Ctflor - I understand a bit of what you're going through. It's understandable but can feel awful. I get the triggers also. A few thoughts:
Switching ICs might help, or just explaining to them that it's time to try something different. I found they don't usually offer new strategies unless specifically asked.
About Celexa, it can help. But while it can give you "emotional distance" and take the edge off the anxiety it also can reduce your "energy" or drive to work on your life and relationship. Some people say it makes them "care less" about their SO. For little while maybe focus on how far you've come and how hard you're trying to make your M better. Just give it a little time. You might want to talk with your doc about changing or adding another type of medication. Personally, a lower dose of an SSRI but with a low dose of another type of medication was 100000% better. Not too overstate the effectiveness of these, but it's done more for me than all the IC and reading....and I did a lot of those. And I can keep working on things....
The other day I scared him. I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. And that living fear of the bottom dropping out makes me feeling like running. He could see what I was feeling, and he got on his knees and started to cry and beg me not to leave, and that he had made a bad mistake and was a fool, and that he can't lose me or our family.
Wow, the WAS becomes the LBS. It happens, but it always surprises me to see such a turn of events.
Originally Posted By: Ctflor
I feel damaged and broken inside. Not even a damn therapist seems to be helping me. Sometimes I feel I'm holding on to a thread that is very thin.
Then change therapists. If after a year you're still struggling with the same issues then your IC is worthless.
You are really blessed to have your spouse back. I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but there are a LOT of people here who would LOVE to be where you are. Not only is he back, but he's fully committed to you. You're afraid he might leave again, I totally understand. But why fear the unknown? You might as well fear that he may die in a car accident tomorrow, or contract a deadly disease. And if you leave him, then what? You hook up with someone else? Another person with their own set of problems that may dump you out of the blue one day? There are no guarantees in life. Make of it what you can. Enjoy what you have now and quit worrying about what tomorrow will bring. You'll likely never be the same as far as opening your heart up fully to him or anyone else, but that doesn't mean you can't still enjoy your marriage. You just need to choose to.
I feel blessed he didn't just walk away without trying to work things out first. And I feel blessed that he chose his family and me, but feeling "lucky" he didn't abandon me and our daughter does not take away the pain and mistrust I feel.
The one thing that came out in MC was that he had lied to me on multiple other occasions that I didn't know of, about porn, his whereabouts, and taking off work and pretending he went there, and went to hang out in the park and go hiking instead. I'm trying to understand, why did he feel a need to lie to me about things. If my husband had come to me and said he needed time off work to just go and do his thing, I would never say "No", I would support him.
He has been working on this issue and he has told me his lying problems stem from childhood, and that he has just always found it easier to lie to his parents, friends, boss, etc. and me.
Lying is a huge thing for me. I don't know how to trust someone who has problems with lying. I don't have trust issues, I have a problem with his lying.
CTflor, I think it is really time for your to go to retrouvaille. Your problem is forgiveness, and its eating away at your soul.
Also go into the website about emotional affairs - its headed by a couple named Linda and Doug. There is so much there about healing after one, and a lot about forgiveness and moving on. So does the "Heroes Spouse" website, although I do find that hard to read.
Being vindictive, seeking revenge - we all experience that. So do I. I still think about what happened and I get mad. Almost every day, but I always switch my thinking consciously to other topics and look at the bright side. Pain is part of living, and I would rather this is my cross than something else....and I see worse things happening to people know and love. I have a best friend whose hubby had an affair, physically battered her and abandoned her with no work, 2 kids, and bills to pay. She presently has been able to get a protection from abuse order and managed to get child support and is living on that plus food stamps. My sister in law lost her only son to brain cancer. Her marriage is in shambles too because she is a compulsive gambler and ended up with around 100K in debt, and my BIL is just recovering from all the devastation. My other BIL is bipolar, has an affair, and my sister discovered last year that he hadn't paid taxes, suppliers, etc and owed around 250,000. She is now rollercoastering, in and out of depression after they had to sell their house and still there is not enough to cover their debts. These are all people close to me and I feel for them so badly...it makes me think.... I look at my situation - H is home, my D is doing well, financially we are stable, my temporary job pays well and I do have a chance of staying longer....and even if we still have our bumps (I will update my sitch when I have time) I get down on my knees and thank God that he is slowly leading us on the right path.
