Welcome to catch-22

[Big Bruce]

All your posts are so eye opening. I don't regret visiting this site !

Well, my son was small when W and him moved to here. I missed his first steps, I missed his first word, because I was in other country for 7 months, all of this because I allowed my wife to go ahead and move before me, to help her catch the school year.
I was nice to her, and bam! this is the thank you I get.

And now, I keep missing his first sentence, his first questions, his baths, his food tantrums and his little laughter. I miss him totally, the good and the bad.
I don't want to get back at her, but tell me how is it fair that she has the nerve to ask for 100% custody?
I love my son the same, if not more than her!

So no, he's not a bargaining chip, but LITB is right, he is non negociable. I will ask tonight (my visit day) whether she would be open to discuss more cutody for me, but because she already filed to have 100% of it, the answer is going to be no. (Remember, we haven't sat yet to talk since I arrived 5 months ago! She refuses everything). Therefore I intend to proceed with the counter petition with the lawyer, and ask for my 50% custody, asap.

Not a move out of anger or anything, I will calmly explain that I love him, and that what's separation brings. Her choice after all.

[Big Bruce]

I agree you need to show the better you, but remember to not swing the pendulum too far.
You have opinions of your own. If some of them really matter you can make them known, but maybe at the "right time" in a calm and civil manner. Don't hold them in and then do something passive agressive, chances are she will see through it.

Thank you! I think that indeed I have been TOO nice, TOO kind, TOO gentle. And I've been taken advantage of.
Now, anything will be seens as : he was faking it.

But, I'd say wait until things calm down.
If you do it know when gloves are off, I'm guessing she will see it as you trying to force her hand.

Unfortunately, things haven't calmed down really in 5 months, I don't know when this will happen. Can't afford to have her take my son, and the money, and lose her in the meantime.

I asked my X "Would you be open to discuss me having more custody when he gets a bit older? Not 50%, not necesseraly 40%, but maybe somewhere in between. I miss him and want to be there for him. At least we could discuss it after you think about it"
She lost her d@mned mind! Cried, yelled, the works.

Was it a good or bad thing? Did she liked that you were interested in your son, or did she feared you taking him 40% of the time?

[theUF]

Unfortunately, things haven't calmed down really in 5 months, I don't know when this will happen. Can't afford to have her take my son, and the money, and lose her in the meantime.

Yeah, I see this can be problematic. It seemed things were extra bad right now, but from reading your other posts she just seems uncooperative in general.

I feel for you man. I really hope you get more time with your S.
I knew a girl who got pregnant and broke off with bf, then denied him any custody. He was a nice guy too. I felt so bad for the guy I actually never spoke to her again.

I don't know what advice to give, but I think you should definitely fight for your S in one way or another.

Was it a good or bad thing? Did she liked that you were interested in your son, or did she feared you taking him 40% of the time?

She lost it in a bad way.
She thought I was trying to take him from her to punish her. She said I didn't care to spend time with him before, why now. Jeez. We all lived together, I put him to bed, spent time with him, changed diapers, the works. I work long hours, but that's how we got money.
I couldn't believe she could say or believe those things.

When I (2 days later) calmly and genuinly explained her why I wanted time with S she calmed down and we were able to discuss.

In the first month she said she would always call me first if she was working and needed someone to care for S. And she did.
Now though she has been at work several times without asking or contacting me at all.

My going dim/dark, just made her go dim/dark back. lol.

[Big Bruce]

Yes, children seem to be a very sensitive spot for women in general.
W has always been over protective over our son, and my mere mentioning I wanted more time with him, and possibly have him overnight made her run to ther lawyer and file!

Unfortunately, she has been uncooperative until now and refused all dialog, but once the law will kick in, I hope that I can have my son every other week, AND (it is a by-product) it will force her to be cooperative.

At least she will have some respect for me, because so far, I've been treated like an old sock.
DB'ing only works with reasonnable people. Here we have a case of very fogged, blinded, unreasonnable, out-of-logic WAW.

[theUF]

I hear you man.

You're right, DB might not work now. But someday she might grow and some reason will shine trough. Then she will remember. Don't let her walk all over you, but be the bigger person.

Sometimes I feel men/women in your W's situation are like dictators on the verge of being overthrown. They have some conditional power and make the rules, but when those rules gets challenged, they get scared and bring in the cavalry to crush the opposition.

