A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

Hi, I hope I'm doing this right. I am glad I found this site, I have been reading the threads and have ordered Divorce Remedy, hopefully will arrive in next few days. I am very pleased to find a forum that believes trying to save my marriage as a worthy goal because that's what I believe too

All the information has been really helpful for my situation which is:
10 months ago, the day after Xmas 2011, my 49 y.o. Husband of 22 years gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. I was just stunned. I had no idea he was unhappy. Sure, in hindsight I acknowledge he was tired, grumpy, short tempered, withdrawn, losing weight, and lots of other clues that now make sense but at the time I put down to work, busy, stressful - just normal stuff. We have two daughters 17 & 10, and they were just stunned too. I read somewhere that "if you thought your marriage was good it was probably good, if your friends and family thought your marriage was good, it was probably good" but that's not the way he sees it. apparently he had been unhappy, "in a bad place" for months. But he never said anything to me.He was adamant that moving out was what he was going to do. And so he did.

I instinctively did some things right - according to what I read here and on other sites. I understood he needed 'space', tried not to beg / cling / cry, told him I accepted he felt the way he felt, I didn't want our marriage to be over but that I planned to be OK whatever happened. And I quickly decided that while I felt this was "not about me' I had to put in some work too. Our old relationship was dead, neither of us were going back to that so I am trying to make me the best me I can be, for me. I found a great counsellor who continues to help me envisage and move towards a new future.

I have used the last 10 months to start rebuilding a life, to think about what I want that life to look like, to read and learn about mid life crisis, to develop my friendships, nurture my relationships with each of my girls, to find & develop my inner strength,to think & learn about my own character & behaviour, and to consider the dynamics of my marriage and the issues that he raised. I am trying to 'detach', to 'get a life', to maintain a positive mental attitude. to be grateful. to listen. think about love & forgiveness. I do really feel in a good place much of the time and like the person I am becoming.

He and I see each other on averaage a few times a week - related to the children. Pickups / dropoffs / sport / school events and the such like. other that that, we mostly communicate by text, altho sometimes I respond by phoning, just to mix it up. I rarely initiate contact but respond pleasantly. Everything is superficially very pleasant - makes my head spin when he is still resolutely heading down the path to property settlement and divorce!!! Our eldest daughter just finished high school, he & I sat together at her graduation dinner chatting & laughing and getting along very easily, I still enjoy his company. But weird!! By evening's end I was sitting there thinking "tell me again what's so terrible about this that you had to move out???" I have read about 'boomerangs' and about 'touch & go' contact and that fits my situation pretty well.

I have no actual proof of OW but enough suspicions and clues to put the pieces together and draw my own conclusions. My children don't know. In fact, I think hardly anyone knows. Im guessing a covert affair has a particular appeal - who knows what would happen if they were exposed? Also they are boss & secretary so don't know the ramifications at work for them, perhaps that's also a reason for the secrecy?? I don't know whether to confront him about this affair or not?

The timelines for MLC are pretty scary - sooo long - and no guarantees of how things will turn out. I think things began for him after his grandparents died - within 3 months of each other. We had just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. He got a big promotion at work. This was all about 2 1/2 years ago.

He has the cliche unresolved childhood issues - he was adopted separately from his twin brother at age 2 and has never explored this. His adoptive mother is not warm & loving and his childhood stories paint her as emotionally very uninvolved. His adoptive faather sounds like a nice man - I never met him, he died when my husband was in his 20s. He was not there when his dad died and his mum made him feel terribly guilty about it. He seems to have received most love and acceptance from the grandparents who died a few years ago - so I can see that may have been a trigger for MLC.

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm dealing with MLC or not? I read the posts and resources - like the MLC stages and checklists - some sounds like him, some doesn't. He isn't nasty, isn't ignoring the kids or being awkward about money, was intially just cold & distant, now quite pleasant (although still resolute & adamant that this is the way it will be.) He seems happy enough, not like his old relaxed, fun self, but not suffering in anguish or anything? My daughters bring home mixed messages after visiting - I try not to spend too much time focussed on how he's doing.

Anyway...that's my story. I don't want to give up on my marriage and I still feel much love for him and believe the foundation for a great relationship still exists. I am "getting a life' and see positives in my new life and new me but am not ready to close the door on our relationship. I am 'pleasant but busy' in my interactions and just trying to be a pleasant part of his life as I wait for him to take his journey without any great expectations about how long that will take or what will happen. everyone's future is an unknown, i guess I am more scared about what I do know: things might take years and still not work out the way I would like them to, and in the meantime I am alone.