I do wish I could get to talk to you....If you go to retrouvaille we might have a chnasce of meeting. I (and the H) am now volunteering for the SF retrouvaille at certain times of the month, usually the first two weeks. Its been a life changer, goiung to retro....not all at once, but slowly....
Take care and pray to be able to forgive....
Thank you Angel, can you link me to this site?
I know what you are saying. I see other people's situations that are far worse than mine, and although I feel happy mine is not as horrible, it's not helping me at all. After MC this last week, I've come to understand that trust is the stumbling block here. I can forgive him, but I can't forget, and if I can't forget, how do I move forward in this relationship?
Finding out recently about his lying problems from the past, it just crushes me.
He is desperate to hold on to me and our family and says he has changed and will never lie to me again. He has not lied in a year to me. But will his behavior come back again..... I don't know. Is that a risk I'm willing to take? I have to question it.
All I can say is this... I'm happy that he is discovering where some of his problems are coming from, in childhood, and that he's working on some deep things and it has brought about some big revelations for him, but will his changes stick.
I have been there for him, to support and listen, but when it comes to getting any closer than that, I find myself fearful that all of my effort I put in will only render big consequences later. I don't want to get burned again.
Ctflor - I understand a bit of what you're going through. It's understandable but can feel awful. I get the triggers also. A few thoughts:
Switching ICs might help, or just explaining to them that it's time to try something different. I found they don't usually offer new strategies unless specifically asked.
About Celexa, it can help. But while it can give you "emotional distance" and take the edge off the anxiety it also can reduce your "energy" or drive to work on your life and relationship. Some people say it makes them "care less" about their SO. For little while maybe focus on how far you've come and how hard you're trying to make your M better. Just give it a little time. You might want to talk with your doc about changing or adding another type of medication. Personally, a lower dose of an SSRI but with a low dose of another type of medication was 100000% better. Not too overstate the effectiveness of these, but it's done more for me than all the IC and reading....and I did a lot of those. And I can keep working on things....
best wishes - SL
I'm thinking of switching counselors after the new year. My neuro doesn't want me to have SSRI's because he says it could cause problems with my MS symptoms. I remember years ago taking Zoloft and feeling nothing. I went numb, could not cry, and became suicidal. So I don't think this would be good for me or my M at this time if I threw new meds into the mix. I don't want to numb myself, I want to deal with these feelings. If I don't deal with it now, it's just going to come back until I do. If that makes sense.
This is the website for the Heroes Spouse - it is actually a website for midlife crisis, so its a bit too heavy....personally I think its somehwta weird, but I did like how they explained what they call the "unconditionals".
The other website is about emotional affairs...just google emtional affair journey. There's a blog and a paid membership, I did not pay for it but the blog has some good stuff. One of the things I learned was that EA's are as destrcutive, or even more, than PA's sometimes.
As usual, I'd caution you to keep an open mind, but it does help to know that others are in as much pain as we are.
About the lying....of course he kept it from you, because remember how we are the problem to our spouses when it happened? But remember that the expectation for them to not do wrong is what will make them afraid to be completely open.
Last week my H called me to tell me that x-OW came to SF and called H. She was with her fiance (or husband, not sure!) and actually introduced my H to him, as she invited H to join them for lunch. Anyways, although interesting, what really made an impact on me was that this is the first time H volunteered information about exOW, because I realized that he finally realized too that I will not get angry about it.
It was such a relief to be able to talk about it without tension. I asked H what the fiance was like, etc. and we just chatted about it like they were just acquaintances we both knew.