Again though, good luck and I really hope for you to see S more.

[LITB]

UF makes a great point. She sees you taking a stand for yourself, which causes her to break out the artillery to make you retreat. The choices you make at these major junctures will make a huge impact either way. Your W is watching, even if she isn't acknowledging it.

In general, people remember the negative things that happen. Don't give her any ammo. Consistent, positive change.

[labug]

Describe over protective.

What will make her respect you?

Why is she seeking D? I don't think you've every explained that.

Why did she want supervised visits?

I asked this in your first thread and if it was answered, I missed it and apologize. I went back now and looked but didn't want to read the whole thread.

I believe you should have access to your son and reasonable visitation.

Have you been primary caregiver for your son in the past?

DB is not about your W, it's about making you a better person, someone that would make a great partner. What are you doing to improve yourself? To become someone only a fool would leave.

[JuneReN]

Unfortunately, more often than not, most Walk Aways leave a wide path of destruction before realizing the pain they have caused.

I could replace Walk Away with LBS to describe me before the BD. I was operating in a fog, not paying attention to the important things in my life, being controlled by anger and resentment, thinking that it he would change everything would be better.

Sometimes it takes something big to wake us up, at least that was true for me.

That doesn't mean I take all the responsibility but I do accept that which is mine.

Were you really perfect, Bruce?

Amen bug. My W fought for years until she reached the point where she can't fight anymore. She has even said to me that you wait until I am done to change. Let's both just pray that we never go back to the fog no matter what happens.

Agree. Bug has a point. Grateful as well. Many of us were WAS, we just didn't actually move, we checked out emotionally, physically and or mentally. It must have been stressful for you to move here and find the changes in your relationship. Be the man she fell in love with. Bonne chance mon ami!

[Big Bruce]

Bonsoir,
W was giving too much attention to the new born and nothing to the husband. At first I thought it was normal, then, I knew something was wrong...
Now she is over protective. The kid can't stand on a chair without her running to get him in case he falls..

She is seeking D because, if I understand well, 1.I was not family minded enough. And 2. I spent unwisely all the money on fun things for me (mainly sports things).
These two things are easy to amend, which I did. But it seems her pride refuses to admit that it was a little silly, so almost just to make a point, she intends to pursue D until she has it, to not make a fool of herself.

As for the supervised visits, it all started because her dad first gave her a ride and was there when we first meet when I arrived. Then, the grandmother who keeps our son during the day came along for each visit, and she said it was better due to the emotionally difficulty of the situation. And so it was that they were only available twice a week, and they came up with this thing that it was the law, my visits had to be supervised. Which I never contested or argued, for the sake of reconciliation.

I just come back from the lawyer, and all of it is BS as I long knew it was. She petitions 100% custody, but it isn't likely to happen. So, to answer the question of respect, she will begin to see that I am not a yes-yes nice guy (in a bad sense), but I have the guts to say enough is enough, and ask for what is mine and which is my fair right.
Maybe also she will realize that D is ugly, it brings destruction and not happiness or fulfilment or freedom...

I will be extra careful in always taking the high road in my behaviour and feelings. After all I'm a Christian and my attitude should be perfect in my relation to my wife.

As a matter of fact, I know she is blinded for the moment. It could've had happened to me, and I would want my wife to be patient and fight to save our couple.
So, I will love her the best I can, be her friend and supporter, her listener and understander. I want to be the best father for our son, teach him my language, traditions, music and culinary art and the love for French literature.

That's really all I can do, my best friend, my wife, is the very one who can't help me.

[theUF]

She is seeking D because, if I understand well, 1.I was not family minded enough. And 2. I spent unwisely all the money on fun things for me (mainly sports things).
These two things are easy to amend, which I did. But it seems her pride refuses to admit that it was a little silly, so almost just to make a point, she intends to pursue D until she has it, to not make a fool of herself.

I got those two same reasons.
I started changing too, but it didn't matter. She had decided I was wrong no matter what I did, lol.

I actually partake in one of the same sports you do, and was in your home country for some fun in the air a couple of months back.

She grew more and more negative towards my hobbies. After a couple of very serious accidents(not me) I think it scared her even though she didn't come out and say it.