over again.

The only reason I am still in Sudan is because of H (the only reason I came here in the first place). I have my family in Egypt.

I just don't know. It is still not final. But I also feel like I should maybe talk to H about this. I fear it will result in rejection of how I feel again, and backlash.

However, if he does decide that it is best work wise, and then I bring up my concerns, its not fair to him, because right now, from what I have told him, is that I don't mind in principle and that I don't want the family geographically separated.

If I bring it up now, before he does make a final decision, I could just be opening up a can of worms that from his perspective will be a reason to spew and bring up R talk. And I have no desire to bring up R talk now.

I did mention, softly and subtly that I wonder if its worth considering giving some time to his work here in Sudan and giving it more of a chance to succeed. I wanted to say to just sit still for awhile and stop jumping but i didn't. I know he os not receptive yet to that kind of talk. So my thought tis to keep it work related.

I am concerned. I am concerned about him. I hope I am wrong. Maybe I am way off base. But I do think this move is largely another attempt to run and find that elusive happiness. I want to encourage him to standstill not to hold him back but to try and gain perspective. But maybe I am wrong.

Maybe I am just scared that if this happens, he will be able to live openly with OW (its very difficult for him to do that here in Sudan), and I will have to watch him living his life with OW.

I welcome any opinions, thoughts, advice or 2x4s.

[bustingout]

One more thing. What I would like to say is this [i](but again, I don't know if this is the right time, or I wait until he decides for sure)[/i]:

H, I do not want the family geographically separated. However, I cannot make this move, if OW is still in the picture, regardless of our sitch.

I envision H would respond to this with something around the lines of:

Busting, I don't want to R with you. This is my life and I am with OW now. So it shouldn't matter if she is there or not because its none of your business

Then I would respond alone the lines of:

H, I understand that. However, it is still not something I can do. Its too painful for me, whatever the circumstances are between us. I do not choose to live like that. So perhaps we should not all move together.

Then I imagine him getting angry and saying I am using the kids, or pressuring him, or manipulating...etc. And I am NOT. But I know he won't see that.

[Cadet]

What about your job?

[labug]

Other than possibly reconcile,

what does Busting want to do?

[JuneReN]

Other than possibly reconcile,

what does Busting want to do?

The core question...and your decision will be a long one in coming, I hope, because it is huge.

If H does not want R then you are moving why? By your own admission H traveled all the time. He can travel to see kids, no different.

Have you thought about moving back to Egypt? (I have some friends from there )

I would make a pros and cons list right now and add whatever you think of as the weeks continue.

[Soul.Searching]

When I still really wanted to reconcile my H, He wanted me to think about moving to where he is, that was pretty much a condition if we wanted to try again. I was not prepared to pull my children out of school and away from most of their family and all of their friends and risk H turning around and doing this again. It has been devestating enough, let alone going through it all again and us being "All alone" .

Please really take time and think it all through. Think about what is best for you and your children.

[tori2012]

Busting, this is a huge decision, and I agree with what everyone else has said. My H also started talking about us moving to CA within a year for him to be happy. He just wanted to run away from OW, and I felt scared. What if things didn't work out (he said he could not commit to our M) and I was left alone 3,000 miles away from CT? So I waited and waited to decide and that's when he said he's the one who wanted out. I don't know if this helps, but at least you can see it's a common thing in men with MLC. They want to run away from their internal struggles.

At the end, it's your call, but I like the way you phrased your own response. Good idea to think about his reaction and be prepared with another response. You must be strong. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[bustingout]

Thank you everyone for your questions and comments. I appreciate it.

Cadet-My job...I do love what I do. But I came to Sudan for my H and to start family. I have good friends here, but no family. H was my family really. When FIL passed away two years ago and H moved out of our house, the lack of family around me really hit hard. My friends are wonderful...but they have their own families here.

So essentially, my job, is not a driving force keeping me here.

I also would not want to necessarily stay here with out H living here.

Labug-What do I want? I don't know anymore. If I were D completely, I wouldn't have any real reason to stay here or follow H anywhere, unless it really is to keep us together geographically. The thought of moving to Dubai in this same sitch as it stands right now...i know i do not want that. I can't do that.