I also finally got the sense that H is over it as he did not appear to be affected by the encounter.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
something I got from another piecer....some pearls of wisdom:
1) To forgive means to drop it and never bring it up again - ever! 2) Patience, our marriages will not fix themselves overnight. 3) Keep focusing on me, GAL, and being an individual - so that we dont focus on the troubeled M or the problems within it. 4) Make the neccessary changes that we as individuals need to make (no...blaming, accusing, put-downs, blowing up, yelling, crying, bringing up the past, or making sly remarks). Take responsibility for our parts in the break down instead of taking it out on your partner. 5) Keep your faith, hope, and pray for the restoration of our M's and for the salvation of our MLC spouses. 6) Look as good as you can, take pride in your appearance (it will help you feel good about yourself and it will help attract the MLCer to you again) 7) Let the Lords words and the Lords walk of life guide us on our journeys (stop being self righteous, and instead be kind and put yourself in thier shoes). 8) Stop the Jealousy (towards their new lifestyle, their new friends, new hobbies, and new attitudes). It is normal to feel jealous, but it is pathetic to show it. Instead - transform it into feul to fire you up about changing things you resent. 9) Think positively (especially about your spouse, the improvements they are making, and their desire to recommit to the M) also, in general - SMILE!!! 10) Still set goals and watch for baby steps. Then experiement and monitor the results - just like we were taught to do during thier time away. Now that they are back, you must keep this going in order to change the pre-existing troubled parts of your relationship. 11) Dont show insecurity, be confident and strong in our decisions. Our self esteem is pretty much shot after they leave us, and it is up to us to re-build it to overcome our weaknesess. 12) Speak in "I" statements, softly and calmly when you need to express hurts and pains. Dont bombard them with blame. 13) Watch out for certain situations that you know could send you into a fight, and prepare your self to avoid one by being the first to change. For example, I always let my emotions burst when it is that time of the month or when I have had a few too many drinks - so now I know that I need to be more cautious during these times not to let our progress slip away by being emotional. 14) Validate them, and listen well. You'd be amazed at how much you can learn by really listening. 15) Reward them when deserved. If they do things you like, show your appreciation in a way that they would like. 16) Give them thier needed time & space, as many MLC S's that return are still very confused and are adjusting to another change in their lifestyle. Leave them be if needed. 17) Do new and exciting things together, novelty is fun and will help you both grow. 18) Change the way you react to them when your angry. Most conflicts go in circles, be the first to change. Stop being defensive all the time, and take some blame and apologize when neccessary. 19) They will still test us during this time, they want to see if the changes they saw are just temporary or if they are permanent. So be aware, that sometimes they will still do or say things that seem very MLCish. Brush it off, and dont read into every word or action, and keep your changes going. 20) And most important, is to honor your spouse. Dont put them on the back burner -ever! Even if they seem to do it to you, it should not be your way of getting back at them. Make them feel how important you think they are. Love unconditionally.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Update: Feeling awful about myself. Just plain horrible. I did some major thinking and mulling everything over and one thing for sure is... I do not want to walk away. This all comes down to trust and my fear of him breaking it again.
I also know that I am still angry with him. Even a year later. Really, is that healthy? Normal? I don't think it is. I'm even angry with myself.
He told me the other day that he will not give up on me. When he said he would not give up, it triggered something in me to see that he is truly committed. But still, I cannot trust it. And this is where I feel like a failure, because it's been a year and I should be able to go forward.
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Angel, I think it's great your husband openly told you about ex-ow coming to town, etc. His honesty with you must feel good. It is when things are hidden that it's scary.
How do you feel inside? How long did it take you to be able to trust again after the bomb drop?
Thank you for linking me, and I'll definitely give the site a read through.
We're not supposed to link on these forums, but if you Google "Retrouvaille" you'll find it easily.
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After MC this last week, I've come to understand that trust is the stumbling block here. I can forgive him, but I can't forget, and if I can't forget, how do I move forward in this relationship?
DR touches on this a bit, you should never expect to forget. Forgiving is NOT forgetting. You can forgive and remember. The trick is remembering without being bitter/ angry (because if you are, then you haven't truly forgiven).
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He is desperate to hold on to me and our family and says he has changed and will never lie to me again. He has not lied in a year to me.
Wow! That's pretty impressive! I would just say that H getting close to losing you may be the trigger that finally turned him around. When BD happened to me I changed and changed profoundly. I am not the person I was before BD. I do things much differently now. My W is like you I think, she doesn't trust my changes. She thinks I'll revert back to old ways. But I won't because I'm not just acting, I really did change. So much so that I wouldn't even know how to go back to the old me, in a very real sense that person died and I was born in his place. It could very well be the same for your H. You may never trust him like before, but that doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful R with him.
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I don't want to get burned again.
Give it more time. You seem worried that it's been a year and you're still feeling the lack of trust, but a year isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things.
