Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

Yes, Regretful, I realised that your H did the exact same thing when I was reading through your sitch. It really is amazing how many similarities there are between our Hs. I find it really helpful because it helps make my H's actions seem less personal towards me. I'm also inspired to think that you are fighting the same challenges. To answer your question, when I found the books on D in H's cupboard eight years ago, I knew about OW but the D word hadn't been mentioned explicitly.

Thank you, Tori, for your feedback too. H and I met at a new restaurant yesterday which was fun. He went there straight from the train station. Re-entry is often better for us if it's not at home.

You're right to emphasise me listening. I messed up a bit with that just this morning. H was telling me about S13's school and complaining about how the governors (he is one) have no power and how the trustees are the only ones who know the budget and really have the power. Instead of just listening and validating I started saying that maybe it needed to be like that (and went on about it too..). Mistake number 1.

I then put my foot in it again this morning. H was in the bath and I thought he should have been further along in terms of taking S13 to his swimming lesson. He seemed to be cutting it very close. I asked him something about it. Mistake number 2.

On Monday, I went to see my consultant re meds and have started switching from Citalopram over to Escitalopram (Celexa to Lexapro in US). It looks as if my neutrophil count drops when I'm on Celexa so we're hoping that the Lexapro helps with that and also I still feel a bit anxious in the mornings on my current meds (even though they worked for years) so hoping that the second one might work a bit better. All this to say, that H asked me how the appointment went by text when he was away and I said that I wouldn't say anything but that he should give me feedback.

Since Monday, I've added a small dose of the second and remained on the former. Anyway, based on how I was with him in the convo about S13's school and my nagging him about swimming, H is guessing that I'm off the ADs altogether. He says he's worried. Obviously, my DBing hasn't been great this morning I haven't set him straight about fact that I'm switching not coming off. Maybe I should just tell him so that he doesn't start to look for the negatives. Then again, it's a good reminder for me to stay on track--a good barometer of how I'm doing.

I haven't told H because I wanted to know if there was a difference between how I seem on the two without him knowing what's happening. I was off ADs altogether last year because of the problem with neutropenia and I do think that that partly accounts for why H and I had such a hard time. My anxiety spills over into controlling him.

The first time I took ADs was when S13 regressed at two and a half. He had been developing typically but then regressed--late onset autism. The ADs did really help with that challenge and I do remember thinking that I felt more like the person I was meant to be on them and stayed on them until a couple of years ago.

A couple of years ago, I had a scare because my bone marrow functioning was suppressed and the specialist thought I had MDS. A bone marrow biopsy showed that wasn't the case so it was then thought to be the effect of the ADs. I went off for a while and lasted 7 months before I really felt I needed something again to cope. At the time, I was finding life with S13 very challenging. I tried a couple of different ones (Duloxetine=Cymbalta and Sertraline=Zoloft) that didn't really work for me. I didn't try Lexapro as it was thought to be too close to Celexa in molecular structure. Since nothing was working, I finally went back on Celexa and did feel much better. After a few months, I tried to do without it again because of the bone marrow worry and because I thought it would somehow be better if I could do without medication. I lasted off the meds nearly 9 months but struggled. I went back on the Celexa in June 2012, despite the neutrophil worry, because I was getting terrible panic attacks every morning as I woke up. The neutrophil count stayed fine until my last blood test this month. It's so hard to know whether the Celexa is the cause. Sorry about all the detail!

I'm hoping that my posting here will help me get back on the DBing wagon.

Belated Happy Thanksgiving to all Americans. The American School isn't far from where I live. Every time I saw kids in the street during school hours yesterday and the day before, I knew they were American and thought of all of you on this board.