Where would I go? Of course going back to Egypt is the most obvious option. My family is there. I do not want to live there (its a big, ugly city and I just don't want to live that lifestyle). As i think about it though, it seems like the logical and least traumatic option.

I could stay here for another year until I figure things out more.But that leaves H in Dubai with OW running free and I don't know. If H D's me, I have to decide what I want to do anyway. I just never thought we would be in separate countries.

I feel like I need to talk to H about this. But am quite weary of it leading into R talk.

To be honest I am a little confused on this one.

I suppose i need to say something along the lines of if OW still involved and we are just continuing this sitch as is except in Dubai, I won't do that.

If he says then I will D you, I will still say I won't do that. I am not going to be D'd and then go through the trauma of moving house, the kids, having no friends around me, just so H can come have dinner with the kids a few times a week.

Which leads to the obvious elephant in the room and the PRESSURE. i.e. then if we move to Dubai, it has to be as a family.

I am trying to open my mind up to see what is best for the kids and for me. All scenarios point back to Egypt, although for me personally, its really NOT what I want.

Do you think I should start talking to H about this?

[Cadet]

OK correct me if I am wrong here about what you just wrote.

Not reconcile, OW still involved - Not move to Dubai

Get divorced - Not move to Dubai

Reconcile - move to Dubai

Do you think I should start talking to H about this?

NOPE!

Nothing he says should be believed, so talking about it is a waste of head space.

Sometimes when you dont know what to do the best thing is to do NOTHING.
Because doing nothing really is doing something.
Then the answer will be come evidident as you go along.

[keep_going]

Busting,

This is such a tough decision and I am so sorry you are dealing with it. For me it helps to break down the options and as someone else suggested, maybe making a list of pros and cons helps. Although I think you have already verbalized parts of your answer.

So if you think of the circumstances in which you would move to Dubai, it seems like there would be three possible scenarios for you:

Scenario #1)
Move as a family, with your H while you both working towards Reconciliation and he dumps OW completely.

Unfortunately at this time, this option is not on the table for you. It might or might not become real in the future, so you'd need to think hard if you want to make a decision to move based on something that may or may not materialize.

Scenario #2)
You move to Dubai with the situation as is, in limbo re. D and with your H clearly in a R with OW. She might or might not also move to Dubai, but as of now, distance has not been an issue for that relationship to continue, so regardless of where she lives, your H would still be with her.

You have already expressed how you feel about this scenario:

The thought of moving to Dubai in this same sitch as it stands right now...i know i do not want that. I can't do that.

I suppose i need to say something along the lines of if OW still involved and we are just continuing this sitch as is except in Dubai, I won't do that.

Scenario #3)
Your H moves on with D proceedings and you move to Dubai as a divorced couple. You have also already expressed how you feel about this:

If he says then I will D you, I will still say I won't do that. I am not going to be D'd and then go through the trauma of moving house, the kids, having no friends around me, just so H can come have dinner with the kids a few times a week.

Other options for you are to remain in Sudan at least for the time being. Is there any reason to rush this decision? As it is, your H already practically lives abroad.

Finally, you have to consider Egypt. I come from Mexico City - large, chaotic, dirty, hectic, full of challenges and problems. Yet right now, I would die for the chance to move back there, where all my childhood friends and family live, where I have a real support system. I can always get used to chaos again. After all, I grew up and lived there for 21 years.

So much to consider - the kids, finances, lifestyle...
But I would recommend that you make this decision based on your reality right now. The reality that your H is not with you and doesn't indicate he wants to come back now. You cannot bank on moving there just to stay close to him in case there is a possible reconciliation.


YOu need to think of what is best for Busting and your kids only and leave your H out of the equation. As it is, his relationship with his kids now is already as if he lives in another country, even though he "lives" in Sudan...

Don't rush... No need to decide today. If you end up talking to H about it, just listen, have him explain how he visualizes this move. Listen and take it all in. Don't reply, don't commit. Take your time to assimilate all the info and decide on YOUR own time.

Keep brainstorming and posting often. We are here for you. Love you!
(((((((busting)))))))